Page 36 of Paging Dr. Douche


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When I get through with my rounds I pass by Ardi sitting at the smaller nurses station drinking a cup of coffee but doesn't bother to look at me. I was hard on her too today. She's actually been at the brunt of my douche-y ways for much longer than Nyla ever has. If there's anyone who should get the first apology, it should be her.

"Ardi, I know you're still upset with me, but I just wanted to take the time to apologize for my behavior today. It was uncalled-for and quite frankly you didn't deserve it." I say jumping right into it.

Her eyes go wide, and she coughs slightly, which causes her to sputter out the sip of coffee she just took in. "Wow... that was ... Wow." She says once she's able to get her coughing under control.

"Way to go, Nurse Thomas." I heave out a sigh.

"No, it was good, just unexpected. I don't think you've ever apologized to me for being mean. I appreciate it, but you know I think it's Nyla you need to be focusing all your groveling on. Even I know it's bad for your health to be on her bad side. If you thought a flash mob was bad..." She trails off, and I realize that Nyla is absolutely ruthless when she's having fun. I don't want to know what she's like when she's pissed off. I'd rather not go down that road.

"Uh... yeah, thanks for that. I think I'm going to go..."

"Find her and pray she forgives you? Yeah, good idea. She was still downstairs when I came up. She could still be there." Ardi says.

"Good night." I call back to her and rush back down to the clinic portion of the hospital.

At first, I think she's gone because most of the lights are out, and the front door is already locked up, but then I hear her ruffling around in one of the patient rooms. I stand there waiting for her to come out and when she does, she walks right around me like I'm just another part of the wall.

I grab hold of her arm and pull her back into the room.

"Oh, you're really on the way to getting hit." She says, but comes with me into the room.

"Yeah, I know. I deserve it. Look Nyla, there's no good excuse for what happened today besides the fact that I let someone get under my skin who is known for playing me for a fool. I'm so sorry for raising my voice at you and for making it seem like you didn't know what you were doing in front of the patient. It was unprofessional, rude and unnecessary. I'm sorry, and I'm hoping that we can still keep our amicable relationship intact." I huff out a breath and take a step back in case she wants to flip me off or yell at me.

"That was a lot of words for, I'm sorry, let's be friends." She raises an eyebrow and when I think about it, I have to laugh at how accurate she is.

"Yes, exactly."

"Alright, Doc, you get a pass on this one. You're forgiven." She smiles at me and turns to walk out of the room.

Wait? That's it? Where are the demands or the screaming or the guilt trips? All the women I've ever had to apologize to that meant anything in my life all required some sort of proof that I was sorry. Cynthia was very fond of jewelry.

"I'm forgiven. That's all? No strings attached?" I ask as I follow her outside the room.

"Strings attached? What kind of people have you been apologizing to if forgiveness comes with strings?" She scoffs and then shakes her head. "No, Doc, there's no strings attached. You're just forgiven. Be nice to me. That's all." She shrugs and grabs her keys, so she can grab her things from the locker room.

"Okay... well, you know I'm going to have to get you back for that Dr. Douche stunt."

She laughs and then in a dramatic way says, "OOO, I'm shaking in my boots." With a quick flip of her hand, she disregards my statement and makes her way into another room, probably to fix something up. The woman is always working. I'm hoping she stays distracted long enough for me to get what I want.

I don't want to go too extravagant with my prank, just another version of a jump scare. I don't have any more fog horns, but I may be able to use an animal like Tripp suggested. Especially with there being no one in the building.

Every year around this time, there's a migration of garter snakes that run through one corner of the back parking lot. Every year for as long as I can remember, they've been doing this.

No one has ever tried to get rid of them since they're harmless and most of the gardeners take a few of them to put in their yards for pests. Still, no one likes to turn around and see a snake slithering by them.

I run out and luckily, there are some there. I grab one of the snakes on the small, medium-sized range and run back to the building. I get in right as she's walking toward the locker room.

The locker room in here is nothing more than a row of five double lockers and two stall toilets. It's about the size of one of the patient rooms. Moving as quietly as I can, just as the door swings shut, I toss the snake inside by the door. I stand back and wait for her squeal and the subsequent curses that come out whenever something startles her, but for some reason she's uncharacteristically quiet.

I press my ear to the door a minute later just to see if she's laughing or anything, but instead I hear a pitiful whimper.

My heart drops to my feet and I push open the door slightly, aware that I'm about to walk into the ladies' room while it's being occupied.

I'm shocked and in disbelief when I see Nyla pressed hard against the back wall as far away from the small snake that is still in front of the door.

"Make it go...make it go." She mutters and I squint at her and then the snake. She could hop over it and be about her way.

"Are you kidding right now? I can't tell." I say, tilting my head. This has to be the best acting she's done so far because I don't think she's moved a centimeter since I walked in.

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