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HANNA
The cherry wood radiates in the spring sunlight, the casket spray a delicate mixture of greenery and magnolias.
I sit in the front row, my mother's soft sobs in my left ear and Adam's in the right. I can't jerk my eyes away as I watch them fold the flag. I'm in a complete daze staring at the box containing the only man in my life that hasn't let me down in some way or another.
My rock. My dad.
The flag is placed in my mother's lap, my hand is shaken over and over. Empty condolences ringing in my ears. Sometimes I wish the etiquette for funerals was different. No one wants to hear I'm sorry for your loss over and over. At least, I know I don't. I'm sorry will never bandage up how broken I am.
Ellie is sitting in Adam's lap. She's sad, but I don't think it has really hit her yet that he's not coming back. It doesn't seem real to me yet, either.
Everyone starts to leave, the funeral director letting us know we could come back in a couple of hours if we want.
I take Ellie, passing her off to Eric so Adam can accompany mom to the car.
"You alright, babe?"
"No, Eric. I'm not alright," I snap.
He slips Ellie into her car seat, pulling me into his arms, his lips pressing into the top of my head.
After a few more hateful remarks, Eric decides to stop talking to me. Letting me wallow in my own sorrow, alone. Just how I like it.
It's what I'm used to.
We pull off the main road, the dust stirring up on the half-mile gravel drive. I look down at my phone, answering a few emails and a text from one of my students. Anything to escape this nightmare.
Probably thirty cars line the grass and parking lot around the main wine pavilion. I feel my chest tightening at the thought of having to fellowship with these people when all I really want is to be alone.
"Can you take care of Ellie for a little bit? I just… I need to take a minute."
"Sure, Karly and I will keep her entertained," He assures opening the door for Ellie.
"Thanks," I smile, feeling a little guilty for being so hateful toward him when all he has done is help.
I wait until they are out of sight and jump back into the car. I don't want to wait. I need to talk to my dad.
The cemetery was about a half-hour away. The winery is off the beaten path and isn't really close to anything, so by the time I get back there, it should be nearing sundown.
Thank God. I'm ready for this dreadful day to end.
I step out of the car. My chunky heels clicking against the pavement before dropping off into the grass, a man is standing over my dad's freshly covered grave, both hands stuffed in the pockets of his dress blues. I feel my stomach twist when he turns around, his eyes going wide.
"I… I'm sorry. I didn't think anyone would still be here."
My chest warms, making it a little easier to breathe.
"Jay, what are you doing here?"
He sighs, "I just wanted to pay my respect. I didn't want to upset you."
"Why would I be upset?"
"Well, you haven't spoken to me in two weeks, so I just didn't think that you would appreciate my presence."
"I needed some time. I'm sorry about that night. I had been drinking, and I should've never kissed you. It's confusing, and I'm sorry."
He smirks, "I hope you aren't waiting for me to say that I regret it because I don't. Is the wedding still in two weeks?"
