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Chapter 20
Frankie
Thenextsixweekswere hell. Everything hurt, and I was frustrated by how little I could do. I swung from crying in pain to screaming with frustration. My family tiptoed around me, trying to make me feel better, but nothing worked. My chest hurt, my stomach felt strange, my scar burned, and my head throbbed. My speech improved, and I didn’t forget words as often, but my sleep suffered, and my appetite was non-existent. I’d lost my desire to write songs and playing the drums was impossible because it hurt too damn much to lift my arms.
Mav and Addi stayed in the penthouse with me, but everyone had lives they needed to get on with. Gray was loved up and living with Ethan and Ivy and Tanner and Emmy moved in together. Mum and dad came to visit me a lot, but the penthouse felt like a prison, despite its size.
Matt tried to stay with me, but I demanded he went back to work. He still stopped by every day, but he didn’t offer to stay the night and I missed him like a physical loss from my life.
I wanted to call him, to beg him to spend time with me, to hold me until it hurt less, but I couldn’t. It wasn’t just his wife; it was everything else. He’d see through the brave face I was putting on. He’d notice my panic attacks, which now happened a few times a day. He’d hear the nightmares that ripped me from my sleep. He’d sense my low mood, and the fact that I wasn’t eating or writing. He’d call me out on it all and make me get help, but I wasn’t sure I was ready to open up about just how bad I was feeling.
Addi snapped me from my thoughts. “Wanna come and watch a film with Mav and me? You don’t have to stay holed up in your room all day.”
“I’m good, thanks though.”
“Frankie. I’m worried about you.”
I pushed myself out of bed as if to prove to her that I was fine. My body burned, but I masked the pain from my face and walked to the kitchen to get a glass of water.
“What can I do, Frankie? Please. Anything. Dinner? I can’t remember the last time I saw you eat. Or do you want some fresh air? Mav and I want to help.”
I turned to face her, and the pity on her face sent me reeling. “I’m fucking fine, Addi. Why can’t everyone just leave me alone? I mean, I was shot. My body ripped apart. It hurts. Everything hurts. You can’t expect me to spring back into shape. I’m allowed time to heal. I just need some space.”
I stormed to the sofa, but I moved too fast, and just to remind me how broken and damaged my body was, pain tore through me. The glass slipped from my fingers and smashed on the floor, shards scattering around my feet. Staring down, looking at the broken pieces around me, I lost it. Sinking to the floor, not caring about the glass cutting into me, I screamed out in a mixture of pain and frustration, letting the tears flow. It felt like I’d crashed through a dam, allowing weeks of emotion to flood from my body.
I couldn’t breathe. The room span, bile rose in my mouth and the edges of my vision darkened. I heard voices, shouting, but I didn’t pay any attention, letting myself sink into my meltdown.
Out of nowhere, large hands landed on my hips, gently lifting me, wrapping me in safety, and dragging me back from the darkness.
“What the fuck, Rogue? What’s going on?” I stood, secure in his arms, my whole body shaking. “Hey, I’ve got you. Just breathe. Nice and slow. Just close your eyes and listen to my voice.”
He was right, just the sound of him soothed my panic attack. We stayed like that until my mind calmed and my breathing settled. I leaned into Matt’s body, terrified that he’d let me go and I’d simply fall to pieces. I felt so broken, I wasn’t sure anyone could make me whole again.
“Rogue, you’re a mess. A beautiful mess, but a fucking mess. I thought I was giving you some space to heal and instead you look worse than when you were shot. There’s nothing of you. When did you last eat?”
I shrugged.
“Rogue, focus. Now. When did you last eat?”
“I’m not hungry.”
“Well, fuck, I never thought I’d hear those words from your lips. You’ll be telling me next you’ve been eating salad. Right, first, shower, fresh pjs, food, and then we can talk. I will not let you break because of that bitch, Rylee. Do you hear me?”
I sighed. His voice kick started my heart and jolted me back from the misery I’d wallowed in these past few weeks. “Yes, sir.”
“There’s my girl,” he replied with a laugh. “Right, let me clean this glass up and I will help you in the shower because I’m not having you faint in there because you’ve not been looking after yourself.”
“Go, I’ll sort the glass,” Addi offered, and Matt didn’t hesitate in scooping me up and striding to the bathroom. Setting me down, he turned on the water before he helped me peel off my pajamas. Kicking off his trainers and joggers, he stepped into the shower, still wearing his t-shirt and boxers.
He gently peeled off my dressings, carefully checking my long wound and the places where the glass had cut me.
Cringing, I hated that he could see the ugly scar that now stretched the length of my body. A body that felt broken and no longer like the strong body I’d spent years trying to build.
“You’re healing beautifully, Rogue. At least you’ve been doing one thing Dr. Vaughan told you to do. But all that’s going to change. I’m here to make sure you’re doing as you’re told. Right, hold on to me so I know you won’t faint.” He pulled the shampoo bottle from the shelf and poured it into his hands before he began to massage it into my hair. My head fell to his chest as I relaxed for the first time in months. My hands skimmed under his t-shirt, finding the curve of his lower back, and let my fingers rub circles like he’d done with me so often, finding comfort in the feel of his body and the hypnotic motion of the movement.
“I’ve missed you, Bear.”
“I’ve missed you too, Rogue," he replied, his voice soft. "I thought I was giving you time to heal, but look at the state you’ve gotten yourself in. What am I going to do with you?”
