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Addi handed me my all-access pass that apparently told everyone I was with the band. Out of nowhere, Matt, my new bodyguard, appeared along with another giant man who was here to watch Frankie.
I was usually no one. Unseen, unimportant, invisible. And I’d been pretty happy with that. But, suddenly I felt important, and more than anything, I felt seen by these women and I couldn’t deny it was a pretty powerful thing.
“Welcome to the Cosmic Gods orbit, Emmy. Beware though, now that you’re in, I don’t think we’ll ever want to let you leave.” Addison laughed as she led us all down to the waiting cars in the hidden underground garage of the hotel.
Matt held the car door open for me before sitting with me in the back seat, and I started to wonder what it would be like to live their extreme lifestyle for six months.
Tanner
Thiswasourlastgig in London, and the crowd was lifting the roof off the place. In the middle of our second encore, Mav and Frankie were rocking out while I downed a drink of water. It would usually have been vodka or whiskey, but a promise was a promise, and Lori would have killed me if I broke my word to them all. Just the thought of the disappointment I’d see on her face was probably the main reason I’d stayed sober over the last few weeks.
Although last night I nearly cracked.
The idea of talking about Mum and what she did to me with Emmy sent me spiraling. So weirdly, I swam. I mean, I worked out a lot, but swimming wasn’t something I’d done in years. When I realized I couldn’t drown in a bottle, I’d called Rylee and made her get the hotel to open the pool for me. I swam length after length. I didn’t think, didn’t worry, didn’t crave something to numb my life. I let the cold water calm me. And fuck, it worked like a charm. When I finally pulled my body from the pool, heart pumping and muscles aching, a strange sense of freedom blanketed me and helped me fall into a dreamless sleep that lasted all night.
I’d woken this morning, feeling rested and ready for tonight’s gig. I’d even spent a couple of hours with a notebook writing ideas for songs, which I’d not done for months.
And now, I stood under a solo spotlight on the stage, waiting to sing our last song before we hit the road to travel to Europe and start the next leg of the tour. I’d talked to Frankie and the twins about this change before the gig started. Something they were all shocked about. Usually, I would have just done it; fuck the consequences. But the sober me seemed to want to make better choices.
Mav began playing his acoustic guitar, sounding out the first few bars ofBlack Heart Beating, and the crowd went wild.
Next, Frankie stood from behind the drums, pulling her mic from the stand in front of her, starting to sing the first verse. Her soft, melodic voice echoed through this enormous space, silencing the crowd as she walked to where the twins were. Gray took the next verse, his voice low and deep, vibrating through the audience. The place was sold out, every seat filled, but right now it felt like you could hear a pin drop. Then I sang. This was always my favorite part, and I shuddered as I let the words wash over me. This stripped-back version reached into my cold heart, warming it.
Singing with them like this reminded me of being kids in their garage. Not a care in the world. Doing it all for the music. It was so much easier back then because there were no expectations. No one cared about the album or ticket sales. We didn’t have to do interviews or photoshoots. We made the music we loved… together. I wondered when we’d lost all that, but for one song tonight, it felt like we’d found it again. And it was something I wanted to do again and again.
The song finished, the lights went out, the crowd went wild, and then we left the stage.
Coming off stage, hands slapped my back, congratulating me on the gig. The twins and Frankie hugged me, grateful for their moment. A moment where I didn’t try to overshadow them or be the Cosmic God, rather than the Cosmic Gods we were. The longer I stayed sober, the more I realized I’d been a prize prick for such a long time. I allowed myself to sink into the arms of my brothers and sister for a moment. But my emotions were like a punch to the gut and it all got too much.
This sober shit is raw.
Fuck. I need to get out of here.
I stormed to the green room, my hands twitching to hold a drink and my body aching for something to take the edge off. I felt like I was free-falling into an abyss and with no way to rake back some control. I’d been dependent on those old ways of coping for so long that I knew it wouldn’t be as easy as it had been to lose them for good. Right now, I would sell my soul for something to sink into. A drink, the buzz of a drug, the warmth of a woman. Fuck, I’d stick my dick in a man right now, if it helped me take back control and silenced the emotional overwhelm flooding my body and mind. My heart raced, my skin burned, and my body itched for all the things it couldn’t have.
I moved to the bar automatically, desperate to ease the burn.Just one drink. One. They can’t stop me from having one. They can’t deny me that. Suddenly I remembered I’d made them remove anything tempting for moments just like this. So I couldn’t get a drink no matter how desperate I was. Gripping my hands against the cold bar to stop them from shaking, I leaned forward, taking a shallow breath because my body hurt, my emotions ripping through me like a razor.
Fuck.
“Tanner?”
A soft voice and an even softer touch on my shoulder stiffened my body. I turned and there she was. Although she didn’t look like her at all. She still had the outfit of a librarian, but her hair and makeup were perfection. A sleek, high ponytail. Soft, smoky eyes, pink, bee-stung lips, chiseled cheekbones, and her piercing blue eyes glowing brightly.
She smiled, her gaze seeking mine for answers I couldn’t find the words to give her. “You okay, Tanner? You don’t look so good. Do you want me to find Addi?”
The need to curb my cravings smashed into me again, stealing my rational thoughts and common sense. Grabbing her by the hip, I pulled her towards me. She gasped, her eyes dancing. I wondered if I should pay attention to the look she gave me, but I didn’t, because I needed this. I needed a distraction before I broke. Instead, I pressed my lips to hers, forcing my tongue into her mouth. She moaned, her body tensing before she bit down on my lip so hard that I tasted my own blood. Her hand struck my cheek, snapping my head sideways and her knee slammed painfully between my legs, knocking the sense back into me.
I staggered backward, seeing the tears in her eyes and the look of hurt and betrayal that masked her face.
“Matt,” she shouted, and he appeared only seconds later. “Get me out of here and then tell Addi I quit. Effective immediately.” She turned to me. “Stay away from me, Tanner. You animal.”
He stepped between us, shielding Emmy with his arms, leading her from the room as her loud sobs echoed in her wake.
Chapter 7
Emmy
Iscribbledanotebefore zipping up the suitcase I hadn’t even unpacked.
