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I don’t want to scare her. I want to make her safe. But she just said it herself. I’m scaring her.
“Holy fucking shit!” My brother’s voice comes from behind me, and I feel him drag me back. I want to fight him off, to scream at him that I would never fucking hurt her. But then I think about Beth on the floor. Her skin drained of color, the sticky blood on his hands, and I feel my knees cave in.
“Get her the fuck out of here!” Squealer yells, holding me in a bear hug on the floor while Tawk and Troj both stand gawping. “I said, get her the fuck out of here, take her to my place,” he shouts at them again, and Troj quickly takes Lydia’s elbow, guiding her out of my cabin. She doesn’t want to go. Her eyes are desperately looking into mine and crying out for me. Gut instinct tells me that despite what’s happened, she needs me, and so I fight to get to her. Squealer holds me tighter, and Tawk dives on top of me to help keep me down.
“Screwy!” I hear her calling out for me like she’s afraid.
“Calm down, you’re losing your fucking head,” Squealer tries to sedate me. “Count to ten with me, brother, fucking breathe.”
I count in my head. One... two…. three…
“It’s okay, I got him now.” He eases Tawk off, and the pressure on my chest may become lighter, but the crushing inside me doesn’t let up. My brother's arms are still wrapped around me, but I feel them slack a little.
“Jesus Christ, you had me worried for a second.” He drops his forehead into my shoulder and sighs.
“I would never hurt her,” I manage to get the words out through gritted teeth.
“I know. That’s ain’t what I was worried about. For a second there, I thought we were heading back to the cray-cray suite.” Squealer forces himself to laugh, and I grip his arm tight with my hand because I ain’t got the words for him, and I need him to know that ain’t ever gonna happen.
“We just stopped by to ask if you wanted to do some sparring at the gym, and as soon as I walked through the door, I fucking felt it, Screw.” He catches his breath. “I haven’t felt like that since you lost your shit and killed Rick.”
My brother always claims we have this twin connection thing, that he can feel what I do. I don’t buy it, though. He couldn’t feel the rage that I have and keep his sense of humor. I never feel fuck all but anger, and he's always so fucking happy. It’s either a one-way thing or something he’s invented.
“You good?” he checks before deciding whether to release me.
“I’m good,” I assure him, taking a full breath into my fucking lungs when he finally lets me go.
“You wanna tell me what happened there?”
“I need to see Lydia. I scared her.” I’m already making for the door, but Squealer catches up to me.
“Give her space, let her process. Alex will take care of her.”
“I need to get to ‘em, Squeal, I need to fucking make ‘em bleed.” I start to pace the ground in front of him. I have no idea what these men look like, but I got it all illustrated on how they’re gonna fucking die.
“You gotta chill, Screw. We’ll get ‘em, but you have to stay calm, ya hear me? We can’t have you losing your head right now. For some fucked up reason, that girl feels connected to you, and I think we just established that the feeling is fucking mutual. She needs you, man.” He pulls up one of the chairs that have been tossed and takes a seat.
“I can't,” I admit, scrubbing my hand over my face. “I don’t know how to do that shit.”
“Hurts like hell, don’t it?” The motherfucker grins back at me.
“No, Squeal. I can’t. She’s too fragile. We gotta find her family, get her away from me and all this shit, then we make sure every one of Verretti’s men is dead so they can never hurt her again.”
“Sounds like a plan… if you think after all this you’ll be able to let her walk away.” Squealer kicks his feet up on my table, looking all smug.
“I have to. And you’re gonna be the one who makes sure I do.” I stare back at him.
“I ain’t about standing in the way of true love these days. I’m a changed man.” His arms go up defensively, but he’s still wearing that stupid look on his face.
“I mean it, no shitting around. When the time comes, and we can get her home, you don't let anything I do or say stop it from happening. Shoot me in my fucking skull if you fucking have to. The girl goes home, Verretti goes down, and things get back to normal.”
Squealer stands up from his chair and paces towards me. The look on his face is real serious now, and his finger shoves into my chest.
“First up, you should know by now that I’d put a bullet in my own skull before I put one in yours. And secondly, if you think anything is gonna go back to normal after this, you're kidding yourself. I don’t just feel your fuckin’ rage, Screw. I feel your pain, too.” His shoulder barges into mine as he sees himself out.
I’ve made him mad, and that only adds to the weight of my guilt.
I need to see Lydia, but he’s right. She needs comfort right now, and I’ve still got a lot of calming down to do. I can’t let the thought of Lydia’s trainer hurting her into my head. I need to contain all that frustration and store it somewhere, for a time when I can make good of it. When I take down that organization that did this to her.
