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“Who are you talking about?” Nyx is looking back at me like I’ve gone crazy. But he’ll understand in the next few seconds.
“Tobias-fuckin-Saunders.” I speak his name through my teeth, and watch Nyx’s brain catch up.
“Chop,” he says the name that the asshole took up when he came here, as he slumps himself into the chair opposite mine with a stunned look on his face.
“It was before he was a member of the club, he was working a gang of women, kept them all in apartments opposite the bar he ran—”
“Chop killed our mom,” Nyx interrupts me, still reeling in shock.
“He did, And I didn’t join this club for the fuckin’ brotherhood. I joined because when I got old enough to track that fucker down, I found out he was a member. I prospected in a different Charter to his and I’ve bided my time ever since. Then by some fucked up coincidence, you got drawn here too,” I tell him, resting my elbows on the table and leaning forward. “I’ve waited for years to make him pay for what he did to her.” I press the finger holding my cigarette onto the picture. “I've traveled from Charter to Charter getting relief in the only way I know how, building enough respect to get close to him…”
I don’t bother telling Nyx that he’s the reason that I didn’t kill the man every time I came here, he’ll see it as hope that I can be a better man. “I feel for Skid, what that cunt did to Carly was unthinkable. But Chop’s mine, Nyx. He’s been mine since the night he took her from us.”
My brother looks like he got a bad taste in his mouth, his nostrils flaring as he stares down at the photo of the three of us together. And I wonder if by telling him all this, I’ve put the curse inside him too.
“You got all the best out of her, Nyx. You got her heart, and that caring nature she had.” I take another long toke on my smoke, then smile like shit don’t hurt. “I got a faded photo and a life-long fucking grudge.” I give him time to process, to try and piece everything together in his head.
“Promise me you won’t act on this,” he says eventually. I can’t look him in the eye and lie to him because if Chop were in front of me now, I don’t think killing him once would be enough. I’ve thought about too many different ways to do it over the years.
“Brax, I mean it. I fucking hate him for what he’s done. But you know the consequences if you go against Prez’s orders,” he warns.
“Jimmer ain’t my Prez. Not yet,” I remind Nyx, who looks about as serious as a man with a noose around his neck.
“You had no right to keep this from me,” he narrows his eyes. And I hit him back with all that I have. Honesty.
“I wasn’t ready to share her,” I admit, knowing I’m a cunt for being so selfish.
“You have to stop with this shit, Brax. You can’t live for hate, not when there are people around you trying to be part of your life.” He leans forward, pressing his palms on the table and lowering his head so my eyes are forced to look at his. “Years ago, I know you came to my foster home. I heard you threaten the kids that gave me shit. I never saw your face but I did see the cut you wore, and as soon as I was old enough, I found the closest Charter. Me being here is no coincidence. You brought me to the club… I found Tac, who's been like a father to me, I've made friends who would lay down their lives for me. Then I met Ella, who gave me Dylan, and you know they are the best thing that ever happened to me. In some fucked up way that’s all down to you. You can be happy here too, Brax, if you give up on all the hating. You even got a girl, one, who for some reason is crazy about you.”
“The girl is irrelevant,” I growl back at him. Gracie ain’t being made a factor in this.
“Whatever,” Nyx shakes his head in frustration. “Just think about shit, Brax. Think about what you stand to lose if you carry on gunning for Chop the way you are. And if it don’t mean all that much to ya, then I guess you deserve your vengeance more than anybody.” On that, Nyx is gone. Slamming the door behind him and leaving me alone. Just how I like it… at least that’s what I convince myself.
“Where ya get that?” Brax asks me when I step inside the cabin, my arms full of groceries.
“Tommy picked up some stuff I asked for when he went to the store for Maddy earlier, apparently he’s obsessed with the girl who works there. He brought her here tonight.” I place them down on the kitchen side. I can tell something is off, Brax is sitting at the table and looks deep in thought.
“Have you eaten? I thought I’d make meatballs for dinner.” I try to keep things lighthearted, hoping whatever job he had to do for Prez hasn’t put him in a bad mood.
“Stay away from Tommy.” Brax gets up from the table and heads out toward the decking that overlooks the lake.
“Why?”
“Because I don’t like him.” Slipping a cigarette into his mouth, he rests against the doorframe as he sparks his zippo and lights up.
“You got a reason for not liking him?” I start packing away the stuff Tommy got from the list I gave him earlier. I actually thought the boy was quite sweet.
“Yeah, I got reasons,” Brax exhales, releasing a cloud of smoke as he looks out onto the lake. He clearly isn’t in the mood to talk, so I busy myself in the kitchen. Then smile to myself a few minutes later, when I feel his arms wrap around my waist and his lips touch the skin just below my ear.
“Meatballs sound great. I’ll go take a shower.” He pulls away from me and heads for the bathroom, leaving me to get on with making the sauce.
It feels like I haven’t had meatballs in such a long time and I try to remember the way Mom used to make them. She’s written the recipe down for me somewhere at home ready for when I move out, so I can cook them for… And there it is again, that pang of guilt that I’ve been distracting myself from the last few days.
The decision I made to give into whatever draws me to Brax hasn’t weighed on my conscience nearly as much as it should, I’ve been so distracted with everything else that’s been going on around me, and suddenly my deceit hits me like a tornado.
I’m a bad person for what I’m doing here with Brax, I’m an even worse person for not letting Julian know I’m okay. He’s sure to be worried about me. He’s been stressed out at work with all the extra responsibilities, and now this. It’s not fair on him. The least I could do is let him know that I’m okay.
I look at the table where Brax’s wallet and cell are. I'm sure I heard Maddy mention that the boys' cell phones can’t be tracked. Surely it wouldn’t harm for me to call Julian, just to quickly let him know that I’m safe. I won’t tell him where I am or about the agency. Just reassure him that I’ll be home soon.
