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She smiled and looked at the firefighters. “Do you need to give me a breathalyzer or have me sign a statement refusing treatment?”
Ten minutes later, the firetruck and ambulance were gone. Mrs. Cortena patted her arm and returned to her apartment. Nina stepped out of her heels and placed her hand on the rail.
“I think not, sweetheart.” James lifted her into his arms and started up the stairs.
He lookedlivid.
At her apartment, he put her on her feet and she took the key from her bra. As she pushed it open, he lifted her again and carried her inside, kicking the door shut behind him.
James set her on the couch and lowered to the coffee table in front of it. “You could have died, Nina.”
“I didn’t.”
He held her gaze for a long moment in silence. “Tell me what happened. Don’t lie to me, Nina.”
“I miscarried a child I didn’t know I was carrying on my bathroom floor six weeks ago.” His breath caught. “My cycles have never been normal, my symptoms less so. I thought I’d pulled a muscle.”
“The broken condom…?”
At the shocked expression on his face, she released a bitter laugh. “I imagine youwantto ask butwon’t. Such a gentleman. There’s been no one else. No one else in almost sevenmonths, James. I want to thank you for that. For removing the one outlet I had to remain sane.”
“Nina…”
“I am not a goddamn damsel in distress. Do you understand? I don’tneedorwantyou to save me. I don’t want anything from anyone. I exist. I’m sorry it’s not to the fucking level of happiness that you think I need but that is what I do. I exist. I wake up, I count the minutes, I go to sleep. You are a complication I did not need.”
“Fuck.” Reaching out, he took her hand. “You’regrieving.”
Unable to control her shaking, she resented him for so many things that weren’t his fault. “Someone like me should never be a mother. I’d create a monster just like me.”
“No, Nina. No.”
She closed her eyes. “I’m tired. I’m sore. I need to sleep.”
James stood and pulled her to her feet. Guiding her to her closet, he took down her hair and unzipped her dress. Hanging it up, he removed a soft t-shirt and dropped it over her head.
“You’re going to bruise from head to toe, Nina. I wish you’d let them take you to the hospital…”
“Unnecessary and I don’t bruise.”
Exhaling roughly, he said, “Brush your teeth and whatever else you need to do. I’ll set up your bed for you.”
She walked into the bathroom and removed her bra, brushed out her hair, brushed her teeth, and shook two ibuprofen into her palm.
Glancing at the bottle of powerful pain medication in the medicine cabinet - received the night she took a cab to the hospital after she started bleeding and didn’t understand what was happening - she considered taking the entire fucking thing.
Staring into her own eyes, she growled softly, “You will not quit, you weak bitch. You willnot.”
In the main room, she took a glass of water from James and swallowed the pills.
He tucked her into her bed and her eyes widened when he stripped to his boxers and climbed in beside her. Sealing himself to her back, he wrapped her in his arms.
“Rest, Nina. I’ll hold you.”
They laid like that without speaking for a long time but she knew he wouldn’t sleep. She held in the pain for as long as she could and when silent tears fell to his skin under her cheek, his hold tightened around her.
She didn’t know what she needed until James gave it to her without conditions, without preaching at her about everything she did that caused her to lose her child.
Something she’d done to herself many times over the previous weeks.
