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I’m reeling.
She used the word on me. The only thing that could send me from her.
My chest is tight, painful and I want to crush skulls, kill. But there’s no one for me to kill. No one, nothing and her torment rips into me.
“Christian?”
“If you don’t want me to kill you, Leo, I suggest you get away from me.”
Leo sighs and ignores my threat as I stalk away from him.
From him, my study, Mia.
If I stay where I am, I’m going back in there and I’m going to violate my word. Violate the pact between us and touch her.
Fuck.
What they did to her, that burden she’s carrying, I have this horrible feeling she hasn’t told anyone all of that. Maybe her therapist, but I can’t exactly ask her to explain to me, to tell me that.
She spoke like she really thinks she’s dirty and worse than those guys. She isn’t. Mia glows. My sweetness took something that no man I know could deal with and turned it and used it to survive. They tried to take her will and she stole it back, even drugged, even when they forced her to come.
That hurts. Like someone’s gutting me like a fucking fish.
Not the idea of pleasure. If I thought she got actual pleasure from it that she could hold on to and ease her own pain, there’d be a small part of me that’s glad. I don’t think true pleasure was part of it.
But the drugs may have made her float—yeah, I know what they gave her, all the happy time drugs, all the date rape drugs. The drugs may have freed paths in her body. But not in her brain, not deep down.
She would have been out of her mind but knowing she didn’t want what they did. The forced orgasm would have been small, and something she resented. And they did that to fuck her over. But Mia? She turned it as best she could to take control of what happened and how.
And I’m in fucking awe of her.
Mia is not a woman to be used. She’s not a woman who begs easily and I know I’m all kinds of bastard for not feeling guilty in breaking her down and marking her as mine. But me doing that came from a place of love, of respect, of need and shared want. Of showing her what she’s worth. I wanted to tear down the pain and lies she makes herself believe. I wanted her to trust me to care for her. Protect her.
I gave her an out, her own version of hardcore, no questions asked full stop. The no and the stop and the pull of the brakes that belonged to her in one word she would need to deliberately say. I wanted her to push her own limits, to fight herself, to indulge in no while she wanted more. I wanted her to have all the control in giving over to me.
I never thought she’d use it. Not after . . . not after that night together.
But she used it over an attempted kiss. So, I walked away.
Everything has tumbled down and tangled around me. She heard things she shouldn’t have.
Heard things that came too fast on the heels of all the exposed pieces of her I dug free.
And now?
I should let her go.
She might not ever let me touch her again.
I didn’t know what they’d done, not all of that.
But then again, would it have mattered?
Fuck, I don’t know.
I take a breath, aware Leo is there, near me. But I don’t have time for him. I need to work this out. Yeah, I think. It would have mattered in the way of how I went about it. But I know, deep inside it ultimately wouldn’t have. Not at the bare bone truth of it all.
“Christian?”
