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Studying at a construction site is not ideal, but it beats studying at the rental where Gauge works. His mood swings and constant sulking are like a vacuum sucking all the happiness out of a room. It’s hard focusing with him around me, and he’s always around. One would think he still cares about me with how his eyes follow my every movement. But he doesn’t. Not anymore. It’s just him continuing to monitor my safety like the rest of the crew. My heart can’t deal with him being near, interfering with my brain.
Several times, Gauge has come out to the site for no reason at all, popping into the office trailer where I study. I do my best to ignore his stern gaze while he chit-chats with Jared or one of the other construction workers. Still, it’s difficult when my heart is jackhammering in my chest, begging to be acknowledged. My desire to still be accepted by this man shows how truly broken I am. It’s a good thing the coursework keeps my head busy enough to not focus on my heart…most of the time.
Jo has caught Gauge in the trailer more than once, and her reception toward him is icy.
“Is there something you need, VP?”
“No. Just visiting.”
“Mm-hm. Well, this is my work zone. Your ‘visit’ is distracting. Best be on your way.”
I’m both grateful for Jo’s intrusion and despise it. I want to be close to Gauge, but I know it prolongs my emotional healing. Jo and Atlas are the only people I’ve confided in about the status of our relationship, and even then, I left out most of the details. As badly as he hurt me, I don’t want his brothers upset with him. He’s a good man. Just a poor boyfriend.
Gauge complies, but not before staring me down, leaving with a giant chip on his shoulder. He never argues with Jo, knowing Atlas would rip him a new one if he ever tried. Yet, I can’t understand why he gets bent out of shape when asked to leave, when there’s no reason for him to be present.
I don’t get it. He’s the one who didn’t want a commitment. He’s the one who pushed me away. Why is he acting like I’m the one leaving him?
It should relieve Gauge that I’m looking for a way to better my life and be out of his hair. The sooner I’m gone, the sooner I’ll no longer be his burden. My presence annoys him. His icy glare confirms that alone. I’ve taken the hint and stopped trying to win his approval. If he enters the room I’m in, I leave. If I need things from the store, I ask one of the other guys to give me a ride.
With the money from the strip club, I’ve reimbursed Gauge for my laptop. I wasn’t comfortable making the transaction, so I gave it to Atlas, who promised to handle it. The less communication I have with Gauge, the better.
Sleeping arrangements are the most awkward to navigate. When Atlas stays at Jo’s, I sleep on his bunk. When my ex-biker is being extra assholish toward others, I crash on Jo’s couch.
Thankfully, Atlas and Jo are extremely understanding and accommodating. It can’t be easy sharing their private space with me, but they never complain when I ask to stay over. Atlas comes quickly, whisking me away. Like any good brother, Atlas doesn’t hound me for answers—I’m sure he’s directing his questions at Gauge. But his VP isn’t filling in the blanks. Why? No clue. All I know is I’m grateful for Jo and Atlas. I don’t know what I’d do without their support.
Interestingly, Candy has avoided me since the incident. I assumed since winning Gauge over, she would rub it in my face, but it hasn’t happened. Candy hasn’t spoken one peep at me, and as far as I know, she has told no one she’s successfully swiped my man.
It seems contradictory, but I think she regrets what she did. She can’t look me in the eye or be near me in the rental. It’s a little too late. She should’ve stayed away from Gauge when he was already committed. Girl code meant nothing to her, so I don’t understand why she’s acting remorseful.
Part of me wishes I’d never exposed my past to Gauge. He wanted my vulnerability—demanded it. But when I opened up, I was greeted with trickling rejection.
I get it. It’s disgusting. I feel dirty, and now the man I love wants nothing to do with me.
It would be easier if I hated him. Hated him for making me trust him, for divulging my past, for falling for him. But I can’t. Gauge may not love me anymore, but my heart still belongs to him.
Does that make me weak?
Jo says the hardest thing in the world is to love those who have wronged you, that only the strongest can endure it. She also admitted she’s not one of those people—it’s why she cut out her family when they took her ex’s side after he wronged her. She couldn’t deal with the betrayal. I find her theory hard to believe when she’s the strongest person I know and she couldn’t do it. By her hypothesis, I would be a strong person, and I don’t feel strong. I feel empty.
To fill my emptiness, I pack my schedule. School, baking, hunting for apartments and jobs. I’m running from sunrise to sunset. When the MC women ask to hang out, I make time, so long as I can avoid Candy. If the club guys ask for my help with something, I help, as long as Gauge isn’t involved. I’m so focused on all these tasks that I only take in half the conversations floating around the club. I know there’s an ongoing issue with Esteban Moreno meddling with Atlas, but it’s club business, so I stay out of it.
Today was a long day of test-taking. I’m tired and I want to rest. To relax, I take a shower. A church meeting is happening in the garage, so I take advantage of the bathroom, staying extra-long in the shower. The hot water does nothing to soothe my shredded soul, but it numbs my body.
After, I enter the bunkroom, finding Jo asleep in bed—the bed I’ve been crashing in instead of sleeping with Gauge—Atlas’s bed.
Well, isn’t this crap-tastic? I had heard rumors in the club, claiming Esteban had popped into the area, but I was too focused on myself to think much of it. I’m an idiot for not considering Atlas and Jo might move into the rental while the club investigates.
Dejected, I slump against the wall. What am I going to do?
Space is limited in the rental which was never meant to house all these people. Each bed is occupied. I could sleep on the couch, but the crew parties late, inside and out. I won’t get any rest in the living room. And with another full day tomorrow, I need sleep.
A wild thought comes to mind. I could ask to bunk with one of the other guys. They’re all nice and treat me with respect, but is that asking for trouble? Would they think I’m initiating an arrangement?
The last thing I want is to start a relationship with anyone else, especially anyone in the club. But maybe if I talked to one of the guys, explained my predicament, maybe they would understand.
My shoulders shake with silent sobs as tears track down my face. There’s no way I could share a bed with another man, even with an understanding there was to be no sex. I’d feel like I was cheating on Gauge, which is stupid since he’s moved on. For crying out loud, he sleeps with whoever he wants. But in my heart, I could never do the same to him, not while I still have feelings for him.
“HOOYAH!”
