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The guy Squealer’s talking to keeps flicking his eyes up at me, and then suddenly looks sorry for me. It puts a bitter taste in my mouth. One that I wash away with another mouthful of Jack before I march over to one of the couches in the corner and take a seat alone.
Everything Grimm just said is right. I’ve failed her. Abandoned her when she needed me the most, and all because I didn’t know how to comfort her.
I close my eyes and try to envision things differently. The way things could have been if I’d stayed at the hospital with her that night, and been by her side when she woke up instead of throwing myself into a blood-thirsty abyss.
I knock the bottle back again, wishing the alcohol would work faster to numb my head, and I stare into the crowded space in front of me while my head reels over all the things I did fucking wrong.
I hate that this place is full of men I don’t really know. Men she don’t know either.
None of this can be easy on her, and yet she’s here for me.
I’ve blocked out how fucked up everything must be for her now, because I can’t bear the thought of her hurting. And I may not deserve her, but that doesn’t mean I can’t try and keep her safe.
I take the bottle with me and head out to the foyer, hoping to find her or Rogue outside.
“Where’s Shaniya?” I ask Grace when I spot her talking with Brax and Tac by the entrance.
“Rogue took her back upstairs to her room, she was pretty upset.” She looks at me with a disappointed stare. I’m over the fact that every old lady around here’s pissed at me.
“Which room?” I ask.
“Grimm's old one,” Brax answers for her, tucking her back under his arm.
I leave them to it, making my way up the stairs and bumping into Rogue on her way down, she’s a few steps higher, and looks down at me ruthlessly.
“Shaniya’s tired, she’s had a long day traveling, and her welcome wasn’t exactly warm.” She scowls.
“Why did ya have to bring her back, Rogue?” I clutch the neck of the bottle in my hand and look at the worn carpet beneath my feet.
“You're unhappy, and she’s unhappy. It made sense.” She shrugs like it’s just that fuckin’ simple.
“She thinks you don’t want her anymore, Troj. She can work at getting over what those monsters did to her, but she can’t get over that.” She makes sure her shoulder hits mine as she passes me.
“Rogue…” my head turns to follow her. “…When did you start caring?” I manage a smile at her, because I can’t help feeling relieved that Shaniya has the hard as nails bitch in her corner.
“Fuck you.” She lifts her middle finger at me before carrying on down the stairs, while I head off down the corridor toward Grimm’s old room.
I stand in front of the door that’s blocking me from Shaniya. And I can’t go inside because I don’t know what to say to her. How do I apologize for what happened and the way I’ve treated her since?
Words ain’t enough.
Rogue said she’s tired anyway.
I want to go in there and get her, to take her back to my cabin where I know she’ll be safe, but I pushed her too far away from me, at a time when I should have been holding her closest.
I step back and let my back slip down the wall opposite her door. I hang my arms over my knees and stare at the plain wood door that separates us.
I drink from the bottle in my hand to try and find an end to all the pain in my heart, but it doesn’t come.
I don’t know how long I sit here for before her moans begin, but each one of them that comes hurts. She begs and pleads, asking for them to stop, and it gets so loud that I feel them scratch scars on my soul. I throw my head back and look up at the ceiling, biting hard on my fist to stop myself from screaming out in frustration.
They get louder and less bearable, acting like a persistent stomping on my heart until something inside me snaps.
My girl’s in there fuckin’ hurting, and I don’t care if she hates me, or if she’ll never forgive me for what happened, I can’t sit here and listen to her pain.
I lift my sorry ass up off the floor and wrap my fist around the door handle, surprised that it actually opens when I twist it. I was fully prepared to have to kick the thing through.
I bring a tiny seep of light into the dark room and when I notice her curled in a tiny ball on the bed, sweat-soaking her nightdress and tears spilling onto her pillow, any hesitation to go to her vanishes.
