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Edmund held Jalissa closer, thinking of all the pain Jalissa had suffered because of the heart bond. Even now, she had succumbed to the sleep of exhaustion because of him. “It’s different than I thought it would be. I wanted a heart bond and yet…it’s painful, knowing that I’m taking so much from her. She’s giving me her years willingly, and yet I don’t like knowing the extent of the sacrifice she’s making for me.”
Julien remained silent, just looking at him with that steady gaze of his.
For some reason, Edmund found himself still talking, telling his brother things he hadn’t voiced to anyone. Things he’d barely acknowledged even to himself. “Then fleeing across Mongavaria, I saw the way keeping me alive was killing her. There was a moment when she dozed off that I thought about letting go, crawling away before she had a chance to wake, and dying before I hurt her any more. I didn’t do it, but I thought about it. It’s not a part of the heart bond that Essie and Farrendel talk about.”
Edmund snapped his mouth shut. He couldn’t believe he was telling Julien this.
But he had to tell someone. Had to process the last few days and what it meant for his and Jalissa’s relationship.
“No.” Julien rested his elbows on his knees. “But the two of them both know that the years he’ll live with Essie will be far longer than however long he would have lived without her. But Jalissa…”
“Jalissa would have lived a long, full life if she’d married an elf instead of me.” Edmund stared at the ceiling, unable to face either Julien or Jalissa, even if she was sleeping. This admission hurt. “I knew it, but I wouldn’t let myself dwell on it. Until the past few days forced me to face it.”
Could he spend the rest of his life taking from Jalissa like this? Stealing her years to live a longer life himself? How many more times would he ask her to keep him alive because of a crazy gamble he’d made?
“Forming the heart bond was her choice as it was yours. From what I’ve gathered, you both need to love for it to work.” When Edmund glanced at him, Julien was still leaning forward, rubbing a thumb over his palm. “You aren’t stealing from her but accepting what she is giving willingly. Feeling guilty would be disrespecting her choice.”
It felt like Julien was talking to himself just as much as to Edmund.
Edmund let Julien’s words sink into him. He shouldn’t feel guilty about the heart bond nor about Jalissa giving him her years. They had talked about it when they started courting. She was doing it perfectly willingly. She had no regrets, so he should have none either.
As for gambling with his life—and thus hers—that was a flaw he’d have to work on in himself. This time, he hadn’t had much of a choice. But going forward, he would have a choice. He had a choice to take a step back from the spy world and focus on Jalissa and the family they were building. He didn’t know what that would look like yet, but he would have to change, for Jalissa’s sake.
“I know.” He let himself smile a bit, even if his guilt wasn’t entirely gone just yet. “When it’s your turn to get married, I don’t recommend heading off to an enemy kingdom as part of your honeymoon. Just stick to a nice, calm honeymoon on the beach or wherever your troll wife prefers.”
“I think she prefers battles.” Julien’s grin held every sappy, totally-in-love emotion Edmund had hoped for his brother when he’d headed off to Kostaria.
“Ah, well in that case, I know who to volunteer for the next mission to Mongavaria.” Edmund let himself grin, pushing aside his worries for now.
“Thanks, but no thanks.” Julien grimaced.
Edmund shared that sentiment. He would be just fine if he never returned to Mongavaria either.
“We should have known the princess was going to make trouble.” Edmund shook his head against the pillow, a wry smile tugging at his mouth. He’d just about rolled his eyes when he’d first heard Princess Bella’s full name. “Her full name is Princess Bella Gertrude Donna Yenene of the Royal House of Ghentren.”
Julien blinked at him, his expression blank. “So?”
“Bella. Donna. Belladonna is a poison. I don’t think that was a coincidence.” And come to think of it, Jimson was probably named after jimsonweed, which was also a poisonous plant. It seemed being named after poisons was a thing for the Mongavarian royal family. Perhaps Princess Bella would name her firstborn son Ricin, since she liked that particular poison so much.
“Her father named her after a poison?” Now Julien was shaking his head.
“Let’s just say I think we’re going to need to negotiate for an elf to be permanently stationed here at Winstead Palace to check for poisons. At least, plant-based poisons like ricin or belladonna.” Edmund grimaced, just thinking about the full variety of poisons and venoms the Mongavarians could use, if they decided to get creative. “And the Intelligence Office will need to step up our monitoring for Mongavarian interference. But if we play this right, we’ll be able to stop any active attacks, at least for a while.”
Hopefully Lord Crest held the power he seemed to think he did. Even Edmund could use a little peace and quiet for a while.
Julien lapsed into silence for a moment, his head bowed. Then he straightened his shoulders, raised his head, and set a tin of mints on the table next to Edmund’s side of the bed. “Averett sent this over for you.”
Edmund shook his head. Trust Averett to remember the breath mints even with everything else going on.
Julien reached into his pocket again, then set a glass bottle of cologne next to the mints. The same kind of cologne Edmund used whenever he didn’t have time to shower after visiting a tavern and needed to quickly cover up the stench of cigar smoke and cheap liquor. “You might find this helpful.”
“I feel like you and Averett are trying to tell me something.” Edmund would have reached for the cologne, but he doubted even that particular cologne would be strong enough to cut the smell. Not unless he doused himself with so much cologne that the reek would be just as overpowering as his current stench.
Julien crossed his arms, his mouth twitching beneath the stern frown he was attempting to hold in place. “Your hygiene took a turn for the worse while you were in Mongavaria. I’m not sure how your wife is putting up with you at the moment.”
She was only putting up with him because she was too terrified to leave him, but Edmund wasn’t going to admit that to Julien. Instead, he gestured at Julien’s blood-spattered and sweat-stained shirt with his free hand. “You aren’t looking all too clean either. You might want to think about a bath before Vriska sees you. You don’t want to scare her off before you have a chance to tie the knot.”
Julien just grinned and tipped his chair back on two legs in a manner that he’d never dare to do while their mother was in the room. “Vriska likes me a bit bloody and sweaty from battle.”
