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“That ain’t the answer, Skid, I don’t know what is,” I level with him, “But it ain’t that.”
“I just wanna be with her again.” Skid scrunches up his fists. “I wanna walk into my cabin and have her waiting there for me with that smile that owned my fucking heart. I wanna argue with her over what shit we watch on TV.”
I move so I’m sitting beside him, my back resting against the wall nowtoo, and I look up at the ceiling and can’t help but think about all the things I miss about Hayley.
“I wanna know what our kid would have looked like. If it had been a boy or a girl? I torture myself with that shit over and over,” he admits, using his arm to wipe away his tears.
“You all think I’m hell bent on fucking up my brother. That getting him back here so I can tear him apart is gonna heal me, but it ain’t. She’s the only one who’s gonna put the heart back in my chest.”
We sit together in silence. Tommy so still I wonder if he’s still breathing. I got nothing useful to say to Skid, and I hope that me sitting here beside him is enough to let him know that I feel his pain.
“I gotta get away from this club, Jessie,” he tells me eventually, like he’s been thinking on this for a while. His face is blank as he stares forward. “Everything here reminds me of her. I feel like I can’t fucking breathe.”
“Fine, we’ll move you out the cabin, Tac’s got some room above the studio,” I suggest, I know Skid avoids going home at night; he's always the last one to leave the club. I get that. I see Carly laying out lifeless on the floor the way I found her every time I walk through his door.
“It ain’t just the cabin, Jess. She’s fucking everywhere. Who stitched that patch on your cut for you?” He looks over to where my cut’s hanging on the back of the chair.
“Carly,” I smile to myself when I think about her.
“I go to the garage and I see her sitting behind my desk, nagging at me for not keeping the books better for Thorne. I step in the clubhouseand see every fucking memory we ever made there play out in my fucking head. His finger slams hard into his temple and his body tenses. Hell, I can’t even look at squeal without seeing that star shaped scar she put in his cheek.
I snort a laugh when I remember the time we wereall fixing up the bar room a few years ago. Carly was taking down a board from the wall and Squealer did the one chivalrous thing he’s ever done in his life. He tried catching her when she slipped off the stool she was standing on, and she thanked him for it by accidently stabbing him in the face with the screwdriver she was holding.
“She felt real bad about that,” Skid smiles sadly and looks up at the ceiling.
“You can’t leave, Skid,” I tell him seriously. “This club needs you.”
“I ain’t me no more, VP. I don’t know who I am. I used to wake up and feel like I was the luckiest man in the whole fucking world, now I don’t feel anything but hate.”
“I gotta find out who I’m gonna be without her,” he adds
And as much as his words ain’t what I want to hear, I totally get them.
“What do you need?” I ask him.
“I need you to not tell the others until I’m gone. They’ll try and stop me and I can’t deal with that shit, Jessie, I’ve made up my mind.
“What about Prez?”
Skid reaches into his jacket and pulls out an envelope handing it over. “I been carrying this around for a few weeks now. It explains everything, and I filled out my transfer request to the nomads.”
“Wait, no. You ain’t going nomad.” I can’t believe what I’m hearing and I won’t let it happen. “Take time out, Skid, however long it takes, I got ya on that. But you ain’t going fucking nomad.” I turn my head to face him, don’t give a shit if he sees the fucking tears in my eyes. I arrived here when I was just a kid. Skid’s been like an older brother to me ever since.
“Nomad means you're alone out there, that you don't belong no place.” I remind him. “You can’t be a nomad when you got a family, Skid. And we’re your family. When you get your head straight, you’re coming home to us, your brothers. Hell, Carly would take me out with more than a fucking screwdriver if I didn’t make you see that.”
“I hear ya,” Skid nods his head, smiling back at me bravely.
“Look out for Rogue. I’ve let her down this past year and that crazy bitch may not give the vibe she needs anyone, but she does.”
“It’s done, brother,” I assure him, standing up and holding up my hand to help him up off the floor.
“And what do we do with him?” I tip my chin at Tommy, who’sstill laying in silence.
“I want you to keep him here, to get him fucking straight.” Skid looks down at his nephew.
“You want a shot at being a decent man you’ll listen to this one,” Skid tells him firmly. “You got one chance to prove yourself to this club, don’t fuck it up.”
Tommy nods his head and looks at the floor.
