Page 5 of Paging Dr. Douche


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"Where's your EpiPen?" I ask her, completely glossing over the fact that she's teary eyed. I'm here to tell her the truth, not sugarcoat shit.

"I don't have it."

I look at her, ignoring her enraged glare, "I'm going to write you a prescription for another one. You should have the pen on you all the time. When you go out to eat, especially. Again, life and death, Ms. Lemondale." I swivel back toward the computer.

"Such an asshole." The patient says loud enough for me to hear.

I merely grunt at the name. I've been called much worse by much more intimidating people. Asshole should be listed somewhere under my aliases.

"Nurse, I put in an office order of Benadryl. Make sure Ms. Lemondale gets her medication and give her all the patient information sheets we have on food allergies." I close out my screen, ready to move on to the next patient.

"That's okay, Nic. We don't need to. Ms. Lemondale knows what to do. She was very levelheaded and smart to come here and get checked out." The nurse replies and pats the patient on the leg, which gets a small smile out of her.

I bite my tongue, not wanting to further heighten the animosity in the room by arguing with the nurse in front of the patient, but this is unacceptable.

"Nic, once I'm finished in here with Ms. Lemondale, there are some care plans that need your signature. I'll get them from the nursing station." she says, and I can feel the heat rising in my face. I nod once and use some hand sanitizer before I leave the room.

I check the patient board to find out who my next patient for the day is, only to realize I'm free until this afternoon unless an emergency comes in that one of the four other doctors on staff can't cover.

That’s well enough because I need to have a talk with the nurse I was just working with. She seems to have forgotten her place. Time for a reminder. In a flurry of activity, all the nurses at the station rush to go back to their areas, and the air thickens with fear.

I reach over the surface of the nurse's station and pick up the small stack of care plans on the desk. They are laying face up, which is not how they are supposed to be. I grab one of the empty manila folders from the shelf, and put the paperwork inside of it before I tuck it under my arm. I don't want to accidentally display any patient information. Four other nurses sit at the nursing station and now that I'm standing here, no one is saying a word. Suddenly, everyone is so busy with whatever work they're supposed to be doing.

A few minutes later. The nurse from Ms. Lemondale's room comes out and walks toward the nursing station. She stands in front of me like she's waiting for me to give her the paperwork, but that's not what I'm waiting here for.

My eyes drop to her pink bedazzled ID badge and I see her name is Thea Avery.

That's right, Ms. Avery has been working with us for about four months already, but she's usually paired up with one of the other doctors who isn't here today. Maybe that's why she's been stuck working with me.

"Nurse Avery, I want to talk to you about your behavior with our last patient." I fold my hands calmly in front of my body. I'm not going to be accused of being intimidating.

"Oh, I thought it was a good visit." She says, squinting her eyes.

"Good visit? If you mean we didn't have a major emergency, yes, it was, but I'm speaking about more specifically about your behavior with me. That patient is a frequent flier who doesn't seem to know the gravity of her condition. You undermining what I tell her isn't doing any good. Did you give her the information like I told you?" I ask.

"No, she does..."

I stop her before she can give me any excuses, I don't need to hear them. "This is a prime example of what I'm referring to. I am the primary doctor on her case, and it's my job to put in the medication and orders I deem necessary to make sure this doesn't happen again. You are to complete the order that I give verbatim. This isn't a place for you to catch up with neighbors or friends. This is a place of business." I maintain eye contact but don't wait for her to reply, I have more to say. "Speaking of friends, I heard you call me by my first name. We are not associates, and you need to understand that. You're the nurse, I'm the doctor. We have to work as a team, and if you can't recognize or adhere to your place on that team, then I don't need you on it. Furthermore, the next time you refuse to complete one of the orders I give you without substantial reasoning, I will fire you. I have no time or space for a medical professional who can't do her job." I snap out at her, my tone is sharper than before, but I never moved my hands or broker her gaze.

Her lip wobbles and she begins to cry.

"Nurse Avery, Please hand off any patients you are working with and leave the floor until you have properly contained yourself."

I'm not sorry for a word I've said, and I don't care who heard me. We're here to help patients get better, and that's what'll be done. I don't have time for any extra.

She turns and runs off, presumably to the small locker rooms. When I turn to the side, I see the rest of the nursing staff that was at the nursing station staring at me pale faced and shocked.

I'm not sure why, they all know what kind of person I am.

I'm not going to apologize to any of them either, there's no need.

"I'll be in my office if there's a patient for me." I turn on my heel and walk toward my office, ignoring the hushed whispers behind me.

I hear rushed footsteps coming up behind me and I turn just as Ardi Thomas, my charge nurse, comes to walk beside me.

"Dr. Dracos, have you had a chance to go through your emails this morning?" She asks, and I have to stop and glare at her. I've been in from one patient to the next all morning. A fact that she knows. Why the hell would she be asking me about emails?

"No. If there were a pressing matter, don't you think it would have been a better idea to tell me about it than to email it?" I ask, annoyed.

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