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She sat there, her heart thundering hard. She thought that it would break into a thousand pieces.
Shatter.
And maybe she would shatter along with it.
She knew her father had died of a heart attack, and it had nothing to do with emotions. But what if it had?
Was it his guilt? Thundering around inside of his chest? Was she going to suffer the same fate?
It certainly felt like it. At least right now. As badly as it all hurt.
Except... No. Because what he was saying didn’t make any sense. “Why bar me from saying it? I’m not asking you to say it in return. In fact, I’m asking nothing from you. All I’m asking is what you have already given. I am offering love. I love you. And I always have.”
“No,” he responded. “This is not negotiable. It is not sensible. You are acting foolish.”
“Why? Because, actually, the thing is you’ve identified the problem with my father. He didn’t love anyone but himself. He didn’t love anyone but money. So why would you reject the idea of love? Love is what prevents these things from happening.”
“No,” he said, gripping her arms. “Love creates these situations. You know I fancied myself in love with you when I was a boy. A boy of fourteen. I wanted... Everything. With you. To kiss you, to lose myself inside of you. I wanted to learn what passion was with you. I wanted to steal you from my brother. I wanted you to be mine. All mine.
“I wanted it more than anything else in the world, and I risked your reputation running around the palace with you as I did. Running around out in the desert as we did.”
“My reputation was never compromised.”
“Nearly was. Or at least, I thought so. That last night, out in the desert, when you begged me to show you... That last night I met your father there. He knew. He knew that we had been out together. He couldn’t find you and he questioned me on it.”
“I didn’t... I never knew. I had no idea that he had checked in on me...” She was confused. Because it was difficult to remember anything about that night except for being out with Cairo. Certainly not any interaction she might’ve had with her father.
“He met me outside in the dark. He made it very clear that he knew we were together. And he forced me to confess it besides. He also made it very clear that it would be bad if anyone found out. And then he asked me... He asked me to show him a way into the palace. One where he wouldn’t have to disturb the staff. I agreed.”
“Cairo...”
“That is how the invaders ended up getting into the castle. That is how my family was murdered. Your father gave them that information. It was his power. His leverage. He got it from me. Why? Because you and I were sneaking around together. Because even though we didn’t kiss, even though we didn’t make love, we might as well have. We compromised everything. I compromised everything. Because I was afraid. Afraid of getting in trouble. Afraid of losing time with you. Don’t you see? It was that weakness that got everyone killed.”
“No,” she said. “It wasn’t. It wasn’t you. It was my father. It was his willingness to manipulate a boy and his feelings. He was willing to get you to give that information knowing that it would get you killed. Knowing it would cost your entire family their lives. Believe me, he did not care about the consequences. And he likely thought that you would be dead as well and there would be no regret for you because you would be in the ground. It is by luck and good fortune that you escaped. But you didn’t cause it. He did. He betrayed you.”
“No,” he said. “He did not. I betrayed us all.”
“That is ridiculous.”
“It is a heaviness that I have lived with all these years. And I... I will never love you. I will never love anything. Because it could cost the safety of this nation. Already I allowed my desire for you to cloud my judgment. That is how we arrived here. You were meant for Riyaz.”
“No,” she said. “I was never for Riyaz.” She shook her head again. “It was you. Only you. Always you. Do you not know?” She stepped forward and touched his face, his beautiful face. “Do you not know?”
He closed his eyes. “Riyaz was in captivity all this time...”
“You have been in captivity. You’re enslaved to this. To this guilt that you feel, but you didn’t do this.”
He wrapped his hands around her wrists and pulled her hands away from his face. And then he stepped away from her. “You pity the wrong person.”
And then he walked out of the room and left her alone there.
Left her alone with her heartbreak.
And she knew that it was up to her. Whether she would allow it to destroy her, or whether she would find a way to be strong.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
HERODEOUTin the darkness, his horse’s hooves kicking up sand, the echo of the hoofbeats sounding in his soul.
