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Why would he tell her that she had killed her son?
The tears came in a flood.
She dropped back into her chair and buried her face in herhands, sobbing hysterically for the second time tonight.
An arm wrapped around her shoulders, and although it was the doctor who had just accused her of causing her own child’s death, she turned into him and wept into his chest.
Charlie said nothing, just held her and let her cry.
Eventually, her tears dried up, and she released her death grip on his shirt and straightened in her chair. “Sorry,” she apologized, sniffling, embarrassed that she had just cried all over a stranger.
Charlie, on the other hand, looked completely unfazed, like people cried all over him every day. Perhaps they did. “I didn't say you were responsible for your baby’s death,” he said quietly. “I said it’s whatyouthink.”
Guilt.
He was right.
She hadn’t wanted to admit it, but he was right.
She blamed herself.
It was her fault.
She’d been driving, she’d lost control of the car, and as a result, her baby had died.
“I didn’t know if I wanted him at first,” she said quietly, fixing her gaze on her hands, ashamed to be admitting this out loud. “I even thought about ending my pregnancy. I’d just started at the FBI, and I didn't want to take time off or be relegated to a desk. I was being selfish. I even put him in danger because I didn't want him messing with the job I had dreamed about since I was ten. I let myself play bait knowing I was risking not just myself but my baby as well, and I ended up with a gun at my head. I didn't deserve him. And that’s why I lost him.”
Chloe expected Charlie to offer a string of platitudes, for him to tell her she was being silly, that of course, her son’s death wasn't punishment for her selfish and careless attitudes.
Instead, he said nothing.
She chanced a look at him. “You agree? Losing him was my punishment for not wanting him to begin with?” Fresh tears brimmed in her eyes.
“Of course not.” Charlie still crouched beside her chair. “But it doesn’t matter what I think or what I know.Youhave to know it. You have to find a way to accept that what happened to your baby was a horrible tragedy but one that you are not responsible for. You can't spend the rest of your life punishing yourself for something over which you had no control.”
Her head knew he was right, but her heart vehemently objected.
She hadn’t wanted her own baby, then things changed, and she had, but she’d lost him anyway.
And the loss wasn't just hers.
It was Fin’s, too.
She had taken his son from him, then crushed by guilt, she’d fled. Now, he hated her. She hated herself, too.
Chloe prayed Charlie could help her learn to forgive herself.
DECEMBER 21st
8:50 A.M.
“How’re you doing?” Tom asked as she set a cup of coffee down on his desk before dropping down into her chair.
Actually, all things considered, she was doing okay. Yes, things could be better. She could be looking forward to her first Christmas as a mom, and yes, she could have not made a fool out of herself with Fin yesterday, but she was feeling better after her visit with Charlie.
She liked Charlie Abbott.
A lot.
