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“Yeah.” I squeeze her thighs, and she slips off my lap to sit beside me. “Of course.”
Removing a thick throw blanket from the couch’s back, I hand it to her, and we settle on either end, our legs tangled between us beneath the blanket.
“I think the most important thing for you is I still have no concrete memories of Tara sexually abusing me.” Her wince is subtle but there on her beautiful face. “There are these holes, fragments. My therapist says I blocked it out, and to be honest, though we’ve discussed a variety of things to help me recover those memories, I’ve elected not to try. A lot of the time the methods don’t create an accurate memory anyway.”
“You don’t want to know what happened?”
“The exact nature of her abuse doesn’t matter at this point. I know what she did to her son for years. I know she was grooming us when we were barely eight years old. And I know if they hadn’t moved to Oregon, what happened to Damian could have happened to me.” I shift, exhaling. “My guilt at that relief has been an odd thing to deal with.”
Her hand settles on my shin, a steadying presence as I open up to some of my vague memories. The showers, the crawling into bed, the extra touches, the bribery.
Understanding lights her blue eyes. “You hate fast food because she bought you kids meals.” She presses a finger between her brows. “And I teased you about it at dinner that night.”
“Nov, you didn’t know. It’s fine.” I nudge her with my foot. “It took therapy for me to put two and two together. I just thought they made me sick. I didn’t realize it was because she would buy me one after picking me up from school. My brain associates the two.” Reaching for my drink, I take a moment and then continue. “Just like how my body seemed to associate intimacy as being wrong.
“I think you know by now I wasn’t a saint. I did try sleeping with girls a few times in high school and even after you. Palmer and I tried a couple times in the last several months. The last time was after VIBE. I was so pissed at myself for the effect you still had on me, that I initiated sex with her to prove I don’t know what, but I just… I couldn’t go through with it.” Another wince mars her face, and I offer a soft smile. “Sorry, I just want to be honest with you.”
“Dev, I’m not upset that you were with other women, or tried to be. I mean, I don’t want the details, but as the girl who fell for you, it’s easy to believe other women wanted you, too.” She nudges my thigh with her wool-covered toes. “I’m trying to control my emotions, but I can’t help hurting for you. I—”
Wrapping my hand around her foot, I tug her leg, sliding her lower on the couch. “Don’t pity me, Nova. I don’t want or need that from you.”
“Okay.” She wiggles forward between my legs. “Whatdoyou want from me?”
Shifting, I meet her in the middle, crawling over her body until she’s sinking beneath me into the cushions. “I want you to know that no other woman has ever affected me the way you do.” I comb my fingers through her hair. “From the moment we met, my body was at attention.”
“Why me?”
“Because you’re the one.” My hips roll, proving my point, and she curbs a grin. “I don’t have any other explanation. All I know is you’re the only one I’ve ever wanted to be with.”
“Just so you know, whenever you’re ready, I’m yours.” She kisses me, and I’m struck again with how freeing it is to be able to do this without entanglements, to know we don’t have to go our separate ways when this trip is over.
I roll to my side, sandwiched between Nova and the couch, scooping her into my arms. “She may be released soon.”
“Tara? From the mental institution?”
I nod. “They’re holding an evaluation hearing sometime soon to determine if she’s eligible for release. They’ve asked me to make a statement.”
A sharp inhale pierces the air.
“I’ve told my mom and Willa I’m fine, but honestly, the thought of her out in the world makes me sick.” With my jaw clenched, I swallow the knot in my throat. “I just… It’s almost like if she’s locked away, I can put her out of my mind, but if she’s out, knowing she’s walking free after what she did to us, I’m a victim all over again.”
“You’re a victim, but you’re also a survivor, Dev. Never forget that. You’ve worked hard to get where you are today.”
I nod, but there’s no conviction in the movement. No matter how far I’ve come, this will always be a part of me. I’ll always know what transpired and have to live with the trauma. I’ll never be fully free.
Nova yawns, covering her mouth.
“It’s been a long day.” I stroke her cheek. “How about we get some rest, and we can adventure out into Seward tomorrow?”
“Yes, please.”
Maneuvering off the couch, I hold out my hand as we climb the spiral staircase to our bedroom. The king-size bed takes up the majority of the loft, but that’s all we need. Digging out a change of clothes, I pause before yanking my shirt overhead. We’ve seen each other naked, but changing in front of each other is new territory. I have no problem with it, but I don’t want to put Nova in an awkward situation.
She makes the decision easy. “I’m just gonna…” She points her thumb downstairs where the bathroom is, carrying her pajamas and toiletry bag.
After changing into sweatpants, I make my way down the stairs and wait outside the bathroom for my turn. When she exits a few minutes later in a black and white checkered flannel set, she stalls, taking in my naked chest.
I smirk. “Sexy.”
