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“I don’t know, on some discovery shit, that you probably put in her head,” he spins back around and comes at me again. But I stand static as I take in what he’s told me. Shaniya can’t be leaving. She’s too fucking fragile, not to mention the fact that she knows nothing about the world she’s been sheltered from her whole life.
“Are you hearing what I’m saying, Troj? She’s left. Gone, and we need to get out there and bring her back.” He grabs at the lapels of my cut again and shakes me out of my trance.
“We ain’t doing shit.” I shove him away, thinking about all the things she told me she wanted to see. They were all such simple things that most people would take for granted.
I was looking forward to seeing her face when I showed her them all.
“Are you mad, Troj? This is Shaniya, she doesn't belong out there. She belongs here.” I can’t respond to him, my heart and my head are too busy having a war.
“You know, you even had me for a second.” He laughs at me. “I thought you loved her, and that was about the only thing that made losing her bearable.” His head shakes at me like I’m a disappointment, and it triggers the reaction he’s been waiting for. I wrap my hand around his throat, forcing him back and bending his body over the edge of the ring.
“I do fucking love her.” My jaw tenses so tight, I can barely get my words out as I keep him pinned to the canvas. “And that’s exactly why I’m gonna let her go. The further she gets away from this town, this club, and from me, the fuckin’ better.”
Tawk wants to fight back, I can tell. Unlike me, his heart's running his head right now. I’m battling mine down and locking it away because that’s the only thing I can do to protect her now.
“I’m letting her go because I love her.” I soften my tone and release him, before stepping away.
“I meant what I said, I don’t blame you for what happened to her. As much as I want to, I don’t,” he admits, easing himself back on to his feet.
“Touching as that is, I fucking do.” I slump onto the weight bench and rest my elbows on my knees.
“Actually, I blame myself,” Tawk sighs, defeated. “If I’d shown her how I felt sooner maybe none of this would have happened. I was just so focused on impressing her uncle and convincing him that I was good enough. I forgot that I had to convince her too.” Tawk rubs his hands over his mouth, it’s obvious how devastated he is about all this and I haven’t got the energy to hate him for it anymore.
“You can’t blame yourself. You did everything you could to protect her, you even fought me.” I look up and manage a snigger through all my hurt. “And I hate to admit it, but you were right. She’d have been better off with you. I should never have let myself fall in love with her.” The words may taste bitter, but they’re true.
“That's no easy task, Shaniya’s a very easy person to love.” Tawk huffs a sad laugh back at me. It's the first time I’ve ever seen his lips turn upwards.
“I should have killed that fucker in the alley that night. If I had, none of this would have happened.” He stares at the floor, angry at himself.
“What are you talking about?” I stand up. Suddenly feeling fuckin’ curious.
“A few months back, I lied to the chief and took Shan to the library in town. I was trying to make her happy, and books always make her smile. Her uncle—”
“Get to the fucking point, Tawk,” I interrupt.
“The tire blew out on the truck over at Fountain, and I was late getting back to her. While she was waiting she saw something happen, something that she should never have had to. I should have never taken her with me.”
“What did she see, Tawk?” I quickly push him for more.
“A man got killed, round the back of the bar in town, and whoever did it knew Shaniya saw him do it, he chased after her and made some threats. I should have gone back down that alley and dealt with him. But she was so shaken and I was so worried about her uncle being mad at me, I just focused on getting her home.”
“Who was it, Tawk? What did he look like?” I stand up, grabbing his shoulders and forcing him to focus.
“I don’t know. She said he wore a mask.” I feel his words drop into my stomach, as he drops his eyes to his feet again.
“And you’re just telling me this now?” The frustration inside me multiplies by a hundred.
“I thought you knew. Shaniya seemed to tell you everything.”
I pace the ground in front of him, not knowing what to do with my fucking hands as I try to fill in the gaps. Had Shaniya been a target? Why didn’t she tell me what she saw that night?
“Troj, I’d have spoken up before if I thought you didn't know. We disagree on a lot of things, but protecting her isn’t one of them.”
I nod back at him, because whether I like it or fucking not, he’s right.
“Are you really gonna let her go?” he asks me seriously. It would be so damn easy to tell him no, to leave here, get on my bike and go after her.
“Do you understand why I have to?” I don’t know why, but suddenly I don’t want him to judge me wrongly.
