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By the time I pull back, I’ve got Opal panting, gripping my cut in her fists. “Gauge, lock the door.”
“With pleasure, Gorgeous.”
CHAPTERFIFTY-THREE
OPAL
Early February 2021
Months of counseling have done wonders in coping with my past trauma, but I’d be lying if I said I was anywhere near finished. The deeper I go with therapy, the more I see this as a lifelong journey.
At first, I worried I was damaged, but Brandon assured me that many people who deal with trauma perform self-care routinely. Burying them is no longer an option. Maybe I won’t always have to have sessions with Brandon, but I’ll need to deal with my emotions as they occur.
When I talked to Gauge about it, he told me I have a proper outlet already—baking. And he’s right. I mull over things that bother me when I’m working in the kitchen. The task helps me remain calm as I navigate my feelings. When I need a break from dealing with my overwhelming emotions, I can flip it off like a switch while continuing to mold dough.
“Earth to Opal,” Brandon says, pulling me out of my daydream.
“Hmm? Sorry. My mind was in the kitchen.”
Brandon smiles. “Is that where you like to be when working through your feelings?”
“It helps a lot,” I admit.
Brandon looks thoughtful for a moment. “Would you like to continue therapy in the kitchen?”
Hope blooms in my chest. “Is that okay?”
“I’m willing to do your session where you are most comfortable. Lead the way.”
Ten minutes later, Brandon sits across from me at the headquarters’ kitchen island. Luckily, Stella had finished doing the lunch shift before we entered, giving us plenty of privacy. I’m kneading a large lump of pastry dough in between my hands. Cinnamon rolls are calling to me.
“You said that you believe you know why you can’t bring yourself to tell Gauge of Levi’s identity. What do you presume is your reasoning?”
This isn’t exactly easy to admit, mostly because I don’t want to believe it. I sat on this knowledge for a long time, hoping another theory would come to light, but it hasn’t.
“It came to me when he walked out of the kitchen one day. It reminded me of him pulling away. The last time I opened up to Gauge, he left me.”
Angry that I said the words aloud, I smack the dough with the rolling pin several times. I drop the roller on the counter when my steam runs out.
Brandon doesn’t flinch. He studies me without judgment. “Opal, this is progress.”
“But I’m admitting I doubt my partner’s ability to stick around when things get hard,” I argue. “He’s a good man, the best. I just don’t want to risk losing him again.”
“Those are your feelings, Opal. Don’t feel bad for having them. Gauge gave you a reason to doubt how he’ll react this time around. Why do you think he left you the last time?”
“Because he drew parallels between himself and Levi.” I go in-depth with what had happened between us, how Gauge felt I deserved better than him. “It was all bull crap. He left, hurting me for no good reason.”
“Gauge left because he truly felt you deserved better. I’m not saying how he went about it was right, but don’t dismiss his feelings. Sometimes we do irrational things when we’re overwhelmed. It doesn’t excuse the behavior, but it explains it.”
Brandon telling me not to downplay my partner’s feelings fills me with shame. “That came out wrong. I’m not saying his feelings don’t matter. I just don’t agree with his reasoning.”
“And that’s okay too,” Brandon reassures. “You’re allowed to have differing opinions. You clearly have forgiven him by giving him another chance. How much have you talked to him about your apprehension of him pulling away again?”
“I haven’t. While we were rebuilding our relationship, we talked extensively about the events leading to our split and how we felt about it. But I haven’t talked about my fears of him leaving me again. Mostly, Gauge continually apologizes for being a dill hole.”
Brandon chokes on a laugh, trying to cover it up with a cough.
My cheeks heat with embarrassment. “Sorry for my language. I think Jo is rubbing off on me.”
