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“Motherfucker,” Gauge mutters under his breath. He’s only going to get more upset.
“From that night on, he would hold me ‘till I fell asleep, and every morning I woke with him in my bed. There was no worry about Shelly discovering us since she was never awake before I left for school. A voice in my head kept screaming that this wasn’t right, but when I would voice my concern, he downplayed my worries.
“He’d say stuff like, ‘It’s okay, Olina. We care for each other. Social norms don’t mean what we’re doing—what we’re sharing—is against the rules. Do you like it when I hold you and talk with you?’”
“I remember being embarrassed by his question, but I told him I did like it because it was the truth. I thought he was taking care of me, that I was special to him.
“He said, ‘Then don’t overthink it. Leave the worrying to me. I’ll take care of everything.’ He was so convincing.
“The first time he kissed me, it was feather-light, only a fleeting peck. I had never been kissed before. I had done nothing with a boy—my bashfulness had me clamming up when a guy would ask me out. A normal teenager being kissed by an older man may have seen the red flags. All I saw was a handsome man showing me the love I desperately wanted.”
Ashamed, I stop talking. I was so blind, or maybe I just didn’t want to believe someone would take advantage of me.
“Don’t blame yourself, Opal,” Gauge soothes, cutting through my self-hatred. “You were a kid being influenced by a cunning predator. None of this was your fault.”
His words give me comfort and the strength to continue.
“The more time he spent with me, the more attached I became. He was the most attractive man I had ever known until I met you. He was about your size with brown hair like you, but his eyes were brown, nothing like your green. I would spend all day at school daydreaming about him. At night, I would sit on my bed staring at the clock, eagerly counting down the seconds until his arrival. It felt like I was holding my breath the whole day until he would enter my room.
“I craved his sweet compliments, telling me I was beautiful and special. When he kissed me the second time, I kissed him back. At that point, I knew what we were doing was wrong since he was a twenty-three-year-old man and I was a fifteen-year-old girl. But I didn’t care. I was head over heels. I assumed it was love.”
It wasn’t love. It was possession.
Gauge is silent, but he’s breathing hard like he’s gearing up for a fight.
“When he asked me to touch him, I hesitated. Terrified of doing something wrong, I asked him to show me. That pleased him greatly. Guiding my hand, he showed me what he liked. Although I was nervous, I wanted to please him. He was good to me, and I wanted to make him as happy as he made me.
“Weeks passed with him requesting I pleasure him. My mouth replaced my hands. I didn’t want to do oral, but after turning him down the first time, I learned not to do it again. He got angry and stormed out of my room.
“Two weeks passed without him returning for our nightly visits. He wouldn’t respond to my texts or phone calls. I would make his favorite bake goods daily—white chocolate macadamia nut cookies—hoping it would appease him, showing him how sorry I was. But it had no effect on him. When he was at our apartment, he would openly shower my mom with affection while blatantly ignoring me as he ate my apology cookies.
“It crushed me. I thought I had lost his love. Unable to eat or sleep, I fell apart. At school, I was a zombie, going through the motions. At home, I did my chores before locking myself away in my room, where I’d cry myself to sleep. All I wanted was to have him back.”
“He was manipulating you,” Gauge hisses low in his throat. “He knew if he could make you feel guilty enough, you wouldn’t refuse him again.”
“I wish I knew you back then. Maybe you could have warned me he was no good. But I was a heartbroken girl who thought I was in the wrong. When he returned to my room, I flung myself at him. He ran a hand over my hair, consoling me, and asked, ‘Will you do as you’re told?’ I agreed, relieved to have a second chance with him. And then he told me to get on my knees.”
I burst into tears, unable to hold back the flood gates.
Gauge holds me close to his chest. “It’s okay, Gorgeous. I’ve got you.”
Before I continue, I take several deep breaths to collect myself. “The night everything changed was on my sixteenth birthday. He told me he wanted to give me aspecial gift. Delighted, I did as he instructed and let him blindfold me. I squeaked a little in shock when he tied my wrists together.”
Gauge tenses beneath me.
“He yanked me against him, warning me to behave or he would disappear again. I begged him to stay, promising not to protest.
“I may have been naïve, but I wasn’t uneducated. When he pushed into me, I knew it wasn’t vaginally. The pain was worse than anything I’d ever experienced. I cried into my pillow but didn’t tell him to stop. The broken part in me still wanted to please him. Afterward, he held me, telling me I did so well, and that I was his ‘good girl.’
“It was those words of affirmation that I clung to every time he took me. I wasn’t doing it because I enjoyed the sex. I did it for the minor comforts of his words and the gentleness he would show me afterward. Bondage was his kink, but nothing got him off faster than my tears. I squirm when I look back over those two years of my life. All the things he’d done to me, all the things I allowed him to get away with.”
Gauge continues to comfort me as I explain how I ran away from home. I told him where I went, what I did for the past four years of my life, and how I never stayed in one place too long because my abuser would find me.
By the time I finish, I’ve drenched him in both my tears and my pain. My face feels swollen.
When Gauge finally speaks, his voice is rough with emotion. “You never need to worry about him again, Opal. You’re safe with me, always. Thank you for sharing your story with me.”
He tilts my face toward his again. “This may not be appropriate to say after everything you confessed, but I feel you need to hear it. I love you, and I will fucking kill anyone whoever tries to hurt you again.”
