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She ate quickly and washed everything she used, refilling Miss Jeffries’ cup of coffee while she drank the last of her milk.
Taking a worn baseball cap from her back pocket, she pulled her long ponytail through it. From a small purse she’d had since she was fourteen, she pulled out her sunglasses and bus ticket, checking everything one more time before slipping the shades in place.
Bending, she kissed Miss Jeffries’ cheek one more time. Rowan lingered, inhaling the vanilla scent of the woman who’d raised, healed, cooked, and cared for young women her entire adult life.
Pulling back to look at the only mother figure she’d ever know, she whispered, “I want to thank you for all you’ve done for me. For the big things and so many little things. If you ever need me, I’ll come back. I give you my word.”
Miss Jeffries stroked a wrinkled hand down Rowan’s face and smiled when she leaned into it. “You’re so lovely, honey. I think you and Nina are the prettiest people I’ve ever known. I always counted on you two with the younger ones and you never let me down. I’m so proud of the young women you became. I might hold you to your promise one day.”
“Thank you, ma’am. I’ll always come when you need me.”
“Be careful out in the world, Rowan. I’ve worked real hard to make sure you made it to eighteen in one piece. Don’t make all my hard work count for nothin’, you hear?” Rowan shook her head with a small smile and straightened. “Goodbye, sweet girl.”
“Goodbye, ma’am.”
Rowan picked up her duffel bag and left the kitchen. All the younger girls were away at church camp. She’d written notes for them the day before and left them on their pillows with small gifts. Looking around her, she absorbed the feel of the place and her heart clenched in her chest, making her sigh.
Backing through the screen door, she bumped into someone and turned. Gage stood with a pained look on his face.
“Back for more?Move.” He stepped back and she turned, taking in the sight of Nina on the other side of the porch. “Good luck, Nina. I really loved you, girl.” Slinging her bag over her shoulder, she walked toward the steps and added, “Y’all take care.”
“Rowan, I’m taking Nina into town. I’ll drive you. Let me do that at least.”
Without turning back, she waved her hand above her head and kept walking.
Her future was in front of her.
Chapter Two
1997 - 2000 Age 20 - 23
Every time Rowan gave some idiot a chance by agreeing to a date, she regretted it. Each and every one of them reminded her why she preferred to be alone.
Walking home from another evening of empty compliments and roaming hands, she stopped to check her mail.
A letter from Nina.
Heart racing, she went inside her dorm and shrugged off her jacket. Her roommate was at another pointless sorority party and probably wouldn’t show up until the following morning.
Lowering to the edge of her bed, she stared at her name written in Nina’s bubbled handwriting. Her hand shook as she opened the envelope.
Hi, Rowan.
I was thinking about you again today and finally called Miss Jeffries for the right dorm information for you. I hope you don’t mind.
I’ve been in therapy. I don’t know if it’s helping how fucked up I am but I thought it couldn’t hurt.
I’m in New York. I work as a backup dancer at night for an off-Broadway play and as a server for an Italian restaurant during the day. I don’t mind staying busy. It keeps me out of trouble and you know I manage to get into plenty of that if left to my own devices.
I miss you. I miss our talks - talks I never had with anyone before you or since. I miss the way you made me laugh with sarcasm and razor sharp wit.
It’s been hard for me to write, to apologize for what I did, to tell you how much I regret all of it. I’m ashamed.
My motives at the time seem insane now. I loved you. You loved Gage, and I didn’t want to lose you. I don’t really know what I thought would be the outcome, but I cringe when I look back on it.
I chased him, Rowan. I knew he was desperate for you and I tempted him with every trick I’d learned until I broke him down. I was persistent, determined, and ultimately successful at making him weak. I whispered to him about keeping you, sharing you, loving you together.
I’m sorry. I am so sorry for hurting you. You’re the last person I ever wanted to hurt and I hope, one day, you can forgive me.
