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“Because I thought you cheated on me,” I whispered, unable to look him in the eyes, because it seemed like such a lame reason now.
“But you know I didn’t, right? I didn’t drink or take drugs willingly. And the drugs they spiked me with nearly killed me.”
“I’m so sorry about that, Tanner, but that wasn’t the only reason, and you know that.”
“I do. I used you as a crutch. I’m sorry for that, angel. But you ran. You left me. You did the one thing I’d been scared of you doing.”
I gazed up at him and took a moment to take him in, feeling the weight of his words and how much I’d hurt him, too.
“I’m sorry.” My shoulders slumped as I looked at the pain etched on his face, and I imagined how he felt when I ran, abandoning him, just like his mum did. “Ididn’t think it through. I ran because I was hurt, but you’re right. I’m no better than your mum. I abandoned you without giving you a chance to explain. I thought running was justified, but I’m sorry if I brought back all those feelings from your childhood.”
“Thank you. For apologizing. Levi earned his money with that one for a while.”
He pushed his fingers through his hair, giving me a closeup view of his entire face. “God, you’re beautiful,” I whispered, unable to keep the words from falling from my lips.
He sighed.
“Sorry—sorry. I’m letting my mouth run away from me.”
“So many comebacks to that statement, angel.” His lips curled into a small smile and mischief danced in his eyes.
“I should go.”
“You should stay and let me explain some things.”
I stayed.
“Em, I loved you. I love you. I’m sorry for the way I behaved. I’m sorry for not trusting you. But most of all, I’m sorry for not fighting to bring you back to me… to us.”
“I had the best time. I really did, but I’m not meant to be a part of your life. I have a life. An apartment, a tortoise, friends, work. Living with you all let me see another side of life. One where you can close castles and live in penthouses, but that’s not me. This is me.” I pointed down at myself as if to prove a point. “No stylist, no make-up artist, no hairdresser, just me in a dress that I’ve had for years. Plain old me. You’re a rock star, Tanner. You need more.”
“Fuck, Emmy. Do you think I care about any of that? I lived in a house with no electricity, food, or warm water. I don’t care what you wear or how on point your make-up is. What I care about is you. Emmy, I love you. I want you. Always.”
“Until the urge gets too much or your post-gig arousal overwhelms you and I’m not there,” I spat out bitterly.
“That’s not true. I’m doing better. Ask Levi. Ask any of them. I’m in control. Come back to us, Emmy. None of us know how to live in a world where you’re not there.” I wanted to embrace the urge to fall into his arms and believe his words, but I couldn’t. If I went back to him and he hurt me again, that would be my fault. I couldn’t trust him not to turn on me. I couldn’t trust him not to add to the scars that littered my heart. I couldn’t trust myself not to fall for his smooth mouth that would let me believe it would be fine… until it wasn’t. No. I had to stay strong. I had to walk away. No matter how hard it was to leave him.
“It’s really good to see you again, Tanner, and I'm glad to hear you’re doing so well, but I have to go. I want you to know that I will carry the memories of that tour with me forever, but I can’t do this. It’s too much. It’s too scary. I can’t let myself get hurt again.”
“But, I love you, Emmy.”
It took every ounce of strength to stand, knowing that I would be walking away from this man, and from the band, forever. “You don’t love me, Tanner. I’m invisible. I’ve spent years hiding. I’m not the person you need. I tried to be and it hurt. I need to get back to real life.”
Rubbing his hand over his face, he sighed.
“Goodbye, Tanner. Look after yourself. Please.”
And with that, I walked away.
Chapter 35
Emmy
Iwantedtodothings differently this time; to say goodbye properly. To tell my friends how much I cared about them and how grateful I was to have met them, but I couldn’t speak because I was too busy trying to force down the tears threatening to fall. I messaged Quinn, but she didn’t reply. I guessed she was making the most of the party full of famous faces, so I made my way to the door and hailed a cab.
Once inside, I gave the driver my address and I let the silent sobs fall.
I love you too, Tanner, but it’s too hard to be a part of your life.
