Page 1 of Paging Dr. Douche


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nyla

Losing is not an option.

My eyes flick between my brothers on the gallery like image on my computer screen. All of them holding a card up to their foreheads with cocky smiles on their faces.

"You might as well give up now, Nyla. There's no way you're doing anything with that mess you got in your hand." Finn says.

"Yeah, we'll see about that." I raise one of my eyebrows and look at his card.

We're playing blind man's bluff via Skype.

This is the closest I've come to having a family game night with them in a long time. Growing up, the six of us were so close, but now that we've all become adults, it's harder to get together like we used to.

"Ha, you should be the one to talk, Finn, You should know that you've never had any luck when it comes to beating me." My oldest brother Ivan says, and I see he's holding up a five of clubs. Finn is holding up an eight of hearts. If Finn can keep his composure, this might just be the day he can say he beat Ivan. It won't mean anything, though. I'm confident from the way they're looking at me that I have the best hand.

"Yeah? Well, put your money where your mouth is. I want that Yogi Berra playing card." Finn says and Ivan's face drops.

"No. Wait a minute now. What the hell do you think you're doing? I'm not giving up that card for anything." Ivan argues.

"Ah ah ah, you know the rules, if you don't want to take the bet you're going to have to fold." I say, waggling my finger at the screen.

"Shit, come on man, pick something else!" Ivan begs.

"No, I'll keep it nice and safe for you." Finn says and Tyson, his twin and the second-youngest brother, laughs at Ivan.

"Come on, man, you should've known he was going to go for that. He still swears up and down that you stole it from him." Eric, my middle brother, says.

"Bullshit! It was my pack it came in!" Ivan yells at the screen before looking over his shoulder to make sure no one walks in on him.

"Your pack because you switched them before I could even open it!" Finn screams back.

I shake my head and let the two of them argue with each other. You'd think they were teenagers the way they act, not men closing in on forty.

"Shut up! You taking the bet or not?" Aiden, my second-oldest brother, says.

"Shit, no. Fuck that." Ivan drops his hand and looks at his card. He lets out a sigh of relief when he realizes that he would have for sure lost against his brother.

"Pussy." Finn mutters and Ivan flips him the bird through the screen.

"All right, seems like the only ones with the brass here are you four, what's the wagers." I say and make a show of thrumming my hand against my chin.

"Loser has to wear pink every day for a month. Nyla, since that shit wouldn't be out of place for you, I think we should modify that bet to you wearing those horrid Christmas sweaters Nana knits for you every year. Outside the house! And I want photo evidence from whoever loses the bet." Tyson says and I whimper.

My eyes scan the cards on the screen again, and I know out of everyone, Aiden is going to be hard to beat. He's got a queen of diamonds. I don't know what card I have, but I do know I don't want to wear those sweaters outside. It'll be a crime against humanity.

My Nana, bless her heart, knits me a new sweater every year for Christmas. I'll admit she has gotten better at it, but the patterns and designs she puts on them make me want to yank my eyes out of the socket. The last one she sent me was a lime green and fuchsia combination with big horses on it. One of the horse's legs was shorter than the rest, and it seemed like it was his schlong instead of another leg.

I'd never hurt her by throwing the sweaters out, but there's no way I wanted to go out in public wearing any of those travesties on my body. I just can't do it.

"Call", everyone says, and wait on me to find out if I'm going to call or fold like Ivan did.

"Shit, fine, call!" I grit and glare daggers at the screen.

"Aiden, what's your bet?" I ask.

He tilts his head to the side and when he looks back at the screen, there's a devilish grin on his face, "Loser has to host dad for Thanksgiving."

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