AllFreeNovel
Share Us
“Yes, sir, we did. She’s safe now.”
“It’s a shame Elsie isn’t alive to hear that. She loved that girl as if she was her own.”
“Sir, you lived next door to the Farrowmans before they moved.”
“We did, never cared much for him. He was a nasty piece of work. Elsie said that from the moment they moved in. The girl was never clean, ya see, and always hungry. If it wasn’t for Elsie, I’m sure something would have happened to her sooner. Was it him? Did he hurt her?”
“No sir, Ummm.”
“And the woman, whoever she was. She was so detached. Elsie was the only person who showed her any motherly affection. She never got over her being taken, you know. The first stroke came just a few weeks after.”
“Sir, are you telling me that Lydia didn’t have a mother?”
“There was a woman, but it definitely wasn’t her mother. Lydia didn’t like her all that much. It’s why she spent so much time around here. That and the fact Elsie was so fond of her, of course.”
I end the call with Mr. Cameron, promising to call him back with an update. Right now, I need to get hold of Screwy and have him go back to Vail. I’ve got a really bad feeling about all of this.
“Alex, what have we done?” Maddy stares at me in horror.
‘You’re a coward. You were a coward then, and you're a coward now.’ I try to blank Beth’s voice from my head and focus on the road.
“I did the right thing,” I speak the words out loud because I need to hear them, even if they are coming from my own mouth.
It’s only been a few minutes since I left her behind, but it feels like the ass end of my world’s been ripped out, and I’m drowning in the emptiness. The strain in my muscles is too tight, and I don’t feel like I can raise my chest to take a breath, so I pull over, get out of the cage, and slam the door shut hard.
I don’t know where I’m headed as I stomp through the woodland, but I find the biggest tree and throw my fists at it. I lay blow after blow into the wood until my knuckles spill blood and stain the chipped bark red. When the splinters dig into my open flesh, I welcome the pain.
Every time I close my eyes, I see the betrayal on Lydia’s face. I can still feel the sting of her palm on my cheek. She wanted to make me hurt for what I’ve done, and I’d happily have handed her my gun and let her fucking shoot me if I thought it would take her own pain away.
“Are you satisfied now?” I scream at the sky. The way the sunlight filters through the leaves of the trees is beautiful and warms the skin on my face. Maybe it’s a sign that she’s watching me fall apart.
“Stop fucking torturing me!” I call out, hoping she’ll hear me.
But Beth doesn’t answer. She never fucking does. I slide my back down the trunk to sit on the damp earth and take out my gun, holding it in the hand that’s dangling over my knees and staring at it hard.
Beth took her life because of what I let happen. It should have been me that bled out on the bathroom floor that day. Not her.
I’ve thought about putting an end to that agony. Some days it’s all I think about.
But I always come up with a reason not to. It’s called Squealer. Someone has to take care of him. He says trouble finds him, but he chases it. He don’t need me no more, he’s got Alex now. Her and their kids will be what keeps him out of it.
I’ve been using him as an excuse not to pull the trigger for years, but maybe he’s the reason I should have.
In reality, he’s the one who takes care of me. I’ve been nothing but a burden to him. The crazy fucker even got himself locked up in an asylum for me, for Christ's sake. He’s had to be my brother, my friend, my psychiatrist, and my voice ever since.
But, just lately, he’s not been the only thing keeping me from emptying the chamber of this gun into my skull.
I had her.
Waking up with her beside me in the morning, appreciating the way she needed me. I liked being her safety net, even if it petrified me. I allowed myself to consider the possibility of a future with her, and just lately, that’s the shit I’ve been living for.
I kidded myself into thinking we could be happy, that the darkness in me might go away. But how can it, when the memories never will?
The look on Beth’s face will be etched into my mind for as long as I live, maybe in death, too. The repulsion in her eyes, the fear. It has me raising that gun and pressing it to my temple. My hands shake just like they always do as I place my finger on the trigger.
Aged 15
Rick has touched my sister for the last time. I’ve done some sparring with men much bigger than me. I’ve worked tirelessly to get myself bigger, and I feel ready to take the fucker on.
