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20 Years Old
I ignored all of Hanna's attempts to throw me a birthday party, not wanting to be in the spotlight. Truthfully, I don't want to see anyone.
After another fight with Logan, I was suspended from the team, and I honestly didn't even mean to hit him. I was going to accept his apology and turn the other cheek, but I just couldn't do it when I saw him in front of me.
Visualizing his lips kissing Hanna made me insane. Sure, I'm to blame, but he was supposed to be my best friend, not go steal my girl when I mess up.
My phone dances across the counter, a message from Hanna lighting up the screen.
Hanna- Why are you ignoring me?
Jameson- I'm not.
Hanna- Could've fooled me.
Jameson- Come over tonight.
Hanna- Why?
Jameson- Because I miss you.
Hanna- So?
Jameson- Because I love you.
Hanna- And?
Jameson- Isn't that enough?
Hanna- Even love has its limits, Jay.
Jameson- Not for me.
Hanna- Fine.
We haven't been the same. We shared that night under the stars and planes until the cops ran us off. The wildness in her eyes under the flashlight shining in her face is one I can't remove from my mind. I was mesmerized by it. Hell, I almost forgot to grab her hand and make a run for it.
Which we did.
We laughed and jumped over the fence, driving away quickly. It reminded me of Homecoming last year when she was so cute and childish, making all those ridiculous shirts with her friends. She yelled at me from the sidelines showing me the back of her shirt.
Property of Jay displayed across the back. Her grin was so wide, and the freedom in her eyes screaming "fuck you" to her mom. It was the first night we ever moved past kissing, and I told her I loved her. That night she said to me that I was the only guy she'd ever love, no matter what her mom said. She always promised that I'd be enough.
I've always kind of known I wasn't.
She's been staying with Karly and her boyfriend, Ashton. She moved her stuff out after the incident with Logan, and even though we still hang out sometimes, it's a noticeable shift from the way we were a year ago. We barely talk anymore because it's too hard to keep ending things over and over. Blakely and Judson's wedding nearly killed me, watching her be so beautiful, knowing she will never fully be mine.
I keep a comfortable distance between us on purpose because I'm afraid.
I'm afraid all I'll ever do is hold her back. I'll drag her down with my baggage and the constant weight of my past around her neck. So I keep her at an arms-length. I haven't worked up the nerve to completely let her go, but there's enough space to keep from drowning her in my problems.
She walks inside. A shift in the air when she's around always making me breathe a little easier. I want her close, just not too close.
"You are shutting me out," she pouts, brushing by me. Her body plops down onto the couch, crossing her arms dramatically.
I take a drink of water, and we eye each other for a second. She's cute when she's mad. I walk across the room, kneeling in front of her, using my index finger to tilt her chin up. Her breath hitches and my lips barely brush hers, lingering there as she speaks.
"You can't distract me with sex."
