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I whirl around. “Is it? Is it killing me, Nova? Or is it killing you that I don’t want to talk about that monster ever again?”
Her melting blues grow wide, a flash of fear cutting me to the core.
“Baby, I know you love me. I know you weren’t trying to hurt me, but for god’s sake, when will you honor me enough to trust my word? I told you there was nothing to discuss. I told you I wasn’t hiding anything. I asked you to talk to me, to not run off to others. Is this your level of love for me?”
Rivers run down Nova’s red cheeks, her eyes puffy, but I can’t bring myself to console her.
“Is this the caveat? You will love me forever, but only if I play by your rules? Unburden myself ofeverything?” Tears itch my eyes. “You want it all? Here it is, I hate my father, Nova. Despise him. You want to know why? Because if he hadn’t left, Tara Green would never have touched me. My mother would have been there for everything. She wouldn’t have had to work. She would have protected me, maybe even Damian. But I don’t like to think about what might have been because it’s pointless, so I don’t think about him. I left him behind the same way he left me, and when he tried asking for forgiveness, it was because I’d just signed on to be a professional baseball player. His apology had pretty damn convenient timing, so I told him I’d ruin him if he ever called me again. End of story.”
With her arms tight against her chest, Nova doesn’t say a word, her lips pinched.
“As for Tara, one thought comes to mind when I think of her—death.” I grip the counter, the edge digging into my palms. “Mine or hers. Since neither of those things are options I’m willing to take, I chose option number three years ago during therapy. Call it avoidance, call it denial. I don’t care, but respect my decision when I tell you I do not want to bring that woman’s name into my world. Ever.”
Nova’s hand claps over her mouth, covering a sob, but she’s nodding.
“But you just took that option away, didn’t you? There is a freaking reporter with all my dirty secrets, and he’s not going to just put that story to bed. Hell, it could leak any day and…” I slap the counter. “Dammit! How am I going to deal with this? How… I need to go.”
“Wait, what?” Nova’s fingers curl around my arm as I pass her. “No, no.”
One by one, I remove her fingers from my bicep, holding her hand. “Did you talk to Willa about us?” Her silence is her guilt, my answer. “Nova Caroline Pratt.” Pressing her fingertips to my lips, I kiss their softness. “Your fear of our future is the most misplaced in the world. Fate has shoved us toward each other since the day we met. Even before we met, if you want to go back to my sister walking into your mom’s dance academy looking for a job. There hasn’t been a time when we’re in the same room that you haven’t stolen every ounce of my attention, just like you stole my heart. But you still have doubts?”
“No.” Her whisper is breathless like she’s trying to convince herself more than me.
“What will it take for you to let go and love me?”
“I do love you. I love you so much.”
“Unconditionally,” I clarify, brushing her salty lips with mine. “I want to marry you, Nova. I want to spend forever with you. You need to let go of your plans and lists and believe in me. Believe in us.”
fifty-two | nova
I’ve never felt more alonein my apartment. I lived here by myself for almost half a year, but suddenly without Devin filling up the extra space, a crater expands inside me more and more with each passing minute.
He left me two days ago, spouting how he needed a few days to think. I don’t want him to think because what if thinking turns into reconsidering us? Why else would he need to be away from me if he wasn’t thinking about ending us? Because of my stupid,stupidmistake, this betrayal of his trust.
Not one single text or phone call has been answered or returned. If it weren’t for Willa, I’d be concerned. She doesn’t know where he is, but she knows he’s safe. My, how history repeats itself.
And I can’t even blame Dev. I deserve his silence. I’ll never forgive myself for allowing his private past to become a spectacle. I’ve done nothing but check every news outlet and gossip magazine I can think of throughout the last couple days, waiting for the story to break. No doubt he has Brad on it, TSG doing damage control to keep Insider Sports quiet, but they never should’ve had to do that in the first place.
Second-guessing our future is the worst lapse in judgment I’ve ever had, and now it’s costing me us.
“You stupid skank.”
I fling my arm across my face, burrowing deeper in bed. “I know.”
“All I’ve heard for months and months is your mopey ass miserable without Devin, and just when you get him, you push him away.” Mari begins mumbling in Finnish.
“I know.”
“What were you thinking?” Mili chimes in. The joy of being on speakerphone with my cousins, double the love and double the abuse when I’ve been stupid.
“I wasn’t.” Rolling to my side, I keep my phone pressed to my ear, staring at the empty pillow next to me. My heart squeezes a tear-inducing squeeze. “No, I was. I was thinking about how scared I was. You know our parents’ perfect love stories. I felt this pressure to live up to them, to not screw up this fairy tale that was handed to me.”
They’re silent for a beat before Mili says, “You realize there’s nothing perfect about our parents’ love stories, right? You know the hell they all had to go through. You don’t think any of them ever messed up?”
“I know they did, but they all still got it right. I didn’t want to get it wrong by making rash decisions.”
“I think you and Devin have gotten it wrong so many times over the years that it’s finally time to get it right, but you went and screwed it up.”
