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Crashing sounds of heavy thunder roll and boom above me, shaking the windows, letting me know a storm’s overhead. With every deafening bang, I jolt a little more, my body and head suffering from all the sobbing.
I’ve been holed up in this room for the past week, lying in bed with no motivation to do anything other than cry. But with that persistent thunder above me, I realize there’s no point staying in bed. So, I sit slowly and slide my feet to the plush carpeted floor. My legs heavy as I drag them, my mind numb.
When I reach my bedroom door, I roll my eyes at the sound of Sarah and Chris giggling in the other room. If I didn’t need to go to the bathroom, I wouldn’t leave the sanctity and safety of the bedroom. I don’t want to deal with them or anyone else. The pain of being without Aiden is almost too much to bear. As I open my door, it squeaks, alerting them to my presence. Silence falls on both Sarah and Chris, making me painfully aware that I am a burden on them.
Not bothering to look in their direction, I stumble to the bathroom. The stark difference of the cold tiles on my feet makes me feel something—at least I know I’m not dead. I take a moment to splash cold water on my face to help soothe my swollen red eyes. The face looking back at me in the mirror is still slightly bruised from the beating Jason gave me. My eyes are vacant and dull, and my hair is a tangled, oily mess.
I look terrible.
But I don’t care.
I don’t care about anything.
I haven’t spoken to Aiden since I gave him his engagement ring back, leaving him on his knees at the apartment. After the tenth call from him, I turned my phone off.
It’s all I can do to not think about him. I’m already fucked up and thoughts of him just make me feel worse.
I miss him.
I do.
If I saw him, it would be too much.
My head is doing me in.
I’m not strong enough.
The thought of having to feel anything at the moment scares me to death. So, here I am, hiding in the bathroom at Sarah’s. It’s too much sometimes to see and hear her with Chris, but at least I don’t have to face Aiden or the apartment that holds my haunted memories.
Drying my face, I walk to the dining room where Sarah and Chris are eating lunch. They glance at me, then quickly turn away. I don’t think they know what to say. I don’t blame them, though.
Pouring myself a glass of water, I then shuffle to the living room and wrap myself in the brown fleece blanket that is draped over the suede loveseat. I sink into the soft cushions, and sip on my glass of water, staring blankly out the window.
It’s dark and dreary—the only light is from the occasional flash of lightning. Ominous black clouds roll above as a chilling wind howls through the rain that’s pouring heavily on the ground—it’s perfectly fitting for how I’m feeling.
Sarah’s sudden hand on my leg combined with a crack of thunder, startles me, pulling me out of my thoughts. Turning my attention to her, I see the concern in her eyes, but she doesn’t say anything. That’s one of the many things I love about her. She can simply be here for me, no words needed.
“I didn’t think being without Aiden would hurt this much,” I mumble under my breath as another roar of thunder cracks above the house.
She wraps her arm around me. “Jeni, sweetie, if being without him hurts this much, then maybe, if you search deep down, you know this isn’t right.”
“I know what you’re saying is true, but I can’t be with him. I can’t. I just…” My eyes flood with tears again, and my bottom lip trembles.
“Okay. Jeni, it’s all right.” She strokes my hair.
“I’m sorry,” I murmur.
“What for?”
“For being like this. I can’t seem to shake this overwhelming feeling of dread.”
She looks at me sympathetically. “Sweetie,
take as much time as you need. You know Chris and I are here to support you, no matter what. We love you.” Sarah holds me while I continue to cry on her shoulder.
Sarah’s been such a great friend to me over the past week, staying with me the nights I cry myself to sleep, bringing me food, even though I hardly eat, not to mention all the times she has spent just lying next to me on the bed for comfort. Poor Chris is probably sick of me occupying her time, taking her away from him. I absolutely hate myself for everything right now.
Suddenly, the landline rings, which is rare, making Sarah and I jump as we look over at the phone.
Chris stands, walks over, and hoists it to his ear. “Hello…
“Hey, dude, how are you?” His voice is tense.
“Yeah, guessed as much.” Chris runs his hand through his hair.
“She… um… she’s not good.” He looks down at me, assessing my mood, and I know immediately it’s Aiden. My heart skips a beat.
“I don’t think that’s a good idea. Not yet, anyway…” He pauses for a moment. “I know, man, she’s miserable, too.” Still looking at me, his brows crease, and a frown appears on his face. I swallow hard, knowing they’re talking about me. I want to hear Aiden’s voice, but at the same time, I wish the ground would open up and swallow me whole—take me away from this misery I am feeling.
“To be honest, I don’t know. She’s pretty wrecked.” Chris tries to keep his voice low, but I hear everything as he turns his back to me while talking quietly. “Yeah, I will. Take care of yourself. You have my phone number if you need to talk. Anytime, man.”
“Yeah, I’ll tell her.” He exhales. “All right, see ya.” He hangs the phone up on the wall.
Sarah gazes at Chris while I sigh, staring into space, feeling nothing but numb. For some reason, I feel guilty knowing Aiden was right there within reach, yet I didn’t attempt to talk to him.
I’m conflicted.
Am I stupid?
I miss him so much, yet I can’t bring myself to talk to him.
I know if I do, I’ll want to fall straight back into his arms, knowing I can’t.
I’m too much of a mess.
My head doesn’t feel right.
“Jeni,” Chris says cautiously, making me look over at him. “That was Aiden. He said…” Chris chooses his words carefully, “… he said to tell you that he loves and misses you.”
I stare blankly.
Sarah pulls my face with her hands, so I look directly at her. I flinch because it hurts my fractured eye socket. “Jeni, this is ridiculous! You love him. He loves you. What’s the damn issue?”
“Sarah!” Chris yells.
