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She could only turn away, sobbing, for she had no idea what to do now, what to say to him. The pain of caring for Murray rushed back into her heart, and with it, confusion, and fear, of hurting him again, as she had hurt Raghnall.
‘So,’ he continued, ignoring her tears, ‘was it true what you said, that you don’t love him?’
‘Yes, I grew fond of him and have much to thank him for. He could have made me happy, in a way, but it was never love between us, not for me anyway.’
‘By the look on his face when we took our leave of that place, it was for him.’
She rounded on him. ‘Must you be cruel, even now, Murray? Is that all you have in your heart?’
He was wise enough to walk away, back down the boat, in the face of her anger.
Why must his dark heart call to hers? She felt bound to Murray by some unbreakable chain so that no matter what he said or did, she could not refuse his call, even though it meant hurting a man who had been good to her. But Raghnall would never have really known her, not in the way Murray knew her, with all her faults, all her secrets.
Ilene understood the truth of her feelings now. Her heart had leapt at the sight of Murray rushing into the hall at Haggbowe because she realised that, after months in that bleak castle, her misery had not been for her lost child alone, or for her weakness and injury, or because of her loneliness and fear at being at the mercy of strangers. It was because she had missed Murray’s snarling strength, his hard beauty, and the way that, sometimes, when he looked at her, admiration warmed his gaze, for just an instant, when he let down his guard and forgot to be angry with her.
Any tiny scrap of his approval had come to mean the world to her. Before they had been lost to each other, she had begun to live for those moments and, back at Haggbowe, faced with the thought of him dying, she would have done absolutely anything to save him, no matter what the cost.
***
Once on dry land, Murray wasted no time in securing horses, and they rode for many miles in silence. As the countryside became more familiar, over the course of a long day’s ride, and as they approached Shillinglaw, Ilene felt dread grow in her stomach. Could she go back there, to that cottage, where all her pain and desolation dwelt, where her child’s grave looked out to sea?
Suddenly, Murray stopped on the rough road and faced her.
‘Which way Ilene, west to Shillinglaw or south to Cailleach? It is your choice.’
Hurt, like a bruise to her heart, coursed through her. She hadn’t expected this, assuming she would have to steel herself to going back to how they were before. This was much worse in a way.
‘Cailleach?’
‘Aye, I’ll get you home safe, if you so wish it, else you will stay with me. Choose now and choose wisely, for there is no going back, for either of us, to what we were before.’
‘But my family? How would we explain?’
‘I will tell them the marriage is a failure and an unhappy one, that you married impulsively and regret it. It is the truth after all. I will lay the blame for it on my shoulders. I’ll not tell them your secret, and you may go on with your life, surrounded by those who love you, for I would see you happy Ilene.’ He was looking at her intensely with a grim expression on his face.
‘Murray, please don’t make me choose.’
‘The marriage cannot be undone but perhaps, with this action, some of my cruelty can be,’ he said, with a sigh. ‘I will not force an unwilling wife into my bed. I would not have you endure my company, when you clearly cannot, when it drove you to that madness…’ His voice cut off with the emotion in it.
‘I slipped off that cliff, Murray. You may not believe me but, at first, I stood there, meaning to jump, but I don’t think I would have. I wasn’t ready to die. When I was in the water, I wanted to live so much.’
‘Am I supposed to believe that? I was cruel and life with me was unbearable.’
‘The loss of my child was unbearable.’
‘Had we not agreed that is was to beourchild?’
Ilene could hear such pain in his words. She looked from his grim face to the fork in the road. Go now and this will end. A few more days ride and then you’ll be home, safe and calm. How she wanted the comfort of them, her mother fussing over her, her father strong and capable to keep her safe, and her brothers, impish and funny, fighting over their supper. But who was there to comfort Murray? Deep within her, she knew that she could not forget him and she wanted to believe that he could not forget her. If she went home, there was every chance she would never see Murray again.
‘Do you want me to go?’
‘What I want is not the thing here. We both married for the wrong reasons Ilene, and it has caused us both terrible injury. I would have an end to that, for both our sakes, so I will not beg you to stay, it must be your decision. Choose.’
‘But Shillinglaw is my home now.’
‘In all honesty, has it ever been that? He looked down at the reins in his hand and his voice was resigned when he spoke again. ‘It was a refuge Ilene, a refuge for which you now have no need.’
Was he talking of Shillinglaw or of himself? Perhaps he wanted to be rid of her and having fulfilled his obligation to her family, having recovered her from danger, he now wished to get on with his life, without her. He was saying it was her choice but was it really his?’
