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“Don’t get soft on us, man. You’ll smudge your eyeliner. Let’s take a final bow and get out of here,” Mav cried, before we turned to our Parisian crowd, our arms wrapped around each other, smiles burned into our faces, and the whole time, I couldn’t help thinking I had one person to thank for getting me on stage, sober, tonight.
We came off stage to the backslaps and handshakes of the crew, and she was there waiting. Without hesitation, she held out her hand. “Great set. You were all amazing,” she called out to Frankie and the twins before turning her attention to me. “Tell me what you need, rock star. No hiding, no holding back. I need you to trust me.”
I couldn’t help but stare at her. Not only did she look stunning, but confidence oozed from her. Confidence that wasn’t there before. Confidence that seemed to come from needing to keep me safe and sober. But I didn’t want that. I didn’t want to be her project or her lame puppy that needed saving. Unsure what to say, I pushed my hands into my pockets and followed the security team outside to the waiting cars. I didn’t say a word and kept my head down on the journey back to the hotel, feeling her eyes on me the entire way.
The elevator pinged, arriving at the penthouse suite where Addi announced we were staying the night and leaving in the morning because she didn’t want to deal with the amount of press outside. I nodded, stalking to my room and slamming the door behind me, although I knew what was coming.
Moments later, I heard it.A knock.Loud, singular, angry. “Tanner, I promised you I wouldn’t leave you. I’m not letting you shut yourself away. You have ten seconds to open up or Matt and Rob are going to kick it in and you can pay the bill for the damages.”
“I’m good, Emmy. You can leave.”
“I can what? Fuck you, Tanner. Yes, I said fuck again. I think I’ve said it more since meeting you than I’ve said in my entire life. You were fine with this earlier. What happened between you coming off stage and getting in the car? Did I say something? Do something? Come on Tan, talk to me. You don’t get to dismiss me like I’m disposable.”
I pressed my forehead against the door and took a breath, not sure how to reply.
With a sad sigh, I spoke. “I don’t want you to be my sober companion or my babysitter, Em. It’s not why you’re here.”
“It’s not why I’m doing this, Tan. I’m here because I want to be. Because I thought we were friends. I don’t want to see you struggle or leave you on your own to deal with things. That’s it. No ulterior motive. I promise. Where is all this coming from?”
I unlocked the door but didn’t open it, walking back to sit on the sofa, resting my head in my hands. Seconds later, she twisted the handle and stepped inside. Eyes wide, tendrils of hair had broken loose from her plait. She stared at me, anger dancing across her face.
“I am going to give you one chance to explain yourself, rock star, and then I am going to kick you in the balls, and you know I can. What just happened?”
“That look.”
“Look?” she replied, obviously confused.
“You’ve been a nervous wreck since you got here. And I don’t blame you. Shit, you’ve been through a lot. Some of it because you were here with us. But tonight, when I got off stage, you looked so confident. Was it because you saw me broken? Was it because you thought I needed fixing? Is that what you want? Weak men, who lean on you?”
She didn’t speak, her jaw clenched and her hands opening and closing by her sides again and again.
“You egotistical, smug son of a bitch. I stepped in when you needed me. When Addi asked me to help. I’ve never chased you or given you any sign that I need tofixyou. How dare you accuse me of that? I’m here to do a job, Tanner, and anything I’ve done outside of that job is because I genuinely want to help and make things easier for you. For all of you. How dare you think I’m chasing you as a project or a pet? If that was the case, I would have stayed at home and searched for a new place to live and looked after my actual pet.” She turned, hands on her hips, her eyes wild with anger as she pinned me in place with her glare and continued.
“I thought we had a connection. A weird connection, but a connection. You made me feel like I didn’t have to hide and try to be invisible. My confidence came from all of your friendships and support, from the new clothes, the different hair, the make-up artist who seems to have decided to transform me every night, and the bodyguard that made me feel safe for the first time since I was assaulted.Yougave me that and suddenly you accuse me of wanting it, chasing it, even craving it. Fuck you, rock star. I get you’re going through a lot, but you don’t get to take your fear and insecurity out on me. I’ve been fucked over enough, and I will not allow it to happen again. You told me to fight back, and this is me fighting back. I would have stayed with you, helped you, supported you because I thought we were friends, but you don’t get to throw that back in my face. I’ll see you in the morning on the bus. You can sod off if you think I’m moving or running away again, but if you want to swap with Frankie, then I’m sure me and the twins will be happy with your new travel arrangements.”
I tried to comprehend her words, but it was hard to hear them over the roar of the voice in my head telling me I was worthless and that no one really cared about me.
“Goodnight, Tanner. I will have Rob come sit with you, so you don’t blow your sobriety. And you might want to give Levi a call tomorrow to talk about what happened tonight. I’m sorry I couldn’t be more help. You know, as your ‘friend.’”
She stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind her, and I realized how much I’d just fucked up.
Again.
Emmy
“Emmy?Emmy?Pleasewakeup. Fuck, Em, please.” A loud hammering dragged me from my sleep. “Emmy, open the door, please.”
Fear gripped my chest as I realized who was shouting my name. “Gray? Is that you? What’s wrong?”
“Thank God you’re awake. I need you to come with me. Before he ruins everything. If Addi finds out, she’ll walk. Fuck, I don’t want him to blow his life up.”
Although my body craved more time under the sheets, I climbed out of bed and pulled on the hotel robe. “Shit. Gray. What is it? A girl needs her sleep.”
I opened the door to a red-eyed Grayson. His hair was messy, as if he’d been pulling his fingers through it for hours. Wearing only a pair of shorts and an unzipped hoodie, I got the impression he’d dressed in a hurry.
“Gray? What is it?” The panic I felt got worse as I guessed what was coming.
“Tanner. Fuck. It’s Tanner.”
