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And all is good in the world.
ChapterNineteen
MIA
Things are shifting out of my reach, way out of my comfort zone.
I want to say he violated me physically, and mentally last night, but he didn’t. Christian gave me an out. An easy one. But to say it would have meant . . .
I don’t know what it would have meant except I wouldn’t have had such pleasure.
But I’m pinned in and fear licks at me. Fear I’ll lose myself. Fear he’ll see the scarred, used woman who isn’t worth it.
Christ, I let him fuck me every single way he could think off. Every single hole I have.
And every second of it was a pleasure unlike any other.
After anal sex, he held me, kissed me, made me melt, and stirred, and stoked the embers inside into a small fire for him.
Christian knows what to do. He held me like I was some prize and the world knows I’m anything but.
Hell, I’ve slipped down to the bottom again. I’m questioning and self-blaming like I did when all that bad shit happened to me. And now I sound like I’m my own therapist.
I sit in the living room, the one that’s tucked away in the back with the big bay windows, and watch the dogs jump and play on the grass in the early morning sun. Christian was sleeping when I snuck out and to my room to shower and throw on a dress from the clothes I keep here.
If my closet held an old-fashioned suit of armor, I’d be wearing it.
Not that it would stop Christian.
He made me say I’m his.
I close my eyes and pull my knees up and drop my head against them.
After that intimate sex, he took me into the shower and washed me, and then we kissed and he had me again against the shower wall, my legs wrapped high around his narrow hips, my fingers buried in his wet hair, pulling as he pushed me over the edge again.
And made me say I’m his.
Again.
Then, later, he told me to get down on my knees and blow him.
I did it because I wanted to taste him with a desperation I’ve never felt before. My safe word never came out. I didn’t want it to. I said no. I said stop. I fought him. I pleaded. I begged him to take me. I devoured his cock as best I could because the man is big, thick, and the control I had when I was on my knees made my entire body sing.
I was electric.
I can still feel little shimmers of it now.
When he was in my mouth, my throat, I controlled that tiny piece of his fate. Whether he came or not right then was my power. How he came, when he came, that was mine too.
And in that moment, I was his. He was mine. I could pretend the world was a different place.
He came in my mouth with such a helpless, violent unleashing that it rocked me to my foundations.
I did that.
To Christian Bandoni.
He wanted me so much he let me do what I wanted to him.
