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I waited through Esme’s whole song. Through an old man who sang the Wombles song, much to everyone’s amusement, and through a younger couple butcheringEspecially For Youby Kylie Minogue and Jason Donovan.
It was not long after that that it started to go downhill, and I understood.
I got it.
The little cutesy songs and bad singers turned into elderly, drunk people who were one gin past being able to rap Eminem—not that it stopped them trying. It was an old man that Max informed me was called Gerard singing with his speedo-wearing duck tucked under his arm. It was three young guys who were barely able to stand straight wearing bright blonde wings and pink lipstick singingBarbie Girlby Aqua.
This went on for what felt like forever—various people singing hellishly bad songs, and it took me far too long to realise that the reason they were all dressed up appropriately was because Penny had a big bloody box of dressing up stuff under the bar.
When Bernadette came out wearing a cowboy hat and tried to sit on her pig to singYou’ve Got A Friend in MefromToy Story, that was when I knew.
This was just a giant piss up for oldies to relive their younger years.
When the book club came out wearing bikini tops and grass skirts, I was done.
I turned to Max. “This is the weirdest thing I’ve ever experienced.”
He laughed, leaning down. “I told you it was crazy.”
“Yeah, but I thought you meant, like… wild party crazy. Not pensioners in bikinis and grass skirts,” I replied.
“Look at that,” Kevin slurred, resting his arm over my shoulder. He lost his balance as he did so, knocking me into Max, who was just about able to steady us both. “Esme can mooooove!”
I shared a look with Max. “It might be wise if I take him back. In my experience, he’s thirty minutes away from either passing out or vomiting.”
“Wooo, Esme!” Kevin waved his arm in the air.
Max glanced at him. “I think that might be a good idea. Have you seen Fred?”
I shook my head.
“All right. Why don’t you take Kev—”
“Wooooo!” My brother leant against me, pushing me.
“Ooft,” I grumbled, staggering to the side.
“Why don’tItake Kev back to the car and you see if you can find Fred?” Max did a slick move between us and took Kevin’s very happy, very drunk weight from me.
“Okay, I can do that,” I nodded and turned away, going on my hunt for Fred.
It didn’t take me long to find him. He was at the bar chatting to a pretty young woman with blonde hair, and I grimaced when I stepped up and had to interrupt their obviously very close conversation.
“I’m so sorry to butt in,” I said to her. “Fred, we’re taking my brother home. Are you staying?”
Fred glanced at the woman opposite him with a small smile. “Yes. I’ll make my own way back.”
I fought back a knowing smile. “All right, then. Sorry to have bothered you.”
He grinned at me, and I left him to make the most of the rest of his night with whoever his new friend was.
I made my way out of the pub to the car park. Kevin was sitting in the back seat on his phone, and I jumped in the front, then reached back and took it from him.
“Nope. You are not drunk texting Aaron.” I secured his phone in my bag and turned around.
“Hey!” my brother protested. “I wasn’t drank trexting anyones!”
Max started the engine and glanced at me. “Did you find Fred?”
