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“Perfect, can’t wait to get out of here.” He shoots me a big smile. “I’m going to do it right this time. I’m going to go out and get a job. See the world. Maybe have a kid, you know, really grow up.” He nods his head and keeps that big smile on his face. Anyone else would fall right into the bullshit he’s spewing, but I’ve seen this before.
“Don’t fucking lie to me Ian. You have no intention of doing any of that.” I slouch down in the chair, I can already feel the migraine starting to take hold.
“What the hell? Why’d you say something like that? Aren’t you supposed to be supporting me?” He grumbles and looks away.
“I want to support you and you know that the second you’re clean I’ll do whatever I can to make sure that you have anything you need. Just don’t lie to me. You know I’m here for you. You don’t need to lie to me.” I do my best to keep my voice calm. I don’t want to fight with him.
He scoffs and his leg starts tapping, “Yeah, you’re here for me as long as no one knows about it. Did you know our father came to see me when I was in the hospital?”
“I figured he would, he was very upset when I told him what happened.”
“Oh yeah, so upset. In fact he was so upset the first thing he did was find the farthest clinic he could and ship me off to it. He badgered me for over an hour to make sure I didn’t tell anyone that I was related to you guys. He told the nurse that he was my sponsor.” Ian looks at me with huge tears in his eyes. “The man hates me so much that he doesn’t even acknowledge me as his kid. I’m just some fuck up that he sponsors.” He shakes his head and turns away from me.
I didn’t know this. I wouldn’t have told him where Ian was if I knew my father was going to act like a fucking prick. I understand that he doesn’t want the media catching on to his infidelity, but when is enough enough? When is he going to understand that everytime he does something like this it only makes Ian worse.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t know about that. You know things with the family are complicated.”
Ian gets up from his chair walking closer to the window. “Yeah, I can make it real un-fucking-complicated.”
“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”
“It means exactly what I said! Once ya’ll don’t have to worry about who knows I exist shit will get very easy. I’m tired, Percy. I’m never going to be as good as you. I’m never going to be a golden child. And I’m never not going to be the one child our father doesn’t want. I don’t want to do this anymore.” He drops his head down and I see the tears plopping onto his shirt.
What the fuck do I do with this? Is he saying he’s going to try to kill himself? Is he saying that he’s going to leave? I walk over and pull him into a hug not caring if he’s still mad about me hitting him. “Ian, what’re you talking about? Tell me you didn’t OD on purpose.”
He pulls away from me and wipes his eyes, “No I didn’t. Right now, it’s not sounding like a bad idea.”
“Ian, don’t fucking say that shit. Of course, it’s a bad idea.”
“Is it? Tell me what happens if I die? You keep living your life, our father doesn’t have to worry about who will find out about me. I have no family, no children, no job, nothing. So what point really is there for me to be here?”
I open my mouth to tell him he’s wrong, but he’s not. I’d miss him for sure, but nothing would really change except I wouldn’t have to be so secretive about things. My father could go on pretending that our family is just as perfect as he wants. The only thing that would change is the world would be cheated out of Ian.
“Ian, I know shit has been difficult for you, I mean it’s been hard for all of—”
He cuts me off before I have a chance to say anything. “Are you fucking kidding me? Are you really about to sit here and tell me that it’s been hard for all of you? Where? On what planet has anything been hard for you? What, did your new Maserati not come in the color you wanted? Or maybe you didn’t get to date the swimsuit model? What the hell do you know about having a hard life, Percy? Everything has been set out for you since the minute you popped out of your mother. You don’t have a hard life and there’s nothing that you can say to convince me otherwise. I’ve been surviving by the skin of my fucking teeth. I’m the one who’s been clawing my way out of the grave my mother should have left me in. I don’t know anything, but hardship and fucking pain, so please don’t you dare try to compare your life to mine.” He snaps at me.
I know I should keep my cool, but I can’t fucking do it, “If this was when you were ten or fifteen, I’d have to say you were absolutely right. You didn’t have many options. But now you do. I’m handing you fucking options. It may not be the ones you want, but I’m giving you the help that you’re asking for in the only way that I can. Yet, you’re so fucking set on smacking my hand away, you don’t see that you’re the only damn one keeping you down in the gutter. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Stop shooting that shit up your nose and in your veins. Get off your ass and let’s get to work. You don’t need our father. You have me, I’m right here. Why does it matter if every newspaper in the world knows it or not?”
The anger in Ian’s eyes dissipates and his shoulders slouch slightly, “I wish it were that simple. I want it to be. I want to get out of bed one day and say fuck it all, I’m going to be great without my father, but all I’ve ever wanted since I found out who my father was is to know that I’ve made him proud. It’s an addiction I can’t shake and there’s no rehab for it.”
I reach over and pull him into another hug. I hate that he feels like this and even more I hate that I’m still playing along with my father’s wishes. Ian’s my brother, why shouldn’t the world know about it?
23
precy
After I leftIan at the Rehab, I swung by the office to check on a few things. It’s the weekend, but that doesn’t mean that the news stops. It’s only a skeleton crew right now, but I’m happy to see that everyone is doing what they’re supposed to be doing and there are no fires for me to put out.
Once I look through a few stories that have managed to make their way to my desk I call Ella to see if she’s started to get ready. The charity begins at four this afternoon and I know it takes some women a long time to get themselves put together. I’ve never really understood why, but I at least want to give Ella the time she needs.
“Hey beautiful.” I lean back in my chair and feel the stress I have from the day melt from my body as I hear Ella’s voice on the phone.
“Hey babe. How’s your brother?” She asks.
“He’s not doing the greatest right now. I just don’t know what I can do to help him anymore. He has a right to be upset, but there’s nothing I can do to fix it.” I run a hand through my hair.
“Maybe he doesn’t need you to fix it. Maybe he just wants you to hear him. You know, validate that he has a problem. Sometimes that is good enough to help.” She says sweetly and I hear something that sounds like water in the background.
