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Chapter 1
Tanner
Steppingoffthestagein theO2 Arenain London, my skin buzzed as adrenaline coursed through my veins. Addison handed me a towel before reaching around to hand towels to Frankie, Maverick, and Grayson.
“Great show, guys,” she yelled over the noise of the sold-out crowd.
“It wasn’t perfect like it should have been. Was it, Tan?” Mav spat out, glaring in my direction as he stormed past me. Grabbing a bottle of water from a bench, he opened it, drinking half of it before he spoke. “I love you, man, but you’re a prize dick. You can’t just decide to change the running order because you’re having a diva moment. We’re meant to be a group, not your fucking backing singers. I’m so sick of your shit.” He slammed the bottle back onto the counter with such force that liquid spilled from it.
“Whatever, man. Shit is getting stale. You should be thanking me. Frankie was on fire and we sounded great. So, I mixed things up. Aren’t you bored with playing the same old thing night after night?”
“We’re on a 150-date world tour, Tanner. It was always going to get repetitive, but the fans deserve our best and that was fucking embarrassing. Maybe if you weren’t half-cut all the time, you’d be able to remember the set order and how to play your guitar. If you’re like this after thirty-four dates, what are you going to be like by the end of the tour? We won’t have a band or any fans left, you fucking asshole.”
“Fuck you, Mav. You have no idea how hard it is for me. I have to create the songs… write the words, think up the melodies, and make them hits, so we can even go on tour. Plus, I have to be the face of the band. It’s exhausting,” I fired back, my hands curling into fists as I glared at them all.
“Because you won’t let any of us help,” he yelled, shoving his fists into my chest, sending me reeling backward, my feet stumbling to keep me upright. “Gray and I have books full of song ideas that you won’t even look at because apparently, you think you’re the only person who matters in this band.”
“He’s right, Tan. You think you’re the God and we’re just mere mortals, only here to help you stand in the spotlight,” Grayson joined in. Usually the quiet one of the twins, I knew he must be really pissed if he was getting involved.
Fuck this, I need a drink.
“Rylee?” I screamed for my assistant, who scurried out of the shadows, looking nervous. “I need a drink. A large one. In fact, fuck it, just bring me the bottle. There are also a couple of girls I pointed out to security. They should be somewhere backstage, waiting for me. Find them and bring them to my suite. Make sure they have signed an NDA and you see some ID. I don’t want to deal with any underage crap.” She nodded, heading to the bar to get my drink. “Addison. Lovely to see you doing your job and managing this band. Did you want something, or are you just standing there watching this shit sideshow?”
She glared at me. “Fucking lovely mood again, I see, Tanner. Maybe this will cheer you up. The reviews are in for the album.”
“And?” Frankie asked, her innocent eyes wide. It didn’t matter how long we did this or how jaded me and the twins seemed to get, she always looked like the sweet thirteen-year-old who begged us to let her join our rehearsals. It was her innocence that got her into trouble. Trouble that I was left to fix—not that I’d ever tell her that.
“Well, it’s gone in at number one and the reviews are 5 stars across the board. Let’s see, some of the headlines includedHaunting album breathes life back into rock music, Cosmic Gods are the Gods of melody, andTanner Hastings has created musical magicis a particular favorite of mine. Well done, guys. The few tickets we had left for the shows have now sold out across the world and it looks likeBlack Heart Beatingwill be number one in eleven countries this week and sales for your other singles are going through the roof. It’s been a bumpy few months, but it looks like Cosmic Gods are going stratospheric. Are you all ready for the crazy this will bring to your lives? Tanner, I mean you. I need you on your A-game. You’re walking a fine line with the media and one more wrong move and you could ruin it for us all.”
“Fuck off, Addison. If it wasn’t for me, this band wouldn’t be on anyone’s radar. I keep us in the press, which brings in those album sales, and remember, those reviews are about my songs.”
Frankie’s glaring eyes cut through me like ice. “Jesus, Tanner, you’re such a dick. What the hell happened to you? I know you had it tough, but you always had such a huge heart. Now it’s like you’re a soulless monster. None of us wants to be around you while you self-destruct. However important you think you are, you can’t do this without us. Without us, you’re just a drunk, stumbling about on stage, not being able to play or remember his words. This band is called the Cosmic Gods and not Cosmic Tanner. We’re all sick of your attitude and the shit show you drag our names into every time you choose to fuck up. Thanks for letting us know about the reviews, Addi. It’s great news. I’m off to bed as I’ve got an early hot yoga class in the morning. I’ll see you all in the afternoon for soundcheck.”
She hugged the twins and Addi, before loudly tutting at me as if I cared about her insults and coldness. I had other people waiting to warm me up and give me all the affection I craved. Groupies who would be grateful to be near me, plus a bottle of Jack to help smooth out the edges and silence the voice that lived in my head.
I watched Gray and Mav leave without a word or a second glance in my direction. Once upon a time, we were best friends, brothers even, but now they hated me. What they didn’t know was that I hated myself way more.
Suddenly, alone with only Addi, I couldn’t hide from the anger that radiated from her. “Tanner, you know I’m not one to lecture. You want to live the rock and roll life and I will make sure it happens, but the band has so many cracks in it, I don’t know how to paper over them anymore. They won’t put up with your shit much longer. They’re right, you need them. They help make you the frontman you are. I don’t think you’d be half the superstar you are without them around you. Don’t blow this. You’ll regret it. Ease up on the party lifestyle, ease up on the women, let them write with you… see what you can create together.”
I held up my hand to get her to stop talking, growing bored with hearing yet another speech about what a terrible person I was. “Addison, I appreciate the telling off, but you’re here to manage the band, not my life. I will live it however I see fit, and none of you can do anything about it. Now, I’m off to my room to have some rock star fun. Make sure no one, and I mean,no one, fucks that up for me tonight. Do you hear me?”
She nodded, before signaling to Rylee who appeared with a bottle of whiskey, and the two girls I was taking back to my hotel suite.
Fuck all of them.
Pinning her legs to the bed, I thrust into her, feeling her back arch, screaming my name as her friend leaned in to kiss me sloppily while she squeezed my balls. We’d been in my suite for hours and I was well into my second bottle of whiskey. I was shocked to feel my body tighten as an orgasm ripped through me. I was so drunk and high, I couldn’t believe anything worked properly anymore. Thrusting into her a few more times, I spilled every drop, my head spinning with how fucked I was. I pulled out of her and shucked off the condom, throwing it to the floor for someone else to clean up in the morning.
As I collapsed onto the bed, the two nameless groupies cuddled into me, wrapping their naked sweaty bodies around me, peppering kisses over my neck and chest.
My heart rate slowed, the post-sex high ending abruptly, causing the walls to close in on me. Dragging myself up, I climbed over the dark-haired girl next to me, needing space as much as I needed oxygen. Pacing the length of the room, hearing a voice, manically rambling incoherent sentences, I wondered briefly if that voice was mine.
Grabbing the bottle of Jack from the side, I downed long, deep mouthfuls, forcing it down until it spilled from my lips, running down my chin, splashing onto my tattoo-covered chest. Catching sight of myself in the mirror, I reeled at my reflection. Eyes glazed, lipstick from the two girls decorated my face, my toned body looking distorted. I pulled my eyes away, unable to look at myself any longer. Right now, I looked as disgusting on the outside as I felt on the inside and there was only one thing that could shift my self-hatred.
Moving unsteadily to the bed, I tore the bag of white powder from the end table, tipping it onto the redhead's stomach. It wasn’t the neat, tidy lines I usually liked, but I didn’t care. Lifting the rolled-up note from the table, I snorted it from her toned abs, watching it vanish, not really thinking that all that white powder was disappearing into my body… or at least, not caring enough to stop.
The rush was so extreme that my cock was instantly hard. My head tingled and my skin felt electrically charged. The redhead noticed my arousal, wrapping her hand around my swollen length, but I was too far gone to feel a thing. Her lips moved as she gestured toward her friend, but none of it made any sense.
She leaned in to find my lips, but I couldn’t coordinate my movements to kiss her back. Her face crumbled with a look of confusion. Rubbing her fingers over her mouth, she let out an ear-piercing scream. And that’s when I saw the blood. Smeared across her chin and lips, I couldn’t understand where it was coming from.
