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Fuck, I sound like a little pussy.
Why did I have to hurt her like that? I told her no and as the words came out, I could see her breaking. I was right to do it though. I’m not her prince charming. I’ve never been one to chase a woman and promise her the world. I get in and I get out. It’s that simple. Had I let it continue, I would have just hurt her more.
I hope she’s okay. She looked crushed.
When she said that it’s not possible to stop something that hadn’t begun, something clicked inside of me and I felt that she was wrong. While nothing official has happened between us, I feel like we’ve already developed some kind of relationship. She was wrong, something had begun between us and it left me feeling as though we’d just broken up.
Over the past few weeks, I’ve learned more about Courtney than I have in the past twelve years. I know how she likes to smile when things aren’t going her way, I know the little crease that appears between her brows when she’s concentrating really hard, and I know the way she presses her lips together as she considers asking me a question that’s bound to shock the absolute shit out of me.
I love the way she laughs at the ridiculous things we discuss during homeroom and I love the feel she leaves on my skin when her arm brushes past mine.
No, she was wrong. Something had begun here and surly, she must know that. Maybe she said it to make herself feel better or maybe she was trying to hurt me like I’d done to her, whatever it is, I hated the sound of the words coming from between her lips.
I sit in homeroom on Tuesday morning. I’d gotten here as early as I could, wanting to take advantage of the precious minutes I have beside her. I don’t know what to tell her. I can’t take back what I said and I shouldn’t, but I need to know that she’s doing alright.
I hurt her. I hurt the first girl who ever wormed her way into my life. I hurt the only girl I’ve ever felt something for.
I must be a monster.
Who does that shit? I should have been selfish. I should have grabbed her with both hands and given it a real shot. I could have tried to make her happy and I could have tried to give her the world, but I chickened out. I should have just swallowed my pride and been the man who does everything in his power to give his woman everything she’d ever needed.
Fuck. His woman? Where the hell did that shit come from? I cannot be thinking of Courtney as my woman, especially so soon after turning her down. All that’s going to do is confuse the shit out of both of us.
But being her man…that would entitle me to all sorts of shit. I would be able to swoop in and save her whenever the hell I wanted, I could kiss her just like I did yesterday completely guilt-free, but what’s more is that I could be with her any time of the day and it would be okay.
I’m digging myself a dangerous hole. I shouldn’t be thinking about this shit. Courtney is not my woman just as I’m not her man.
The minutes tick by without her sitting beside me and as second warning bell rings, Courtney finally walks through the door. Miss Blakeley gives her a scowl, but as she was technically in the room when the bell rang and probably because she’s generally a good student, Miss Blakeley leaves her alone.
Courtney starts making her way toward the back of the classroom, not once lifting her eyes to me. Every day over the past few weeks, apart from that first day in homeroom, she’s walked in and given me a beaming smile, but today…nothing and it doesn’t sit well with me.
Have I taken her smile away?
Up until today I always knew that no matter what, when I walked into homeroom, she’d be there. Seeing her eyes on me and her smile spreading wide across her face was the one guarantee I had in my life. I feel like absolute shit that they’re both absent. I did this and I need to fix it…but how?
She takes her seat beside me and instead of dropping down carelessly and taking up as much room as she possibly can, she sits down at the very edge, almost as though she can’t get far enough away.
Kissing her was better than I possibly thought it could be, but if this is the outcome, then it wasn’t worth it. I hate not having her eyes on me, I hate that she isn’t throwing ridiculous questions at me, and I hate that she looks so broken.
