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For years, I'd thought about our past, and the time she'd told me that she loved me, the time she'd offered herself to me, and I'd always worry that if I were to get too close to her, if I were to kiss her or make love to her, those feelings would come rushing back to her and that she'd say she loved me and wanted something more than I could give. But I was starting to realize that the exact opposite was true. I wasn't getting enough from her.
I didn't really know where she stood. I didn't know if she wanted me to be more than her friend with benefits or a roommate. She couldn't even tell me how she felt when I told her I was no longer going to Brazil. I was going to lay all my cards on the table. I was going to tell her that I wanted to pursue a relationship, that I wanted to take her on real dates, that I wanted to start over, even though that wasn't really the right word. Over. We couldn't really start over if we'd never really started. And just because we'd had sex didn't mean she was interested in pursuing anything more with me.
I heard the key in the lock, and I straightened up on the couch and pretended to be looking at something on my phone. She walked into the apartment and looked around. I looked up and gazed at her beautiful face. "Hey. You're back," I said, standing up and moving toward the door.
"Yeah, I'm hungry." She smiled at me sweetly and sniffed. "I don't smell anything cooking in the kitchen."
"I thought I could take you out to dinner," I said. "I know I may have inferred that I was going to cook for you, but I'm not the best cook, and well, I figured you deserved a really good meal."
"Hey, I'm not going to argue with that," she said. "You didn't have to take me to dinner, though. I..."
"I wanted to." I nodded. "I feel like we should talk."
"Oh," she said, staring at me with a blank expression on her face. I wish she didn't try to hide her feelings so much. It was so hard to tell what she wanted when she had that blank expression. "What did you want to talk about?" She put her handbag on the table and started playing with her hair.
"I just thought that now that I will be staying in the country and we're living together and we'll soon be working together, we should establish, you know." I let my words hang in the air as I stared at her.
She shook her head slowly. "I think you're going to have to give me a bit more than that, Foster. I'm not really sure what you're saying."
"Well, we slept together, and I don't know if you want to continue sleeping together or if you want to sleep with someone else or if you want to date someone else or you know…" I shrugged, feeling the most inarticulate I had in a long time.
"What do you want?" she said, biting on her lower lip. I wanted to pull her into my arms and kiss her, but I didn't want this moment to be marred by physical intimacy. I wanted this to just be a intellectual conversation. I wanted whatever decisions we came to, to be about what we wanted and not about our sexual chemistry.
"Well, I'd like to take you on a date," I said. Her eyes widened. "I mean, if you want to. Of course, if you don't want to..."
"No," she said, smiling. "I'd love to go on a date with you. It would be our official first date, I guess."
"Maybe that could be tonight?" I asked her, grinning.
"Sure, but I don't put out on the first date," she said, winking at me.
"Huh," I said, pouting. "Well then maybe tonight can just be for fun, and we'll have our official first date later?"
"No." She shook her head. "I want our official first date to be tonight." She grinned at me. "So what does this mean?"
"I don't know," I said. "I think it means that I like you, and I'm hoping you like me. And obviously, I love having sex with you. You're gorgeous, you're funny, you're amazing in bed, and I feel like I did this the wrong way around."
"What do you mean?" she said, frowning.
"I mean, I should have taken you on a date and wooed you before I slept with you."
"Oh. Why do you say that?"
"Because a long time ago, that's what I told myself would happen before I ever slept with you."
"Oh," she said softly. "You mean back when I..." She wrinkled her nose, and I nodded.
"Yeah. I had really been enticed by you. I really thought you were beautiful and vulnerable and just wonderful, and I didn't want to dirty our first sexual experience by being something that happened after what I can only imagine was a traumatic experience at the party. I told myself that if anything were to ever happen between us, I would do it the right way." I sighed. "And I guess I let myself down. I thought with my dick again."
"Well, you are a man." She grinned.
"I know, but I like to think I'm a more evolved man."
"Are any men really more evolved?" She laughed and then reached out and touched my hand. "For what it's worth, Foster, I'm not upset that we didn't go on a date first or get into a relationship or whatever before we had sex. I knew what I wanted and..." She looked away.
I grabbed her hand then and pulled her to me. "You knew what you wanted and what?" I said, staring into her eyes.
"Well, you know." She blushed slightly.
