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“Yes. Fucking yes! She is fucking different. She is ingrained into me now, and I can stop fucking thinking about her. But I did as you said, Nico. I fucked her and left, so it’s over. It’s done. I fucked it up before it even started.” My voice gets louder with each statement, taxing frustration clawing at me every time I think about what I did.
Sebastian sits still and watches me as he waits for me to calm down.
“You are not your past, Carter. History doesn’t define you. What you do in the present or future is fully in your control,” he says simply, before leaning forward onto the table.
“You can be with someone like her if you want it. Look at Goldie. She is fucking way out of my league, yet she is here with me. You have a lot to give. Your family life hasn’t taught you that, but don’t miss out on what might be made for you, because I have never seen you act like a bear with a fucking sore head before these last few weeks. Do whatever it is you need to do to get yourself right.” Sebastian nods at me, making sure I understand what he is saying. And I do.
I think about what Sebastian says for a beat. As much as I loved my mother, seeing her bounce from man to man only taught me to never rely on anyone for love. Not matter where my mother went or who she found, she never found what she yearned for, and I realize that I have been doing the same thing. I meet women, many of them, but I get into their bed and then leave, not interested, or too afraid of feeling more. Maybe it is time I stayed. Break the historic routine that has been so drilled into my brain.
Sebastian rubs his jaw and continues to watch me. “Sort it out. Now. You have a fight in a few weeks, and then we’ve got to figure out this fucking situation here in New York. They are going to announce who is running for senator soon, and I will need you here to help me fix that situation. If you make it work, then after things have settled again, you can go back to Philly and live happy fucking families.”
Happy Families? That has never been a term ever associated with me, and after Benji’s phone call earlier, it seems like Cat may have already moved on. I hope I am not too late.
“Her dad’s an asshole,” Dante says, and I nod. She has mentioned that to me before. I think she compared him to the devil… so that stood out.
“What do you know?” I ask, wanting the details.
“I looked into her after she treated Annie. Had to cover all bases.” I nod, knowing that is what we do. Investigate people.
“He is retired now, but he was the county’s leading heart surgeon. Fucking loaded and a scheming bastard.”
I sigh and rub my face with my hands. She and I really did grow up in two totally different worlds.
“Enough about me. What’s happening?” I need to get this back on track before I start spiraling again.
“Henderson gave us nothing, so now we are waiting to see who will be nominated for senator against Roy. We have a few people on the radar, but no firm nominees as of yet,” Dante says, leaning back in his chair.
“So what? We just wait until something is announced?” I ask, looking at Sebastian.
“For the time being. We can’t go messing up people who are not even in the job yet, although we did a good job of that with fucking Henderson. Besides, whoever they do nominate, we may be able to turn them into our way of thinking. So, it is a waiting game at the moment,” Sebastian says as he grinds his teeth. He doesn’t like to wait so I can tell this is killing him.
“We will do the investigating here. You go to Philly and see if you can make things right. I will call you when I need you.” I look to Dante and Nico, who are both nodding in support.
I nod slowly in return, feeling overwhelmed and desperate to get back there as soon as possible. Sebastian’s support means everything to me.
I have no idea if I can fix what I have broken, but for the first time in my life, I want to try.
22
Catherine
In the car, Ivy and I are singing at the top of our lungs as I try not to think about Carter. It has been weeks since our tryst in the gym and even though Maggie and I bit the bullet and continued with our self-defense classes, he hasn’t been there, staying away in New York until the fight, as Benji tells me. Probably for the best, but I can’t help feeling hurt that I meant nothing to him at all. Although I’m not sure what I would say or do if I saw him.
As we drive in the morning sunshine, I am becoming increasingly excited. Today is soccer day, and even though it has only been a few weeks, Ivy has picked it up well and is loving it. We are driving to Maggie’s to pick her and Abby up for the game.
“Mom, I think the coach may put me into striker this morning,” Ivy says enthusiastically, eager to score a goal today.
“Wherever he puts you, I know you will be great! That last game, you did such a great job!”
I’m about to tell her to enjoy the game, no matter where she’s placed, but the words get stuck in my throat as I turn into Maggie’s driveway to see my father’s shiny black Bentley parked out front.
“What is Grandpa doing here?” Ivy whispers, knowing that visits from Grandpa normally come with commands, not cuddles.
“I don’t know…” I say to her as I turn off the engine and try to drum up the courage I need to face my father.
“Mom, we can’t be late for the game,” Ivy whines from next to me, and I feel sad. Sad that her grandfather is here, who she never sees, and she is more excited for soccer than to see him.
“I know, honey. Let’s just go inside and see what is happening, okay?” She nods through her visible unease, and I unclip my seatbelt with a deep breath. As we both get out of the car, she grabs my hand and we make our way inside.
