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“Oh, God. It’s so good. I love French food. I could live here forever,” she sighed happily.
“I love how much you love your food.”
“If I ever order a salad, then you know I’ve been kidnapped and replaced by an alien clone.”
“Noted.”
“Not everyone has always been so excited by my healthy appetite. They used to tell me I was a pig.”
My jaw clenched. “Would this be the same dickhead that told you not to wear your pajamas?”
“Maybe,” she whispered, lowering her knife and fork.
I hated seeing the effect Jimmy’d had on her confidence. Picking up her fork, I speared a piece of steak she’d already sliced and lifted it..
Her lips parted, and I slipped the food into her mouth, her eyes never leaving mine as she chewed. Lifting the knife, I cut another slice and fed it to her again. This time, her eyes fluttered closed, and she pressed her fingers to her lips as she moaned out.
“You know you were always too good for him,” I murmured, not wanting to upset her.
She opened her eyes, her honey brown irises looking more like dark caramel. “I’m starting to realize that. I was in a bad place when I met him. I craved attention, and he gave me everything I needed. It’s no secret now, thanks to Emmy, that I’ve never felt good enough for the band and then you and I… well, I thought…”
She paused, shaking her head before she started speaking again. “That doesn’t matter now. But Jimmy appeared and said all the right things. Well, he said all the right things when other people were around, but in private, all he did was criticize me and point out all my apparent faults. What I wore to bed, what I wore in interviews, the fact I didn’t do enough interviews and photo shoots, that I was too toned and worked out too much, that I ate like a pig and was boring in bed. Now I think about it, he was awful, although I still don’t understand why Tan did what he did or why Jimmy ran.”
I stood, walking around the table we were sitting at, pulling her to stand. Tucking her hair behind her ear, I took her hands in mine. When she looked up at me, all I wanted was to fall at her feet and beg her to be with me, but I couldn’t, so I did the next best thing.
“I know this is long overdue, Rogue, but I am sorry about that night. I was a prick. I freaked out. I could have handled it so much better. I could have come after you. I could have apologized a million times over. And hearing that what I did contributed to you being with Jimmy breaks my heart, because you are worth so much more than he made you feel.”
Her eyes dropped as she stared at the floor, shaking her head.
Letting go of her hand, I placed my fingers under her jaw, lifting her face to mine. “Frankie, you are worth so much more than you give yourself credit for. If you were mine, I would spend every day worshiping you. I would do everything in my power to make you feel like the goddess you are. You shine like the sun, and we can all see it. Just because Jimmy didn’t means he was a fool.”
A single fat tear rolled down her cheek, and it broke my already mangled heart.
“But you don’t want me. If I’m that wonderful, why don’t you want me, Matt?”
For a beat, I wondered if I could tell her. Open up. Bare my soul and hope she could help me heal. But I didn’t deserve to heal. I deserved a lifetime of hurt. I’d ignored Emma’s call. I’d chosen work over them. I’d let her die. I’d let my son die. My life needed to be painful. I pushed my hand over my tattoo and took a breath.
“It’s not you. I swear. Look at you. You’re hot as hell. I can’t keep my cock from going hard when I’m around you. But it wouldn’t work. I need to keep youallsafe. I can’t do that if you and I are having a relationship. Plus, I’m like fifteen years older than you and, as you pointed out, I’m ancient. I come with so much baggage that I don’t know how to move forward, dragging it all alongside me and this isn’t baggage I can just leave behind.”
“But—”
I interrupted her, not wanting to cause her any more pain. “I promise, Rogue if I could, I would, but I can’t. I can’t give you more than friendship. I’m sorry. I want to be around you. I love spending time with you, but I don’t have anything else to give. No matter how much my body begs me to touch you, or my heart wants to call you in the middle of the night to make sure you’re safe and happy, I just can’t give you more.” Being honest and opening up to her felt like such a relief.
“Well, thank fuck you admit there’s something between us because I’ve spent the last few years thinking I’d made it all up and forced myself on you and that’s why you rejected me.” Wrapping her arms around my waist, she rested her head on my shoulder, letting out a long breath before she spoke again.
“Well, if friendship is all you can give me, then I can take that,” she said as she lifted her head to look at me. “I like being around you, Matt. You make me feel things I’ve never felt before. Protected, important, seen, relaxed, safe to be unapologetically myself and if that’s what your friendship can do for me, then that’s enough for me.”
“Friends it is then.” I pressed a kiss to her forehead, praying that I could really leave it at that. “Next film and ice cream?”
“You read my mind, but don’t try to sneak any nasty fruit into it.”
Frankie
I’dmeantwhatIsaid. If friends was all he could give me, then I’d take it. I enjoyed being around him. He made me smile, let me be myself, he was fun to be with and he didn’t put any pressure on me to befamous Frankie.Being near him was a pleasure, but I couldn’t ignore that my body ached for him.
I was now convinced he felt the same way about me. I caught him watching me when he thought I wasn’t looking. He took every opportunity to touch me; guiding me when we walked anywhere, sitting close to me when watched a film, pushing my hair away from my face when we talked. I tried not to read into it. Maybe he was just really tactile, but I didn’t think so. Matt and overly tactile didn’t seem to go together. To everyone else, he was hard faced, straight talking, and protective. To me, he was just Matt.
My Matt.
