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Ouch.Doubt tries to creep inside of me. I refuse its entrance, but it’s difficult when I’ve worried for weeks about him having enough variety in his sexual appetite. “Like sleeping with multiple women?” I quiz heatedly.
I need to calm down. Nothing good will come from me losing my head.
Gauge squares his shoulders, his face darkening. Normally I would think he was embarrassed, but the way he’s behaving, I’m guessing he’s furious with me putting up a fuss.
He clenches his fists. His lips form a thin line on his flustered face. “I didn’t want to get into this with you, but you could never fulfill all of my fantasies. I prefer my women to have more bedroom experience. The sex we’ve had is mediocre at best. I can’t imagine it getting any better if I threw in some restrains and a flogger. It’s not for you, and you’re not for me.”
Hurt, my eyes fill with water.
Don’t you dare cry, Opal. You’re stronger than this.
“So, you were lying when you said sex was the best with me?”
Gauge snorts without humor. “I would’ve said anything to keep you spreading your legs for me. Mediocre sex is better than no sex.”
My lips quiver and I bite the inside of my lower lip to stop it. He’s acting like an ass on purpose. He wants me to get angry and push him away. Too bad I’m stubborn when I know I’m right.
“But you won’t do anything to make the sex better. You never stopped to think that maybe I would get better with more time and experience?” I accuse in a shaky voice, my emotions getting the best of me. “You want to walk away from us without even trying to see if I would be interested in being tied up or having another partner join us.”
Gauge’s eyes burn into mine. “I would never fucking share you with another person—man or woman. You’re not like that, and I would never ask you to do something that you don’t want.”
“Tie me up then,” I challenge with a shrug. “If that is what you need to get off, then do it.”
Without warning, Gauge crosses the room. One hand snakes into my hair while the other collars my neck. I try not to flinch. Deep down, I know he would never hurt me. Still, after years of suffering from Levi’s abuse, the instinct to protect myself comes to the forefront of my reactions.
“I’m not a sadist, Opal,” he snaps through his teeth, spittle flying. “Tying up abused women isn’t my thing. I’m not like him, Opal. I don’t restrain women against their will. Women come to me begging to be held down while I fuck them hard.”
Is this his hang-up? He doesn’t want to be with anabused woman. Am I too damaged to fulfill his desires? Since someone else broke me in, am I no longer acceptable to play with?
That’s messed up. Gauge can’t comprehend I may want him to hold me down while he has his way with me. He doesn’t understand. I trust him to not hurt me, unlike Levi.
Angrier than I’ve ever been, I shove him away. “Fuck you for throwing that in my face, Gauge. Like I had a say in what he did to me. Don’t youdarebring my abuser into our issues.”
Gauge’s mouth falls open; he’s never heard me cuss before. Nor have I ever pushed him away. Well, now he knows precisely how pissed I am.
“Opal, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have brought him into this,” he utters in apology, sounding sincere.
“No, you shouldn’t have.” I step back into his space, jabbing my finger in his hard chest. “Was this all part of your plan? Woo poor abused me to get the details of what my abuser did so you could hunt him down to fulfill your warped hero complex before tossing me aside?”
“What? No,” he stammers. “My feelings for you are real.”
“Are real or were real?”
He bares his teeth with a frustrated snarl. “Were,” he lies.
“I don’t believe a word coming out of your mouth, Clint Roberts. Not a damn one. You love me as much as I love you. I don’t know what’s got you so scared that you’d rather push me away than deal with the issue, but you listen to me. I’m not leaving you, nor will I give up on us.”
Before Gauge can respond, I exit the kitchen, calling over my shoulder. “I’m going to bed. Your attitude better improve before joining me.”
CHAPTERTHIRTY-FOUR
GAUGE
After our fight, I want nothing more than to crawl in beside Opal, pull her against my chest and beg for forgiveness.
On autopilot, I walk into the room and go about my bedtime preparation. I even crawl into the fucking bunk where Opal lies on the very edge, as far away from me as possible. She won’t look at me and I don’t blame her. I’m a selfish bastard who’s crushing her heart.
My actions are sending Opal mixed signals. No wonder she doesn’t believe me when I tell her we’re done. I say one thing and do another. Hell, I don’t believe me and I’m the one who supposedly wants to end things. She’s right to call me on my bullshit. I’m an addict, constantly needing her, but then disgusted with myself when I give into my baser instincts.
