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The other night at the reservation there was a minute where I thought I’d lost him. But he managed to turn it around. He needs to find that fucking motivation now.
“Troj,” I say his name as I approach, but that’s about all I got. I don’t know what to say to him anymore. I can’t even think about Maddy going through what his old lady had to suffer. I refuse to imagine it. I’d rather be stabbed by a thousand knives.
“I can’t take it, Jess.” He stares back at me with swollen red eyes that bleed more tears. Tears that he ain’t too proud to show me, because we’re brothers.
His pain is my pain. He bleeds, I bleed. And right now, I feel his hurt so fucking bad that I bleed tears too.
“I wanna cut myself open, so I can reach inside myself and pull everything out,” he tells me, his voice rough and broken.
I grab him from the back of his head and pull him in, holding him tight to my shoulder.
“We’ll get him. We’ll find the fucker that did this and then that’s exactly what we’ll do. We’ll hang him by his guts and drain every ounce of blood from his body.” I grit my teeth as I speak into my best friend's sweat-soaked hair.
And I mean every word I say, because no one fucks with the people I care about without suffering the consequences.
ONE MONTH LATER
California is nothing like Colorado. The air smells different, the people here are different, and I just can’t seem to settle. I tell myself that I will, that I’m just adapting to change, but I fear that the truth is I’ll never be truly settled without Troj.
“Morning Shaniya.” Willow passes my desk and takes her usual seat in the corner of the library. She comes here around the same time every day to study, and every day I watch her take out her laptop and put her earphones in. I wonder what she listens to. I never ask her. I’ve only just started listening to music myself, and there are so many different choices, I find it all a bit overwhelming.
I’ve had my job here for almost two weeks, the pay isn’t great but I’ve made the money Rogue gave me last as long as possible, and I feel safe here. I have an endless supply of books, and maybe it’s stereotypical of me to assume, but the people who come here don’t seem to pose any threat to me.
Willow looks up at me from her laptop and when she smiles, I return it before continuing to log the latest returns into the computer.
I’m still embarrassingly slow with technology, but it gets a little easier every day. I feel the phone that Rogue gave me vibrate in my back pocket, and I check no one’s watching before I slip it out to check it.
Ella and Nyx are having a baby girl.
Maddy’s text makes me smile to myself. She’s texted me every day since I left the club, and I always make sure to message back and tell her something about my day too, no matter how mundane it might be.
I love that she keeps me updated with what's going on, but at the same time, it hurts to think about life back in Manitou Springs.
Especially Troj. I try not to think that he might have moved on and found someone else. Or wonder if he thinks of me as often as I think about him.
I miss him.
“Me and a couple of friends are going to a beach party tonight, it’ll probably be the last one of the summer.” I jump up and quickly shove my phone back into my pocket when I realize Willows’s at the desk. She hands me a post-it with an address written on. “You should come.”
“I don’t really do parties,” I laugh nervously. I don’t want her to think I’m not grateful for the offer but I’m not really ready to go to a party yet. The first and last one I went to was Maddy’s. I was nervous then, even with Troj by my side.
“You should. I take it you’re new to town. It’ll be a good opportunity for you to meet some friends,” she suggests.
Since being here, making friends hasn't really been a priority. Stepping out the front door every morning took precedence over that, along with trying not to think about Troj and surviving on a few hours’ sleep because of the nightmares I’m plagued with.
“My number’s written on there too, I really hope you can make it,” she shrugs before breezing out the glass doors onto the street.
I get back to work, filling up the return’s trolley with the books that I’ve logged back in, and then finding their rightful place.
When my shift finishes, I head straight back to my apartment. The one bed is the best I can afford, and the fact I’m on the top floor is good exercise. I struggle with the lock on my door and try not to trip over Sphinx, I assume the fluffy black cat who is always here to greet me belongs to the old lady who lives next door. He’s always roaming the halls, and has a habit of weaving around my ankles every time I come home.
Once I’m inside, I pour some fresh water out for Sphinx and tip some biscuits into a bowl. Then I leave them out in the hall for him. I’m sure his owner’s a little senile and forgets to feed him.
Leaving him out there, content, I head back inside and switch on the TV so I have some company while I reheat the leftover chow mein from last night.
I’ll spend tonight the same way I’ve spent all my others, alone, with the door triple bolted.
Some might think that’s a sad existence, but to me, it’s better than the alternative. I haven’t regretted leaving Colorado. It was what I needed to do. The bad memories there were too much to stand, especially without Troj to get me through them.
