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Essie froze, her breath catching in her throat and a weight settling painfully into her stomach. Surely Farrendel didn’t mean that. “Don’t say that.”
“It is true.” Farrendel didn’t move, not even to glance at her. “It might have been better for everyone if I had died in Kostaria.”
The weight in her stomach turned icy. “No, Farrendel. No. I don’t know what lies your brain is telling you, but don’t you dare listen.” Essie rested a hand on his cheek and tilted his head toward her. “Of course, I’m miserable. Because you’re miserable. But that doesn’t mean I would be better off without you. We all just want you to feel better and more like yourself.”
Farrendel shook his head, burying his fingers in the short strands of his hair.
Essie wasn’t sure she was getting through to him. Would her words click in his head? Or would they get pushed out by the nightmares and memories of what he had endured?
As she studied him, she frowned. Gently, she eased one of his hands from his hair and studied his knuckles. A gash ran across the back of his hand while several of his knuckles were skinned and bloody. How could he possibly have gotten hurt? It looked like he had punched someone, but he’d been alone. Had he punched Weylind?
No, these wounds didn’t look fresh enough for that. Nor had Weylind been sporting any bruises on his face like he’d been in a brawl with his brother.
Essie gently traced the length of the gash with her thumb. “What happened?”
If anything, Farrendel shrank into himself more. His hand twitched in her grip, as if he was torn about pulling free of her grip. “That is the reason you cannot be near me. I struck the wall last night during a nightmare. If I...if you...”
He was dangerous. He did not mean to be. He could not help it if he flailed during a nightmare.
But, that wasn’t the real problem here. Essie rested a hand on Farrendel’s cheek and forced him to look at her again. “I get that. I am glad you were thinking enough to wish to protect me. And lashing out in your nightmares is a problem we are going to have to deal with. But hurting yourself in your sleep isn’t much better than accidentally hurting someone else.”
Farrendel kept his eyes down, not meeting her gaze, even if his face was turned toward her.
“Why didn’t you just tell me?” Essie couldn’t keep the bite out of her voice. Heat filled her chest, and she barely had enough control to keep her voice at a steady, normal volume instead of yelling. “We could have talked it over. Instead, you locked me out. Without an explanation. I had to have your brother break down the door to get you to finally talk to me. That, more than you flailing in your nightmares, is the problem.”
“Essie...I...I could not...” Farrendel shook his head, tugging free of her hand. His hands dug into his hair again, as if he was trying to keep his head from exploding.
Essie struggled to hold back the heat building in her chest. As satisfying as it would be to yell at him, he would just splinter even more. She’d scream into a pillow later if she needed to.
His brain was so messed up right now that he probably couldn’t have thought logically enough to have sensibly talked to her earlier.
That still didn’t make what he’d done right.
“Yes, you could have.”
He flinched, then his eyes flashed to her for the first time, sharply silver-blue and pained. “What was I supposed to say? That I fear hitting you in my sleep? What kind of monster does that make me?”
“That’s exactly what you were supposed to say! Not the monster part. You aren’t a monster. You’re traumatized and need help, and there’s a difference. It’s a difference we could have worked through if you had just talked with me.” Essie’s hands were shaking with all the pent-up emotions inside her.
He slumped back against the wall again with a sigh. “I am sorry.”
“I forgive you. But, please, in the future, just talk to me, all right?” Essie blinked back tears, her throat going thick and painful again. Why couldn’t she seem to find the end to these tears?
He tilted his head toward her, then held out an arm.
She took his invitation, curling against him and burying her face against his shirt. When he wrapped his arm around her shoulders, she couldn’t hold back the tears any longer. After crying on Rheva’s shoulder that morning, she should have been all cried out. But it turned out tears had a way of replenishing just when they weren’t wanted.
But crying on Farrendel’s shoulder felt so much better, with him warm and solid, if far too bony and thin after his ordeal in Gror Grar.
When he leaned his head on top of hers, she felt his shoulder shaking. If he was shedding tears of his own, she did not stop crying or lift her head to see. The moment felt like healing, even if the block didn’t yet lift from the heart bond.
When Essie sniffed her way to silence again, she dug out the handkerchief that she had stuffed in a pocket, prepared this time. She didn’t raise her head from Farrendel’s shoulder as she dabbed at her eyes and running nose. “So what do you want to do about tonight?”
“I am going to have more nightmares. I will just keep you awake.” Farrendel didn’t move either. If anything, his arms tightened around her, as if he wasn’t ready to let her go.
“You will keep me awake no matter where you or I sleep.” Essie patted his chest with her free hand. “If I make hot chocolate tonight, will you actually want some?”
She assumed the movement of Farrendel’s head against hers was a nod and not a shake. He squeezed her hand. “I think so.”
