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This will be the first Christmas in a while that my mom has been sober enough to actually register that it’s Christmas. She probably doesn't even remember one since Iris's death where I haven’t left my bedroom the entire day and not done anything.
We finally make our escape from the dining room and I make my way straight down to the car. I don't care if I haven’t said goodbye to anybody. I've had to sit and hold my tongue all night and play nice.
I am done.
I am mentally and physically exhausted. My peopling battery is officially depleted, and I just can't anymore. All it's going to take is one snide comment with my battery being this low and I'm going to absolutely flip my shit.
I’ve almost made it to the car when I hear my mom calling my name behind me. I let out a deep breath and lean against the car, waiting for her to reach me.
"Briar, I know that a lot has gone on tonight but you have to believe me when I tell you that marrying the Beckett boy is the best thing for you. It's the best thing for us both…" She pauses, as if waiting for me to respond, but I stay cold and quiet, waiting for her to finish whatever this is. "I know that Travis’s grandfather said that arranged marriages were not to be allowed and that Chase agreed, but I already know what his plans are. He won't want to go against his father, but that doesn't mean that all of his hard work should go to waste. I need you to do this for me. For us."
I laugh in her face, because the audacity of her is out of this world. If she was a guy, I'd say she had balls of freaking steel. "Mom, do you have any idea what you're even asking of me? How much I've already sacrificed in the name of you and us and everything? Why? Why would I give you this? When all you've ever done is take from me. You don't deserve my help anymore. All I ever did was try to do everything I could to keep us afloat. And then you dragged me here to this fucked-up situation and you don't care what they want to do to me so long as it keeps you sitting pretty."
Her eyes go wide as my heart pounds in my chest, anger flooding through me.
"Briar, I know—"
"Mom," I say, cutting her off. "I am so done with your bullshit. I'm finally in a place where I don't have to look after you. And I've never been more grateful to anybody for that. But even me being grateful isn't enough for me to marry somebody that I don't want to. Marriage is forever. And it's not something I ever saw for myself. So no, I will not play your games, no matter what you ask of me. Because I've given enough. I deserve to be selfish now, and this is going to be my time. You don't get to ask this of me. Not ever again."
She opens her mouth to respond when footsteps echo through the parking garage. I look over her shoulder and see the four guys walking toward me. She purses her lips before pressing them together, nodding once before turning on her heel and walking away from me.
I think that might be the first time I've ever stood up to my mom.
And now I think I’m going to vomit.
* * *
It is officially Christmas morning and I feel as joyful and festive as I anticipated. It is one hundred percent a ‘beneath the duvet’ kind of day.
I sigh within the fort of darkness I’ve created, foolishly hoping that the rest of my day gets to be like this.
The squishy bundle of joy curling into my side snuggles in closer, and I scratch between Shadow's ears. He might be the one thing that I have today to give me joy, because this day can go to fucking hell.
Christmas used to be Iris’s favorite, and we would do as much as I could physically manage. I would do everything within my power to make sure she had the best day that we were capable of, giving her the joy in her eyes. The thought of Santa and presents and a big meal made her light up like stars in the sky.
Especially since we barely did Thanksgiving because I couldn’t afford to make it happen twice so close together.
Since Mom was always gone, I tried to give Iris everything I could, but now she's gone and any of the light and joy that I once felt for this stupid holiday no longer exists.
Now, all this day represents to me is darkness and sadness. It's just a stark reminder of the light in my life being snuffed out because my mom is a selfish, reckless, idiotic parasite.
A creak sounds as the door to my room opens. I don't say anything because even though I know that it’s only Asher—he’s the only one who would enter my room so quietly—I'm just not ready to people today.
I already know that they're going to try and drag me out of this pit and take me to the Kensington McMansion—especially since I already fought against staying there Christmas Eve. I can't think of anything I want less than to face not only my mom, but all of the guys’ parents, grandparents, and other family while having to pretend to feel some kind of joy today.
Most days I can fake it till I make it, but today just isn't one of them.
Today, all I want is my bed and the darkness, the puppy cuddles that are pretty much the only thing keeping me breathing right now, and maybe, just maybe, some ice cream.
Because that was mine and Iris’s tradition. We’d have ice cream for breakfast every Christmas. It's the only thing I've continued to do since she was taken from me. It's the only thing that has ever drawn me out of bed on this day. And even then, I usually retreat back to my pit once I've collected the ice cream and a spoon—there's no need for bowls here, we're not fancy like that.
"Briar, are you awake?" Asher asks as the door closes softly. I hear his feet pad across the room before I feel the duvet lift, letting all of my stored up body heat out into the world. I glance up at him before focusing back on the puppy that's now moved to lie on my chest. Asher doesn't say a word, he just crawls under the duvet with me, bringing the top back down so that my fort is firmly back in place, and lies silently with me in the darkness.
This man just seems to understand everything I need and I almost hate that he can read me so well.
Asher lies with me, not asking anything of me. All he does is pull me into his side so that my head is resting on his chest and lies quietly with me. He already knows about my sister, but he doesn't know about Christmas. I'm pretty sure I hinted about my hatred of this day and he accepted that, but he's never asked any questions as to why.
I guess I kind of love that about him.
