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‘I don’t expect you to love me, Ilene, for I am not worthy of that. But if you say yes and come with you me, I will die before I make you regret it.’
She almost waivered, such was her desire to blurt out the truth. She could tell him everything now, throw herself on his mercy. He might still take her, even with the truth before him of how tainted she was.
‘What is your answer?’ he said, impatiently.
She could not bear to hurt him. ‘Murray, I don’t care that you have no name and I never have. And I thank you, truly for the honour of your proposal, but I don’t think myself worthy of it.’
‘Youare not worthy?’ How can you think that?’ he asked, frowning. ‘You are lovely and kind and you have such spirit, such love in your heart. All I ask is that you spare a little for me.’
‘I am not a good person, Murray. I am selfish and vain and foolish. You have been away, so you do not see me as you should.’
‘I do see you. I have always seen you. Have we not been friends all these years since we were bairns? Did you not used to speak up for me, care for me? In truth, apart from your parents, you are the only person who ever has. How could I not see you?’
‘Oh Murray, it is not as simple as that and we were children then.’
‘Aye, but you always stood by me. And it is simple Ilene. If you don’t want me just say so, say it now, and quickly. Do not try and spare my feelings, tell me truthfully.’
‘You want the truth…well then, I think I do want you Murray, but you should find another to marry.’
His face was still a mask of tension. ‘I don’t want another. I want you, which is why I am standing here in the rain, like a fool. Do I have to get on my knees and beg?’
A madness took hold of Ilene, as she stared into his ardent blue eyes, a desperation to escape all the worry and pain of the last weeks. She had hoped for a convenient man to take her as a way out of her predicament, but she now recognised that perhaps Murray’s feelings went beyond that, and maybe hers too. He could be her salvation and her redemption. If she made him happy, all would be well, and he deserved to be cared for after the miserable way life had treated him.
‘Will you have me?’ he demanded.
Ilene was resolute at that moment. She would keep those dear to her safe along with her unborn child, and she would marry him no matter what.
‘Yes Murray, yes I will.’
Murray let out a sigh of relief and beamed at her. It was that rare smile again, for her and her alone, and despite the jagged, raw scar and the mist darkening his hair from bronze to brown, despite his blunt words and his tone of command in asking for her hand, it made him seem vulnerable. She felt so much guilt in her chest as she looked at him, and an awful stab of self-loathing at what she was doing.
Suddenly he came at her and, taking her gently by the shoulders, pushed her up against the oak. Ilene was frightened. She had pushed thoughts of anything physical between them out of her head, as she simply could not cope with thinking about it.
Murray pushed his hands slowly into her thick hair, his thumbs gently stroking her jawline and his eyes locked on hers, with a fierce hunger burning in them. Slowly and gently he brought his mouth to hers, his hard chest up against her breasts. Never having been so close to him, he felt much bigger than she had imagined he would.
But his kiss was not brutal and bruising, it was tender and slow. His mouth melted against hers, and she found herself responding hesitantly, as his kiss aroused her. The bitterness she was feeling at Aidan’s betrayal sparked an insane desire to get back at him, through this man who wanted her. As Murray’s hands moved down her back to her waist, she reached her hands up and across his wide hard shoulders, around his neck where his hair touched his collar, and a soft moan escaped her lips. He groaned and pressed her against the oak as his tongue flicked gently into her mouth. She was trembling with nervousness, but his mouth on hers felt wonderful as his kiss deepened.
He pulled back and stared at her as if to reassure himself that she wanted his attentions. A sudden tenderness for him made her reach out and trace her fingers down the scar, for she had often been curious about it, but he quickly took her hand away and resumed kissing her, burying his face in her neck with a growl, as he became more ardent.
Lust surged through Ilene as she was swept up in his touch as much as he was in hers. Strangely, his strong grip on her felt like safety and so she clung to him and kissed him greedily. His arm tightened around her waist, pulling her against him, as his other hand lifted her skirt. Hot and rough, his hand moved upwards over her stockings to her bare thigh and Ilene felt a strange rush of desire for him.
‘I should stop this,’ he gasped.
‘I don’t want you to stop’ she breathed, against his mouth and she found she didn’t. Perhaps part of her just didn’t care anymore, because she felt desirable, and it was wonderful to feel that way after having been cast aside so wretchedly. So she didn’t notice the sound of the rain getting heavier or the wind picking up around them. Instead, a storm of emotions tore through her, lust, guilt and…pleasure? This was unexpected, this passion in him and what it unleashed in her. Maybe she was a whore, after all, to be revelling in the power she had over him. It was a sobering thought and, the remembered shame of what she had done with Aidan pulled her back from the brink of giving herself to him, as she needed to.
‘Murray no…stop, I’m sorry,’ she pleaded.
He froze and then slowly lifted his head as if trying to control something elemental.
‘No, it is I who should beg forgiveness. I am wrong to have treated you so. I have such a hunger for you that I forgot myself. He pressed a curt kiss to her lips and pushed himself off of her, tugging her skirts down. ‘I swear I’ll not touch you again until we are properly wed. I would not dishonour you in this way, Ilene.’
Ilene could only look down at the ground, shamed by his words. He was too late, Aidan had already taken that which should be his.
Murray took her turning away at distress. ‘Don’t fear me, Ilene. I will be patient when we are abed. I will only ever treat you with kindness and when we are wed, before a priest, with all proper words said, then I will show you how to please me, and I, in turn, will please you, more than you can imagine. It will be wonderful between us, I promise.’
He seemed so happy she could not help feel borne along with it. ‘I know you will. I trust you, Murray.’
He smiled down into her eyes. Ilene was struck by how blue they were and by the joy in them. Having never thought of his as a prospective suitor, and blinded by her misguided love for Aidan, she had never acknowledged how attractive he was. Now, as he smiled at her possessively she was thankful for how he made her feel. She would be able to lie with this man without having to pretend to want him in her bed and she so wanted him to kiss her again. Perhaps she could be happy with Murray, perhaps Morag was right to make her do this. A tiny shoot of hope pushed through the pain and guilt of the last few weeks.
