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As wrong as I was.
“The T smells when it rains. Did you know that?” Lily is stripping from her internship clothes into a giant T-shirt, and I envy her for not feeling she has to hide as she does.
“No, does it?” I set my bag on the chair by my desk and pull my boots from my feet. The bottoms are damp from tromping across the wet walkways, but I hug them anyhow.
“It does. I think it’s because everyone is wearing so many layers, and then those layers are wet, and we’re all packed in this metal box on rails. I still feel like I smell like it. I know this is weird but smell my hair.” She marches over to me and holds a lock of her damp hair toward me. I hesitate but sniff for her because Lily is sweet, and she saved me.
“It smells like rain, maybe.” My shoulders lift with my half-hearted response.
“Are you all right?” she asks, dropping her hair and taking my boots from my chest. I was starting to cradle them.
“I’m okay,” I lie. While Lily sets my boots on the floor at the foot of my bed, I step into the closet and shut the door enough to hide me from her view. I slide my leggings off then run my hand over the length of my leg. My knee hurts. The doctors told me the winter would be hard. Metal screws and winter.
I tug my tunic over my head and lay it on top of my laundry basket then spin so I’m facing the back of the closet door. My hand flattens against the wood. What if I open the door more, walk across the room like my roommates do, in their undergarments? Last year I would have without a second thought. With my eyes closed, I push the door slowly, feeling the light seep in through my eyelids. A rapid knock on our door has me shutting myself in completely.
“Sorry, I meant to tell you Theo is coming over,” Lily says on the other side of the door.
“It’s fine.” Another lie.
Lily and Theo are perfect together. Truly. But they are also newly in love, and even if they are in here together to study, they’re also . . .not.This room could be crowded yet somehow those two would feel completely alone. Intimate, really.
I hurry into my sweatpants and my Bruins jersey, shoving my feet into my gym shoes before bursting out of the closet to be greeted by Theo.
“Hey, look who’s here!” He feigns surprise, which is mildly amusing. I like Theo. I like him even more now that he’s worked through some of his issues.
He nestles into the corner of Lily’s bed, tossing his backpack to the floor, and I get the distinct impression that very little studying is on the agenda. Good thing I have an econ project to prepare for as a distraction. Of course, I’m not staying in this room to study. And I don’t think Lily and Theo want that either.
“I’ll be out of here in a minute. I just need to get my stuff together. I shovel books into my backpack, and when my roommate and her boyfriend aren’t looking, I stuff in Cameron’s sweatshirt too. If I’m going to hole up in the study lounge for three hours I may as well feel warm in a way only Cameron’s things can make me feel.
“You don’t have to go,” Lily says half-heartedly. Theo nuzzles at her neck, whispering something that makes her giggle.
“Oh, I’m pretty sure I do,” I tease—not tease.“It’s fine. I have a lot of studying to do.”
I adjust my backpack over my shoulder and do one final check of my desk to make sure I have everything.
“Hey, you know what?” Theo moves toward me, reaching into his pocket. He pulls out a key on a small ring with a leather pad then reaches for my hand.
“I’m not going to your place,” I announce. My insistence makes both of them flinch a tick, but thankfully they don’t pry.
“Good thing this is the library key, then.” Theo arches a brow and takes my hand in his, opening it and pushing the key in my palm.
“So, this is the key to . . .”
“The lair. Yes, that’s the key to the fucking lair. You guys are never going to let that go, are you?” He steps back until his legs hit Lily’s bed and he flops down next to where she’s sitting while she and I laugh at his expense.
Cameron labeled the lower-level archive space that Theo discovered the Lair mostly to fuck with his friend. We’ve been meeting in there for underground parties for the past two months, but James and Theo are the only ones with keys. That makes this gesture rather special, in a super high-brow snobby way.
“Thanks,” I say, squeezing the key, grateful to have a quiet place to hide for a while. Maybe I’ll finally be able to think. I need to study, but I’ll never be able to crack open my books and pay attention if I don’t come to terms with my feelings for Cameron and what battles I’m willing to take on to embrace them.
I leave Lily and Theo behind, a little envious of the place they are at right now. The ease of it. I crave the kind of comfort they have. I feel that way when I’m with Cameron.Easy.Even through the noise that comes with being a Bennett, the world stops moving so fast when he and I are together. He’s been grounding me for years now that I look back on it. All the way back to the damn fake pistachio ice cream.
The main lawn is empty as I trek along the pathway toward the library, a light mist lingering after the rains. The hail has turned to ice in many places, so I’m cautious where I step. The light is out near the indiscreet side door Theo discovered, so I have to feel for the lock under the dry vines and brush. Theo is adamant about recovering the door anytime we leave this place because he doesn’t want to draw attention to the door. I’m pretty sure everyone important at Welles knows this door is here. They just never assumed young adults would find a rarely used storage area and archive room appealing. Turns out, this place is the perfect spot to hijack bottles of alumni whiskey and be young and free.
And somehow, without a key, Cameron Hass has managed to get inside. I lean back against the door I just stepped through, pushing it closed so I can stare at him from across the room. I’m somehow not surprised to see him here, and I wonder if that’s because I wished for it.
“Of course, he gave you a key,” Cameron says.
He holds up a tumbler half-filled with amber liquid as a toast to me. The Jameson bottle sits open on the desk he’s sitting on top of. His suspenders hang loose at his sides and his white shirt is unbuttoned despite the black tie still dangling from his neck. He holds the glass to his lips and winks once before tilting his head back and swallowing half of its contents.
