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And I don’t really want to take Clara away from her mother. That would only traumatize my little girl. I don’t want to be that kind of father.I’m a father.The realization actually hits me for the first time. For Clara’s sake, more than anyone’s, I need to see this from every possible angle, try to accept it, and keep moving forward.
It might hurt that Anya kept this secret from me for so long, but what matters is that she told me. Anya’s trying, and I need to as well.
Pulling Silvia into a tight hug, I kiss the top of her head. “I don’t know how you got so wise, but thank you. I really needed that kick in the pants.”
“So, you’re going to make things right with Anya?” she asks hopefully.
“Yes,” I agree, rising from her bed. “If she’ll let me.”
“Good.” Silvia smiles warmly.
“Thanks, Sil. You really are the best person to talk to.”
My sister flips her dark hair with false bravado, then she lets her humor slip. “You’re my best person to talk to, too, you know,” she says.
I snort as I chuck her under the chin. “That’s just wildly unfair, then. How do I get someone who’s so good at the whole talking thing while you’re stuck with me?”
“You’re a wonderful person to talk to, Nico. Especially when you don’t let your temper get in the way. I just wish I got to see you more often.”
I pull my sister in for another hug. “I’ll come back soon. Promise.”
Then I head for the door. I can’t let this conversation wait. I need to speak with Anya now and set things right. Knowing that I want a future with her–that I plan to set aside all my anger to be with the woman I love and meet the little girl she gave me–that brings an urgency to my step.
I race across town, hoping I haven’t mucked it up so badly that Anya refuses to speak to me again.
38
ANYA
Fear grips me as I hold Clara close, terrified to let go of her for fear that she might be ripped from me at any moment. We sit in my room at our apartment as I consider what my next move will be. I took the time to fill my aunt in on the situation, pulling her aside to give her the whole story for the first time, out of Clara’s hearing range, so I wouldn’t scare my little girl. Aunt Patritsyia thinks I should take Clara and run. Maybe she’s right, but the thought of leaving my whole life behind is as terrifying as the thought of staying to face the consequences.
Clearly, I’ve destroyed any hope I had of a happy relationship with Nicolo. Withholding the fact that he has a daughter is unforgivable, and waiting so long to finally tell him has destroyed the trust we had built. I understand why he’s angry. I know I should have told him. I just couldn’t find the courage to when I feared he might respond this way. Not that I dreamed in a million years that he would threaten to take Clara from me. If anything, I had feared the opposite, that he would abandon her.
But now he wants to take my daughter from me, and I can’t let that happen. Running would mean giving up my dream of becoming a ballerina, but all I care about is my little girl. I don’t know how serious Nicolo’s threat might have been. He didn’t take Clara from me right there at the park, thank God. But I feel as though the minutes are ticking by until he comes for her.
Whatever I’m going to do, I need to do it fast. Urgency drives me to set Clara down on the bed as I stoop to pull my suitcase out from beneath it.
“What’s going on, Mama?” Clara asks, twirling her hair nervously around her fingers as she watches me.
“We’re going to go on a little trip,” I say, working to keep the fear out of my voice as I pull open my drawers and extract only the essentials.
I toss items carelessly into the suitcase, not bothering to be neat about my packing, as I prioritize speed over organization. Once I’ve packed enough clothes to get me by, I close the suitcase lid and snap it shut to carry it to Clara’s room.
“Come on, baby. Time to get your things.” I hold my hand out to Clara, and she slides off the bed to take my hand obediently.
Entering the common living space, I meet my aunt’s gaze, and her lips turn down in resignation as she spots the suitcase. She gives a nod of encouragement, and I stride quickly across the room toward Clara’s bedroom.
Pounding on the door to our apartment makes me yelp, and I almost jump out of my skin as I turn toward the sound, my eyes growing round with fear. I’m too late. I thought I might have a bit more time, but I should have fled while I had the chance. Now, the only way I’m going to keep my daughter is with a very convincing argument.
Silence falls, and I turn to meet my aunt’s gaze. She shakes her head. She doesn’t have a solution for me either.
“Take Clara into her room for me?” I plead.
Aunt Patritsiya nods, holding her hand out for Clara to take. Her other hand reaches down to lift the suitcase from my grasp. Another round of sharp pounding rattles the door, and I wait until my little girl is safely in her room with the door closed before I go to answer it.
Heart leaping into my throat until I can barely breathe, I draw upon all the reserves of strength I can find. I force air into my lungs and slowly let it out, then I unbolt the door and open it. A stab of loss lances through me as I look up at Nicolo. Not twenty-four hours ago, he kissed me right here in front of this door and left me feeling like I meant the world to him. And now, that’s gone, my hopes of something real between us obliterated by my dishonesty.
His face is inscrutable, with too many emotions shifting and morphing across it for me to know what he might be thinking. But I know it can’t be good.
