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The more Devlyn and I join everyone on Sundays, the more he steps out of his shell. The more he smiles and laughs and comes alive. Opens up a little more. This family… we balance in ways genetic families don’t. We provide love and advice and comfort. We avoid judgment and hurt.
I love how easily Devlyn fits in our circle. How everyone accepted him without hesitation. He needed us as much as we needed him. And damn am I lucky that I get to call him mine.
Zoning out, I stare at the fire. Think back to this morning and the vicious pounding in my chest. Take a deep breath and blink away the fog. “Can I ask you guys something?” I ask Cora and Autumn.
“Always,” Cora says as Autumn answers, “Of course.”
“It’s a pregnancy question.” I toy with the bottom hem of my shirt. “I haven’t said anything to Devlyn because I don’t want him to freak out. Especially if it’s a normal thing.”
When I don’t continue, Cora lays her hand over mine in my lap. “Shell, what is it?”
“A couple times now, I’ve had this heavy feeling in my chest.” I press my palm to my heart. “Like a strange heartbeat. It doesn’thurt, per se, but it makes me breathless.” I look to Cora then Autumn. “Did either of you have that?”
The twist in my belly sinks deep when both of them shake their head.
Not good.
“No two pregnancies are the same,” Autumn says. “Clementine was a wild child in the womb and Ryker just chilled for the most part. But I never had chest pains.” She winces. “Probably a good idea to talk with your doctor.”
“I’ll second that,” Cora adds. “Clara was a little gymnast during the last trimester, and I had the occasional bout of heartburn, but nothing like what you’re describing.”
Great.This is what I feared. This is why I also haven’t said anything to Devlyn yet.
As it is, he doesn’t want me to do anything besides relax. Which, in theory, is nice, but spending every day on the couch with my feet up isn’t realistic. I have a business to run, and eventually take over. There is so much to prepare for with the baby. Classes to attend. New mother skills to learn. Labor breathing and learning how to breastfeed.
The pounding in my chest kicks in and I press the heel of my palm to my sternum as I inhale deeply.
Cora leans closer and whispers in my ear, “Is it happening now?” I nod. “What were you just thinking about? Right before it happened.”
I close my eyes and pinch them tightly. Breathe through the pain in my chest. “Everything that’s to come. With the pregnancy, motherhood.” My eyes open and I glance up at my best friend. “The shop. How this baby changes everything I thought I knew. How it disrupts so many lives, not just mine.”
Cora wraps an arm around my shoulders and pulls me into her side. Autumn scoots closer and leans her weight into my other side. On a sigh, I absorb their comfort. Let it fill the cracks of doubt. Let it ease my worry about the future and motherhood and new responsibilities.
“First of all, I felt everything you’re feeling,” Cora admits. “Gavin and I hadn’t been back together long before we got pregnant.” She shifts to look me square in the eye, her gaze never more serious. “I was scared, Shell. Scared we weren’t ready. Scared I’d lose him again. Scared we wouldn’t beuswith a baby.” The corners of her mouth tip up in a small, soft smile. “But my fear was for nothing. Just past pain haunting my present.”
“How did you let go of the fear?”
She tips her head to the side. “It never fades. Not fully. But it lessens with each passing day. With each assurance that I’m not in this parenting gig alone.” She looks across the patio. Her eyes land on Gavin, baby Clara cradled in his arms while he chats with a few of the guys. Jonas is there too, Ryker bundled in a blanket and snug against his chest. They talk and joke and laugh, all while doing the dad thing. “You aren’t doing this alone, Shell.”
“Not for a second,” Autumn adds. “After everything with Clementine’s father, I worried about Jonas’s reaction to the pregnancy.” She lays a hand on mine. “But then I reminded myself that Jonas is a different man. He walked through hell alongside me as I fought for Clementine, for our livelihood.”
“Jonas has a heart of gold,” I tell her.
Her eyes find his across the patio and his entire frame lights up. “That he does.” Then she shifts in her seat to face me more. “What about Devlyn? How’s his heart?”
God, what a loaded question. Not one I can answer simply. Not one I can answer fully without sharing secrets he isn’t ready for the world to know.
“When it comes to me, to us, he has the biggest heart.”
Cora’s brows scrunch together. “Why do I feel like there’s more to the story?”
Because there is. Because Devlyn has demons to face, to conquer, to let go. “There is more.” I look to Cora, then to Autumn, before my eyes land on Devlyn, a brilliant, genuine smile on his lips. “But his story isn’t mine to tell. All I will say is he came from a past none of us can comprehend. Not fully. But he’s working on it. For me, for us, for the baby.”
Cora rubs small circles on my shoulder. “It’s silly, but I have to ask.”
“What?”
“You’re safe, right?” If I thought she looked serious minutes ago, I was dead wrong. My best friend has never been more somber than she is now. “Please tell me you are.”
