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“You can start with Mark 11:25.” Father hands me the book after supper and I resist the temptation to snatch the thing out of his hands.
“And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone…” I look him square in the eyes. I don’t need to look at the words. This is a passage Father has me read often “…forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.”
The prayer I’ll be saying tonight will ask that if there is a God, and He really has the power that His book says He does, then may He strike my father dead on the spot for being evil. For killing those women, and for making Mama suffer. And if God doesn’t act, then I’ll have to use the little bit of evil that He put inside me.
I’ll become a sinner, and send my father to his judgment.
I will end him if I have to.
“Thanks for bringing me here.” I bat my lashes at Thorne when he parks his truck outside my house.
“Ain’t no bother. Skid don’t want you goin’ out alone, that don’t make you a prisoner. You want me to come inside with ya?” he checks.
“I think I got it.” I wink, hopping out the truck and making my way across my front lawn.
I’m sick of getting by with the bare essentials in Grimm’s kitchen, and I need to grab some more clothes.
Unlocking the door, I toss the keys onto the side table and flick through the mail I picked up from the mailbox for anything important, and I stop when I see a postal stamp that I recognize.
The one that always drags the guilt out of me.
I’ve had a number of these over the years, only ever when he needs something from me. He’ll either want me to smuggle something in, or to get in touch with someone for him. Whatever it is, I've never let him down. Tearing open the envelope, I’m not surprised to find that it’s a visiting order.
I quickly shove the letter into my back pocket and move to the kitchen. I can worry about it later.
Packing up what I need, I move through to my bedroom and grab myself some more clothes.
For some reason, I stop and take time to look at Mama’s photo as I pass it in the hall. I see a resemblance between us. I wasted a lot of my childhood hoping she’d come back and rescue me. Now, I detest her just as much as I do them.
AGED 8
“Go to your room, honey,” Mama tells me. I’ve woken up and walked into the living room after a bad dream. I just want her to come and lie with me until I fall back to sleep again.
The room is clouded with smoke, and Daddy and his friends are drinking beer. One of them is drawing something on Frank's forearm with a loud machine that's making my head buzz. My mama looks nervous and urges me away with her eyes.
“She’s okay, ain't ya, sweetheart?” Daddy's friend holds out his arms for me to go to him.
“Come give ya uncle Nick a hug.” Daddy pats me on the head as he gets out of his chair and heads into the kitchen, probably to fetch more beers.
“I really think she should be going to sleep.” Mama takes my hand and drags me away, but Uncle Nick’s arm is wrapped around me tight, crushing me into his lap.
“She’s beautiful just like her mama, ain’t she, Frank?” I don’t like the way he’s stroking my leg, but I like that he thinks I look like Mama. She really is beautiful.
“Bed, Evangeline.” I look over to my dad, and he doesn’t look happy, maybe he doesn’t like it that Uncle Nick likes Mama so much.
I get up off Uncle Nick’s lap and go back to my bedroom. I try to sleep but the men are being so loud that their laughter vibrates through the walls of my room. It’s always like this when they come over. It started out just being weekends, but now it’s every night and I know Mama doesn’t like it. She just loves Daddy too much to stop him from having fun.
Eventually, the noise dulls down and is replaced with snoring. Daddy is always the first one to pass out. He gets real tired these days, and his eyes are always so sad and distant.
When my door creaks open, I freeze until I feel a warm hand rub gently over my back.
“Sleep, honey,” Mama’s calming voice whispers to me. She’s come to me at last and now she’s gonna lie with me until I fall asleep, just like I want her to.
“I love you so much, Evangeline,” she tells me, and I don’t mind that her words come out a little slurry, or that she smells of the strange stuff they all smoke from Daddy’s pipe. Just having her close is a comfort.
“I’m sorry that this is the life I’ve given you. It wasn’t supposed to be like this.” I close my eyes and relax with her words. I don’t bother to tell her that I’m just happy to have her with me. That it doesn’t matter that she sleeps most of the day and I have to get myself up for school. I love the time we spend together even if it’s just watching TV while we wait for Daddy and his friends to get back from the bar.
“One day I’ll make all this right,” she promises.
