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“Have a day off, Squealer,” I’m stuck to the chair because Lydia’s on my lap. If she wasn’t, I’d get up and walk away.
“You’re in some real trouble, bro.” His eyes roam over Lydia as I tuck her into me tighter.
“You can lie to the others, you can even try to lie to yourself, but you ain’t gonna lie to me. She’s changing you, exactly the same way Alex changed me.”
“Just stop!” I whisper-shout at him. I don’t want to wake her, but I sure as hell don’t want her hearing this conversation either.
“I will when you admit that you’ve gone and caught the feels.” Squealer crosses his arms across his chest stubbornly.
I look at the girl in my arms and how her soft, pale hand looks resting on my color-filled chest. “It ain’t that simple, Squeal. She ain’t Alex or Maddy. This girl's gone through some real fucking shit, and I don’t know how to heal her from it.” My mind instantly goes back to that room, the podium, the lights, and what could have fucking been. It makes my chest clamp.
“You know, from where I’m standing, you look like you're doing a pretty good job,” my brother points out, and I wish he could just pull his head out of his own ass and understand. Since we were kids, he’s always been the go-getter. He worked hard, he played harder, and he always got what he wanted. The fiery cop carrying his kids is proof of that.
“I don’t expect you to understand me, but I do expect you to let me do things my way,” I tell him sternly.
“And what’s your way, Screw? What's your big fucking plan?” he asks mockingly, as his ass rests against the barrier and he pulls a smoke out of his cut.
“I haven’t figured that out yet, but when I do, it’ll be whatever's best for her.”
“And what about you? When you gonna start thinking about yourself and what’s best for you?” he asks, tipping his head back and releasing a long stream of smoke into the air.
“It doesn’t matter what I want,” I utter, quickly needing to change the subject before Mr. Deep-and-Meaningful comes up with something else. “I’m taking her to Grace today. She wants to talk things out and do what she can to help Storm.”
“You sure that's what you want, bro? You know, if she starts talking, other memories might start coming back to her. One’s like who she was before all this. And if that happens, you might have to go on that word you keep holding to and give her up.”
“She ain’t mine to give up, Squealer,” I remind him, swallowing hard. Every day, she feels more and more like she could be. It’s in the way she looks at me and how she holds on to me. It was there when I’d kissed her last night and how she’s clinging to me right now.
“I got to take Alex to a doctor's appointment. Grimm and Nyx are on lookout over in Pueblo. Prez sent us all a message to say be ready. We could be moving in on it soon.”
“I’ll be ready.” I nod back at him. Hell, it’s just what I need right now. There’s nothing like a good fight to take your mind off shit.
“Call me if you need anything.” Squealer tips his head at me before jumping over the barrier between our decks and heading into his cabin.
I sit and hold Lydia until she stirs in my arms and opens up her eyes for me.
“Hey,” she croaks sleepily. “What time is it?”
“I have no idea.” I scrub my face and shift up a little.
“You think Grace would speak with me today?” She entwines her fingers through mine and admires how they look together.
“Sure she will.” I think about what Squealer just said, about her remembering who she is, and it puts a sick feeling in my throat. Up to now, that's all I’ve wanted, and now the thought fills me with dread. I have to push past that, though. Lydia wants to help Storm by delving into her past. She’s being fearless and way braver than I can claim to be.
“Will you come with me?” She chews nervously on her bottom lip like she’s scared of my answer. I want to be with her, I want to make her feel safe; but at the same time, I don’t know if I can hear about what happened to her at that place. The last time, I lost myself and scared her. Hearing what she’d endured sparked something inside me that made me need to kill.
“You don’t have to,” she adds, looking guilty, and as she goes to get up from my lap, I quickly pull her back onto me.
“If you need me, I’m there,” I tell her, knowing I’ll probably regret the words later. The way her lips smile back at me is rewarding enough. I’ll just have to learn how to contain myself.
“I’ll go take a shower.” She shifts off my lap and onto her feet, straightening out her T-shirt.
“Thanks.” She smiles at me again, pressing a kiss on my cheek before flitting back inside.
What Lydia does to me is destroying. How can one single person make a man like me hopeful? I can’t even think about what Squealer said. I can’t let myself believe for a single second that I could be good for her because that will make letting go even harder.
Screwy doesn’t speak after we leave the cabin, and he’s silent as he drives one of the trucks to the top of the hill near Shaniya's cabin, then through a narrow track in the trees.
He’s pent up, but that's not unusual.
