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Where was Essie? Where would she go? It was not like he had given her much of a tour before he had left.
Though, he had been gone a week. While he would have huddled in his rooms avoiding everyone if he had been in Essie’s place, she likely would not have done so.
He shut the door and sagged against it, his heart sinking. It was not like he had expected Essie to be here to greet him with a warm smile but…he had deep down been hoping for that. It left him empty to find the rooms just as cold and lonely as they always were when he returned.
Pushing off from the door, he dragged himself up the stairs to his own room, shutting and locking that door behind him. He showered and dressed in comfortable clothes before he sat on his bed, leaning against the wall.
How long he sat there in his dark room, staring at nothing, trying to think about nothing, he did not know. The forest outside his window turned gray, then darkened into night. He could hear the opening and closing of doors when Essie returned from wherever she had been. Essie’s footsteps scuffed on the stairs to her room before her door shut.
He did not dare let himself sleep. If he dreamed—if he cried out in his nightmares—he would scare Essie.
Instead, he sat there, staring into the darkness.
* * *
He must have fallen asleep.He woke from his own scream in his nightmare, his throat raw, his tongue gummy in his mouth.
For long minutes, he curled on his bed, struggling to pull himself from the fog of his nightmares. He fisted his shaking hands in his blankets below him and told himself to breathe deeply and evenly. He was alive. He was not being tortured. He was safe.
Distantly, he registered the sounds of doors softly opening and closing, accompanied by Essie’s footsteps. He stilled as he heard her footsteps on the steps to his room moments before a light knock rapped against his door.
What was he supposed to do? He did not want Essie to see him like…this.
After several moments of silence, she knocked again, this time calling out quietly, “Farrendel?”
She was not going to leave. And, suddenly, he did not want her to go. He wanted—needed—a glimpse of her smile to remind him of light and happiness to get himself through tonight.
He rolled to his feet, crept across the room, and opened the door, bracing himself against the doorjamb to hide his shaking.
Essie stood there, her eyes shining in the starlight as she flicked a glance at him before looking down. “Your brother said to give you space, and I was going to, but you cried out in your sleep loud enough I could hear it in my room, and I wanted to make sure you were all right and if I could do anything to help, even if it’s just sit with you for a while if you don’t want to go to sleep again right away. But if you want space, that’s fine too. I’ll go back to my room and let you have space if that’s what you need right now. I understand.”
She cared. He froze, not sure how to respond to so many words coming at him at this time of night. Even after hearing his scream in the night, she had still come here to try to comfort him.
She peeked at him again, her mouth tilting with an expression he could not read, and she shifted closer. “Would it be all right if I hugged you?”
Hughim? The way she had Illyna?
He could not breathe. Could not move. Could not think.
Yet, for some inexplicable reason, he found himself tilting his head in a stiff nod.
She stepped closer, then eased her arms around him. Her hands rested against his back a moment before she leaned her head against his chest.
His breath caught. She was so soft and warm against him. She made him want to gather her in his arms and hold her close. Bury his face against her hair and drink in her presence.
But he could not bring himself to act on those impulses. He was not yet ready to embrace her as she was embracing him. She trusted him, strange as it seemed. And he trusted her. At least, he wanted to trust her.
“I missed you while you were gone,” Essie mumbled against his shirt.
He released a breath, the tension in his muscles easing for the first time since his nightmare. He was not sure what it was about Essie that relaxed him in a way no one else did. She seemed to have so little anxiety that it eased his anxiety.
After another moment, Essie pulled back, though she rested a hand on his chest as if to keep him connected to her. “I don’t know all your reasons for asking your family to give you space after a battle like this, but I understand there are some parts of ourselves that we can’t show even our families. But you don’t have to hide anything from me.”
What would it be like, not hiding? He was not sure if he could. There was so much that she did not yet know. She did not know he was illegitimate. She did not know about the torture he had suffered, the trolls he had killed, what he saw in his nightmares.
Perhaps someday he would tell her. But not now. Not tonight, with this nightmare so raw in his mind.
Essie’s gaze searched his face. “I don’t fully understand all the implications of the elven marriage vows we spoke, but they are similar enough to the human ones that I know that in marriage our hearts are linked. That means when you are hurting, I’m hurting. When you need help, I’m here to help. If you want space, I’ll give you space. But please know you don’t have to be alone. I’m here for you.”
