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‘What was it?’ Her face was twisting with grief.
‘It was very early on Ilene and hard to tell and it won’t ease your suffering if ….’
‘I want to know.’
‘You had a son. We…had a son.’
She gasped and turned her face from him. ‘Don’t pretend you ever wanted it.’
Murray could no longer control his emotions. ‘I took care of him,’ he said, struggling to contain the sob which rose in this throat. ‘I buried him carefully on the hill, behind the house, amongst the wildflowers, and I placed a cross, looking out to sea.’
‘You should not have marked the grave.’
‘Why not?’
‘He should never have been, he was never meant to exist, he was a sin and God punished me for it by taking him away.’
‘Ilene, please.’
‘I don’t want to see his grave up there or remember him or think what he might have been, what he might have looked like. I cannot bear to think of it. I cannot bear it Murray.’
She cried then, great tearing sobs which shook her body and Murray could only hold her tightly. He did not have the words to comfort her so he held her and stroked her hair until she quietened in his arms and exhaustion claimed her and she fell asleep. He stared down at her for some time, feeling bleak to his soul, and eventually, unable to bear it any longer, he went outside to feed the animals.
But Ilene did not rest for long for when he returned, she was gone. He found her some way down the beach and sat down next to her on the damp sand as the wind scoured his face. She was deathly pale, lips blue with cold, but she seemed oblivious to it. Murray unwound his plaid, laying it over her hunched shoulders. The light had gone out of Ilene’s eyes, she looked frozen, like a statue, cold and devoid of all emotion. He started to fear for the soundness of her mind.
‘You must be relieved that my child is gone,’ she said. Her bitterness was awful, cutting him.
‘Ilene, you must come inside. Go back to bed and take some rest.’
‘It was a boy Murray, a son, and every time you would have looked at him you would have seen Aidan. That would have been awful for you.’
‘Don’t talk like this Ilene. It’s true that, at first, I didn’t want another man’s child, but I would never have been cruel to your son.’
‘As you are cruel to me?’
Murray saw the truth in her words and was ashamed of it. ‘Aye, I don’t dispute I have been cruel to you, wanting to punish you. But I would not do so now and I would have you well again.’
‘I should never have deceived you into marrying me, Murray.’
‘Aye, well it is done now, and I will stand by you, Ilene, whatever happens. We will make the best of things. Many people have to stay in a marriage that is not of their choosing.’
‘Did you ever love me, Murray?
Her question came out of nowhere and it took him off guard. What on earth was he to say to that? Yes, of course I loved you, passionately, fiercely, but I loved a stranger!
‘I think you might have supposed yourself to be in love,’ she continued, with a sob in her voice, ‘that is why you’ve been so angry about what I did. If you were not in love, then my betrayal may have hurt your honour, but not your feelings.’
‘Please, Ilene, don’t speak of us like this.’
‘I think you were really in love with an idea of me. I could never live up to it and be the person you supposed me to be. You should have chosen more wisely, a woman who would not have shamed you.’
‘I’ve never wanted another.’
‘And now what do you want? What are we to do? The reason for our marriage is gone, there is no need to protect me from it any more. You may go and live your life freely and I will go back to my father’s house. We need never see each other again.’
‘You’ll go nowhere Ilene.’
‘Oh Murray, I could have endured a loveless marriage for the sake of my child. I could have endured your resentment, but now I cannot.’ Her voice was ice, all warmth and tenderness ripped out of it, like the child from her womb.
