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Again, my rations were finely calculated to be as much as I could humanly carry, but he needs to eat. I unpack Gruff’s favorite meal, a sort of meaty smelling fermented product that he insists is the most nutritious sustenance there is, and what once made me gag when I smelled it.
“Here,” I say, offering him half a pound of the stuff. “Eat this.”
He takes it from me gratefully, though he doesn’t thank me until he has wolfed almost all of it down in one fucking go. His pelt is reddish like his hair, I realize. It’s just that he's so dirty it looks brown. He needs a bath and clean clothes. He needs someone to take care of him. He needs a friend.
“Billy,” I ask while he eats. “The city, do you know where it is? Would you be able to get back there if you had to?”
He nods while chewing.
“I know what we are going to do,” I tell him. “You’re going to take me to the city.”
“I am?”
“Yes,” I tell him. “You are.”
“And what… what do I get out of it?”
“Well, for one, I won’t shoot you. And for two, I won’t let any of the other bucks get you. I have these weapons. They won’t dare touch us. And, if you want, I’ll take you with me when I leave the planet.”
“But we can only go to the female world, and I can’t go there.”
“Once we get a ship, we can go anywhere. We can do anything.”
He looks doubtful. I understand that. He’s been cast out. He’s been told he’s worthless. He’s been treated badly by everyone he’s encountered. I can relate. Strongly. I have to show him that he can trust me.
“Okay, but before we run away to the city,” I tell him, “we’re going to go back to where I was staying. I want to get you some clothes and some more food.”
This is a risk. I already feel guilty enough for leaving Gruff — though I shouldn’t. I don’t owe him anything. He saved me, yes, but I never made any pledges or promises in return. I’m fulfilling my destiny by leaving. That’s what I tell myself, over and over. I remember what the EET did to me, the betrayal I experienced and suffered. I remind myself that I have to do this alone, and that giving into the urge to submit to Gruff’s will is the same as giving into the EET. I can’t let a male, of any species, control me. I can’t let them decide my fate. I have worked too hard and desired too much to allow that.
Billy follows me all the way to the very edge of Gruff’s bridge. There he stops, as if hitting an invisible forcefield. We’re still quite some way from the actual house.
“What’s wrong?”
Billy looks at me with panicked eyes. “I can smell another buck.”
“Don’t worry. That’s Gruff. He’s cool.”
“He might accept you as a female, but no buck has ever been cool with me,” Billy says, forlorn.
“Well. Okay. Here’s what we are going to do. You’re going to hide hereabouts. I don’t think other wild bucks like to come near Gruff’s place, for the same reason you don’t want to, so you should be safe. I’ll sneak in, get you what you need, and bring it out to you.”
He looks uncertain, and frankly I’m scared he’s going to run away as soon as I turn my back on him. I guess that’s a risk I’ll have to take. If I am going to be able to trust him to lead me to the city, he has to show me some trust too.
“This will be where we meet,” I tell him. “I’m going to go in there and bring you what you need. Deal?”
“Deal,” he says, though it doesn’t really sound like one.
I go on through the woods. I do need a guide to the city. As much as I want to do this all on my own, there’s only so much I can do without any real knowledge of the planet.
* * *
“What are you doing? And where have you been?”
I sneaked back into the house without being caught, which I thought was pretty good. Unfortunately, that’s where my luck runs out. I am elbow deep in Gruff’s drawers when those questions are fired at me, both equally hard to answer.
I look over my shoulder and see that Gruff is looming over me, his nose working in what would be an adorable way if I didn’t know he was scenting…
“You come back here smelling of another buck!”
