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“Then fix it. Make it better. But you need to find a way to do that yourself.”
He left and my phone beeped with a reminder that I had a session with Levi.
“I don’t want to die. I don’t want to be hungover every day. I want to release that pressure that used to live on my chest in a healthy way rather than trying to numb it. I like being sober,” I admitted.
“Well, isn’t that a turnaround? I didn’t hear you mention the band, your mum, or Emmy at all this session. This is you healing, Tanner. It’s where you’re meant to be. You’re finally doing the work,” Levi replied, with a smile.
“But I miss her.” Tears filled my eyes. I missed her so much it physically hurt, and I didn’t know how to ease my pain.
“And that’s allowed too, but your feelings for her aren’t driving you to drink or giving you a reason to stay sober. That makes me happy.”
“Thanks, Levi. For sticking with me. For not giving up on my miserable ass.” I gave him a half smile, because it was all I had to offer, but he nodded back at me, knowing how grateful I was for his help.
“It’s my job, Tanner, and I won’t lie and say it’s been easy, but I’m grateful you chose me to help you. Speak to you in a couple of days.”
I closed my laptop and flicked on the kettle, unconsciously making myself a mug of chamomile tea. “What I wouldn’t give for a foot rub about now,” I whispered with a chuckle. And then I remembered the journal. Pulling it from my bag, I grabbed a pen and started writing. It wasn’t long before the words turned into a song and the song made me smile. She’d kill me, but I didn’t care. I needed to get this on paper and hopefully into our next recording session.
A text pinged on my phone.
Addison: Band meeting. On the sofas. Ten minutes. No excuses.
I was fresh out of the shower, so I dried off quickly, hissing as the towel hit my new tattoo I had on my wrist. I didn’t have much free space left on my body, but this gap was crying out for new ink and maybe I needed a new piercing as well.
I pulled on some jeans and a t-shirt before heading out to see what Addi wanted. When I got there, Frankie and the twins were already there and Addi had a large box next to her on the sofa.
“So, the lovely Emmy sent us a present. There’s one for each of us and each one has its own note, so make sure you read them. We have a couple of days off, so I thought we could focus on these. I want your honest opinions. Leave notes, tell me the bits you love, what you hate or want to cut. I’ve not read it so I have no idea what she’s written and given how she left, I can’t imagine it’s very favorable.” I couldn’t help but notice her eyes on me as she said that. “Here.” She handed us each a thick paper manuscript.
I walked back to my suite and sank into the sofa, sighing as I opened the front page and searched for the note she’d written me. Expecting the worst, I should have known that she would do the opposite.
Tanner, I hope I did your story justice because, despite everything, it’s pretty spectacular. My wish for you is that you find a way to silence your demons and be happy. And thank you for helping me find myself and opening up the world for me. Part of me will love you forever. I’m just sorry I wasn’t enough. Emmy.
I wanted to rage and swear and threaten to drink, but I was way past all that drama. I was just sad. Sad that she felt she wasn’t enough for me when she was everything. She reached under my shell and forced my black heart to beat again. I loved her so much, but I’d broken her with my words, with my actions, and with my addiction to her. If I had any chance of winning her back, I needed to show her things had changed, but I had no idea where to start.
It was 2 am when there was a knock on my door and Frankie opened it wearingOne Directionpajamas that made her look like that teenager all over again. She didn’t say anything, she just walked to the bed, curling up next to me. Putting my arm around her, I pulled my little sister into me.
She was holding Emmy’s book in her hand, which she laid on the bed next to us.
“Is that how she sees us, Tanner? Is that what she really thought when she looked at us?” her soft voice asked as a tear rolled down her cheek, landing on my chest
“Looks like it, sis.”
“I don’t recognize myself. I don’t recognize any of us.
“I know. Me neither. It’s a lot. Let’s wait to see what Addi and the twins have to say about it. We should probably send a copy to Lori and Phil as well.” I pulled Frankie closer, glad to have someone to hang on to. The book had wrecked me, dragging out feelings I didn’t even know were lurking there.
“I think this bit broke me the most.” She turned to the first page and there was her handwritten note from Emmy.
Frankie,
Thank you so much for opening your heart to me and making me feel so welcome in the Cosmic Gods. Please don’t ever forget that you shine as brightly as your brothers and you deserve it as much as they do. Without you, they would simply spiral into a free fall.
I’m sorry for running away. I hope you understand. I will always be proud that I got to call you my friend.
Love forever,
Emmy xx
“Can I stay in here tonight, Tan? I don’t want to be on my own with all these feelings.”
